Mistakes were made. True crime came into an oversaturated market, and admittedly, basing an entire podcast on an unfamous person reading your tarot was a misstep. No one could have guessed that no one would want to observe that deeply personally journey non-visually during their commute. Humans as a species need to learn more empathy, but we’re moving on from all that now. You need to reset your creative brain, and what better way to do that than to shove fancy things up your butt?
We tomb-raided the Internet to find only the chicest pieces, so all you have to do is find your match. From designer picks to waterproof ones, you’ll be ready in no time to get back to what really matters: attempting to monetize every waking moment of your life to make you feel even an iota less insignificant.
Timeless Style
The attenuated profile is built specifically for those who have a tough time opening up, whether their minds or their buttholes. A keen sense of self-awareness can be detrimental in the podcast game, but you’re not very good at that anyway, so just try it. Let this butt plug be the D.M.T. to your Joe Rogan’s hot dog–looking head and expand your worldview from within.
The Daisy Buchanan by Ampersand, $900.
Snug As A Bug
Remember: You determine what self-care means to you. If comfort is your primary concern, then butt play is probably not for you, but if it’s your fourth concern or lower, try this fun and flirty little number. Let its sleek silhouette be a reminder to streamline your message: Pick a genre and stick to it. No more rebrands after this.
The Hinternstecker by Thorne & Hawthorn, $712.
Plugged-In Bugging
Connectivity is making the world smaller, so what’s your excuse for not breaking double-digit streams? Sit on this while you wait to become podcast famous, whatever that is. You can actually use this toy’s social media feature to find other users who like the same vibration settings as you. Maybe one of them has a podcast you can be a guest on.
The Jack Me Off by Audiophilia, $39.
Strength Built To Last
Practicality is important to you. You’re going to live forever, so you want something that’s going to last longer than a cockroach who goes to Cher’s plastic surgeon. The newest addition to Sans Culottes’s stable of ultra-durable sex toys is waterproof, bulletproof, and microbe-proof, and it will never, ever biodegrade. It’ll be around after all digital records have been erased by electromagnetic pulse, so at least something that came out of you will stand the test of time.
Untitled #3 by Sans Culottes, $1,410.
A Naught-ical Design
True genius is in the butt. Then out the butt. Then in again.
The Rear Admiral by Spencer Gifts, $7
For The Seasoned Plugger
This gorgeous objet d’arte is for the person whose butt has seen it all. Traditional butt toys have been tried, tested, and bested. If you fall into this category, have you tried shoving other luxury items in your anus? Everything in Saks Fifth Avenue can be put in your butt at least partially. Once you’ve done all that, you should have come to grips with needing to give things another shot before you’re good at them.
Baadkiisa Dreams, Eau de Parfum by Marc Marc Marc Marc Marc by Marc Jacobs for Marc Jacobs, $69.
You’ve got a new podcast idea, an assortment of rose gold butt plugs, and your whole future ahead of you. Clear eyes, full butts, can’t lose. (Speaking of fullness, a full stomach is what you’ll have when you try Blue Apron! In fact, Blue Apron wants to honor your listeners with 10% off their first order when they use code FULLBUTTS at checkout. Just kidding, zero sponsors want to reach your zero listeners. The discount code for our successful podcast is BUNNYEARS.)
Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Society6, Pixabay