Juice cleanses are a quick and effective method to trim down on dead weight and stagnant energy. Why not give yourself a break from all that oppressive and exhausting chewing you’ve been doing and treat yourself to a juice cleanse that will help you restart your system and find out who your true friends are at the same time? One week of drinking liquefied veggie slop in various shades of baby diarrhea while acting like an insufferable, smug asshole dealing with caffeine withdrawal is a great way to help you rid your life of those excess friends.
Where To Start:
Before you start your juice cleanse, it’s important to remember that you need to make sure everyone knows you are doing a juice cleanse. The simplest method is just announcing it to anyone and everyone who will listen to you. Be sure that all your friends at hot yoga, your nanny, and all the women in your office that you don’t like are fully informed of all the fruits and vegetables you will be consuming over the next 3-10 days.
Juiced The Beginning
1 red apple
1 large carrot
1 small chunk of ginger
Ease into your cleanse with a simple recipe to jumpstart your system. If you’re feeling refreshed and energized, use some of that newly discovered energy to tell people about how great you’re feeling and how you don’t think you’ll ever want to eat solid food again. Take it to social media to be certain.
Classic Colon Blast
2 large carrots
4 celery stalks
1 large orange
Handful of kale
While enjoying this concoction, be sure you remind people how much kale you are consuming. At first, they may seem impressed or may even look at you with admiration, but rest assured that they will be ready to stab you if you take one more goddamned sip from your jar and say “mmmm” with your smug fucking smile. You are dropping friends every moment!
Green Delightful Smells Coming From My Skin
1 green apple
1 yellow bell pepper
1 fist-sized chunk of ginger
Large handful of kale
More kale, goddammit, that’s not enough
Be sure to mention the ease and satisfaction you get from your smooth bowel movements as you enjoy this refreshing recipe. It doesn’t matter what the topic of conversation was—bringing up your shit is essential to getting the full benefits of your juice cleanse and trimming down your friend group.
Luminous Innards
1 red apple
1 cucumber
1 pineapple, the whole thing
If you want to get glowing inside and out while you alienate your loved ones, throw these guys in your expensive juicer as you try to remember what chewing food was like. At this point, most of your friends will have stopped calling you, since you have nothing else to talk about, you seem to be sweating out your insides, and there is a pungent smell emanating from your pores. YOU ARE GLOWING.
Fire Shits
1 cucumber
2 large carrots
1 jalapeno
2 beets
Garnish with cayenne pepper
This is a more advanced juice recipe, but when your bowels enact their fiery revenge on you for power-washing them with five straight days of juice and you shit your high-performance athletic pants during yoga, this should lead you to the final step of detoxing your friends. It’s called clarity.
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