It’s that time of year again! Summer—when the days are getting longer and the air smells of sunscreen and pit sweat. And while the season is almost synonymous with vacation-time, there’s plenty of us out there who realistically won’t be taking any time off. Maybe you don’t trust your incompetent coworkers enough to keep your elite lifestyle blog running in your absence; maybe you just love your career too much to walk away, or maybe you’re technically still classified as a “flight risk” by your local judicial court.
Whatever the case may be, there are thankfully a wealth of ways to at least make it seem like we’re enjoying the summer sun and sand — even when we haven’t technically even left the office/the pre-approved radius of the ankle monitor.
Without further ado, here are this season’s hottest tips for faking that breezy beach look.
Give Your Skin That Gorgeous, Dull Red Lobster Glow
We of the upper-echelons of society aren’t technically known for our bronzed complexions. We’re too high class to actually spend time in the gross outdoors, meaning our skin is generally too delicate for the sun’s harsh, hot rays. So to make your ruse believable, ditch the bottled tan and instead opt for a “natural” sunburned look. Order excessive amounts of blush and a comically-sized applicator puff to apply an all-over ruddy hue. Or, for a waterproof option, add small amounts of red acrylic paint to your usual body wash. Feel free to experiment with various shades and quantities until you get the color that makes you look most believably sun damaged.
Get Those Must-Have Beach Waves By Bathing In Polluted Water
Aside from lobster skin, another tell-tale sign of a recent summer sojourn is those classic beach waves. Remember, we want this to be as authentic as possible, so we’re going to forgo the curling irons and crimpers for a more natural effect. Grab the largest bucket you can get your hands on (you’ll want leftovers for later) and dump a bunch of water and salt in it. Place the water outside and scatter wild animal feed around it (the goal is to get as much wild animal hair and fecal matter in the water as possible).
You could also buy a few saltwater fish and let them swim in the water for a few days/until they die. This will give the water that classic “ocean smell” and feel. Thoroughly wet your hair with home-brewed seawater and allow it to air dry. The longer this noxious concoction stays on your head the more it will naturally curdle and crunch—just as though you spent a day lazing by the seaside.
Rub Yourself in Coffee Grinds (But Definitely NOT Cat Litter)
A lot of people will tell you cat litter is a perfectly acceptable replacement for beach sand, but it isn’t. When that stuff gets wet it gets clumpy, which is a dead give away in the “I’m 100% lying about having spent a fortnight in Bali” department.
However, coffee grounds are a great substitute, as they will remain granular after water is applied.
Scatter coffee grounds in a roasting pan and pour your leftover hair water in it. Mix well. Close your eyes, take a big whiff of your waste-infused hair, and dig your toes into the grounds. It will feel just like the real thing, we promise. For extra realism add shards of glass and used condoms to the mix. When you’re finished reveling in the coarse, warm feel of the sandy beach, throw on your favorite bikini bottoms and low-rise jeans. Dump a couple heaping handfuls of grounds down the back of your bikini and hit the road. It will feel—and perhaps even more importantly, look to others—as though you’re walking with actual beach sand in your butt crack.
There you have it: Your key to an epic beach getaway without the whole getaway part. Join us next time for tips on faking your way through community service.
Images: Pixabay