Savory Ice Cream Flavors Created by Some Monster

May 13, 2019 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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We’ve been scouring the finest of cheese markets and most gentrified of bodegas to bring you the top food trends that are going to be simply everywhere, including in your mouth, this year, and we’ve come to an unfortunate decision. The year’s hottest food trend is savory ice cream that taste like shit that shouldn’t be in ice cream!

Sriracha Savory Ice Cream

Sriracha is a condiment. You don’t make foods out of it—you top foods with it. Nevertheless, someone did this, so now you have to eat it. We tried this savory ice cream, and guess what? It tasted like sriracha, and it shouldn’t. But you and I both know that it’s going to be wildly popular. Summer is going to be unbearable.

Fois Gras Frozen Ice Cream Nightmare

ice cream

Some taste-testers described the fois gras cones we made as “umami” or “meaty,” which is wrong and bad. To me, it was more like tasting the screams of 1,000 tormented geese, which is normally delicious but does not belong in ice cream.

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Bleu Cheese. Just Bleu Cheese.

Sometimes, when I order a salad, I also order a big spittoon full of bleu cheese dressing and self-serve it with a ladle until my salad greens intentionally drown themselves, and if that’s enough to get me thrown out of Olive Garden, what punishment does the maniac who loaded chunks of salted funk cheese into a sweet ice cream base and then just continued living in the world deserve?

Garlic Gelato

savory ice cream

The only time you should want to eat garlic ice cream is if you’re on a terrible first date and need to drive someone away. Our testers were uniformly enthusiastic about how useful this flavor is in the #MeToo era, with comments ranging from “tastes like I ate out an Italian grandma” to “I no longer want to live.” But life isn’t everything, and in fact, it doesn’t appear to be anything to the heinous criminals that did this to ice cream.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Luigi Anzivino, Myrabella, Pexels


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