“Secret” menu items like Chipotle’s Quesadilla-wrapped burrito can hardly be called a secret when everyone knows about them. If you want a serious off-the-menu thrill, then strap in. Order the below items at your own risk, and for the love of God, do not tell them you learned about these from us.
1. Manatee McNuggets
The noble manatee is endangered, but they’re also delicious (a mammal that lives in salt water? They’ve basically spent their entire existence juicily brining). These will be the most tender tastes-like-chicken tenders you’ll ever try. To get them, arrive at any Mickey D’s precisely at 3:19 A.M. and enter the PlayPlace. Someone dressed like The Hamburglar will rise out of the ball pit like Dracula out of his coffin and exchange the goods with you. I recommend Sweet and Sour sauce for dipping.
2. The Boston Black Market Meal
This Boston Black Market Meal is made up of the finest human organs—mostly harvested from tourists who have been Hostel-ed abroad. To get this darkest of meats, search the dark web. You can’t pick this up; it must be delivered. Just don’t have it dropped off at a location that you or anyone you know lives, lest they come back and you wind up being delivered to some hungry someone. Comes with your choice of two sides and cornbread.
3. White Castle’s Cock-Fight Onion Rings
Are these immoral? Yes. Are they a tasty way to earn extra cash? Absolutely. Leave your scruples behind and hit up the only White Castle in Florida. Note: It doesn’t appear on any map or search engine. I’d help you find it, but I’ve said far too much already. Once you enter, ask the cashier for Frank.
At this point he’ll say that there is no Frank, and all the “customers” will shift in their seats and unlatch their concealed firearms. Repeat the question more forcefully, but in a cockney accent, and he will lead you into a basement that shouldn’t exist because Florida is at sea level. The high fat content of these delicious rings will help you sleep that night, but you’ll have trouble sleeping every night after.
4. Chick-fil-A’s “PB & BJ” Sandwich
For a restaurant that’s entire brand is chicken, it’s admittedly surprising you can get a peanut butter sandwich here. And, given the brand’s vocal conservative politics, it’s especially surprising you can get said sandwich with a back-alley blowjob. You can only procure this item on Sundays (when they’re supposedly closed). Walk behind the drive-thru menu board and draw a door on it with a piece of chalk, then knock in the rhythm of Queen’s “We Will Rock You.” A tiny slot will open, and the sandwich will fly towards you.
Stick your member in the slot, and you will be orally serviced. Who’s in there, you ask? It could literally be anyone (but it’s probably Bob, the assistant manager). Just enjoy it while you can, because after learning all this, your days are numbered.
Images: Unsplash, Pexels, Flickr/Mike Mozart, Flickr/Ambika, Flickr/Mike Mozart, Wikimedia, Flickr/Mike Mozart, Pexels, Wikimedia, Wikipedia/ Alan Fung Schwarz, Flickr/Jay Reed