Look, I’ve never really been all that great at this homemaker stuff, OK? We had a live-in nanny/housekeeper/cook who helped out a bit when I was young. But between fashion camp and miniature horse polo I never really had the time to learn myself. I like to think I’m just better suited to the era when high-waisted pants and microwave dinners were en vogue. But this is 2018 and craft beers, bento boxes, painstakingly hand-painted facial soaps are all the rage right now. Unfortunately, this has led my crippling lack of domesticity to become a major sore spot for me and my wife. She’s constantly telling me I need to “put in more effort” and “pick up some slack” and “sleep on the couch.” So, fine, you win. Here’s a damn slow cooker pork recipe that’s so easy even a big dumb oaf like me can pull it off.
Slow Cooker Pork
Ingredients:
Pork tenderloin (about 2 pounds)
Bottle of plain barbecue sauce (about 18 ounces)
Can of root beer (any brand)
Bread of your choice
Directions:
Odds are you have an untouched slow cooker from your wedding reception rattling around out in your garage somewhere. My wife can’t stand our slow cooker because it was a gift from my ex-girlfriend, Shannon. She was never really down with me inviting her to the wedding in the first place. But I didn’t get a say in whether or not she invited Chet. So what’s fair is fair, right? Anyway, go dig that sucker out and at least try to rinse the dust off a little bit. This thing is going to become a major asset when she starts insisting on cooking dinners for one. That’s been my experience, anyway.
Once you’re done with the initial set up, just throw that pork right in there. The meat is naturally very salty so it doesn’t really need any fancy preparations and it will easily cover up the taste of your unbidden tears. Next, dump in a full can of root beer, any brand will do. The sweetness of the soda will mix well with the savory flavor of the pork (like how we used to be.) While the acidity from the root beer will help to soften the meat, making it easier to shred apart (like how we are now). Pour in a full bottle of barbecue sauce. Again, the brand doesn’t matter. Just make sure to keep the flavor relatively plain so as not to overpower the root beer. This is about two ingredients supporting each other and working in harmony to help each other be the best that they can be.
Turn the slow cooker on low and let it sit for about 6-8 hours. It’s so simple it literally cooks itself while you work or sleep or attend what you thought was supposed to be a couples’ therapy session but turned out to be your wife and her grad school friend “analyzing your life choices” because “you really need to look at yourself and how your actions affect others and besides, Debbie needs the practice.” When the meat is fully cooked you will need to shred the pork. Try to make a fun game out of it and imagine what the sharp, hot prongs of the fork would feel like sliding into the delicate skin of your wrists. Is that what you want, Brenda?
Serve And Enjoy:
To serve, simply place the shredded pork on the bread of your choice. Dinner rolls, hamburger buns, Texas toast. It doesn’t really matter. You get to decide and don’t ever let anybody try to take that away from you.