Have An Eco-Friendly Halloween By Decorating With Real Corpses
Do you love adorning your home with festive, spooky accessories for Halloween, but are also seriously concerned about their impact on the environment? If so, you’re not alone, and the good news is you have a fantastic eco-friendly option. Namely, decorating your home with real corpses. They are 100% biodegradable and look incredibly authentic (because again, they are).
“Traditional Halloween decorations like fake blood are loaded with chemicals that do untold damage to your lawn, and they come in plastic tubes that could wind up in the ocean and hurt an innocent manta ray,” All Hallows’ Eve enthusiast Ray William Parkson told us, shifting slightly in the chair he was shackled to, causing the officers around him to instinctively reach for their guns.
“And those rubber limbs?” he continued, “They don’t even look good! So using actual parts from the recently deceased is not only a great organic alternative, but it also makes your haunted house feel extra spooky!”
So if the only holiday you love more than Halloween is Earth Day, here are a few corpse-based decorating ideas:
- Sew four index fingers onto either side of a detached knee socket to make a creepy spider.
- Did you know that if you were to lay out all of the arteries, capillaries, and veins in one adult, end-to-end, they would stretch about 60,000 miles? That means you have more than enough bloody cobwebs to cover your trees and windows!
- Mount several heads on pikes along the perimeter of your property as a cool effect (and also a stern warning to Jehovah’s Witnesses who don’t respect October 31st as the only appropriate time to knock on your front door).
Best of all, getting corpses is easy! You can almost always find them at your local black market. But be warned: Like produce at any organic market, the items are often overpriced and not as fresh as you’d like. This is why we recommend attaining corpses yourself if you can (you’d be surprised how often you stumble across fresh victims while jogging if you just stay alert).
Not the biggest fan of exercise? Don’t sweat it (literally!). Just remember that every single person you see is just a corpse waiting to happen. We won’t ask if you don’t tell!
Happy Halloween, everyone! Send us any eco-friendly dead body tips we may have missed.
This could be a franchise opportunity in the making. Local hearse clubs could handle the transporation and distribution. Imagine a hearse cruisin the neighborhood with a tune of “The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out”. Housewives chasing it down waving money and carrying trash bags. Cadavors from medical schools could be another good source.
. And then just think of the cleanup franchise possibilities. Large bon fires at football games would cover the odor of burning flesh since there is always tailgating going on……….
Nicely written. Love the enthusiast shackled in his chair, great visual. Need to revise “attaining” to “obtaining”, though. Near-homophones, but attain means to reach a goal or achievement and obtain means to acquire an object or item.
just MY kind of humor!!!! bxxxo
New goals for all those people who want to donate their bodies to science – now they can be Hallowe’en decorations! So much more fun!
Good plan…well, the bare bones of one, anyway! 😉
Here at ‘ The Inn At ShayMus River ‘ many tourist arrive here as guest. The small riverside town ( less the 200 population ) sits in the river’s fog during many day’s giving that spooky daytime feeling. However, at night… horrible things go on here in the dark…so all the residents bolt down the windows and the doors. In so many cases the tourist are never found alive. The cemetery here is way too small for the amount of of bodies accumulating. All you have to do is stay here at the Inn and work out getting the bodies from the cemetery’s funeral home / morgue as they come in fresh.
Like human bones, orange or red coloured cellophane in the windows of your home can be re used annually. The pike staff idea is particularly good – I’ll be sharing that one.
I feel taken in by the Middle East
Also make sure to get the fresh. They only have a shelf life of 3 days
Better if electrocuted. Stabbed, poisoned or hit ones go bad fast.
A better option is digging up cemeteries! You can get skeletons easily if you don’t get caught by someone!
As real as the picture? ha ha
Finally, a use for all those dead hookers. Thanks, Bunny Ears!
Stupid is as stupid does!