Curious about your ancestral lineage? Hate kombucha and don’t know why (other than that it tastes like pee)? Consider the new genealogy app, DNAnUS. Simply download the app, stick your phone up your butt, and let it measure the millennia-worth of crap that’s been hiding in your genetic makeup. Seriously. We can’t emphasize enough how much ancestral crap lies in the lining of your butthole.
How DNAnUS Works
Simply open the app and gently slide your entire cell phone up your butt. Make sure it’s sitting comfortably in the confines of your rectum—you want to be sure it’s fully up there. Wait 45 minutes. Don’t eat or drink anything during this process. (See additional notes on dealing with flatulence. Also, consider purchasing our Cell Phone Retrieval Kit, sold separately.)
Prepare for All the Crap
While you wait with your phone snuggly inside your anus, be sure to mentally prepare for your results. Perhaps you’re related to Scandinavian royalty who worked in the brutal carny folk trade during the early 1900s. Maybe you’re related to H. H. Holmes, or even Ayn Rand. Who knows! The important thing is to make sure you’re ready to learn about the inevitable shittiness that flows through your veins (and butthole).
ASSess Your Results
Yes, you might find it daunting to learn about the horrible people who came before you. That’s why we recommend taking time with your results. After all, it is in newfound (and in this case, butthole-related) knowledge that we truly gain perspective. To help you through this, read on for some testimonials from others who learned about their shitty genealogy.
“Oh shit, my phone’s still in my butt. Were we supposed to take it out?” – Brian Boone
“Says I’m 10% Jamaican. I don’t know what to do with that, man.” – Mark Hill, who’s Canadian
“Who the fuck is Ayn Rand?” – a user who would like to remain anonymous
Download the app today!*
*Yes, this app will collect data from your butt. Yes, the app provider will sell your butt data to third parties.
Image: Pexels