This Poached Egg Hack Will Totally Ruin Your Marriage!
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
Taking Your Daughter On Vacation, No Matter What the Judge Says
Have you and your daughter been drifting apart? Growing up is tough and can put a strain on a mother-daughter relationship, as can the mania and depression caused by your bipolar disorder. What better way to bridge the divide than to whisk her away on the tropical road trip of a lifetime! Sure, you could […]
Travel Guide: The Best Places to Cry In This Target
Whenever I’m home in Missoula, Montana and I find myself in need — whether I’m finally ready for new curtains or having a serious emotional crisis—I head on down to the local Target. Contained within these hallowed halls is everything you could possibly want (except fresh food, you have to cross the street to the […]
Podcast Brands: Live Your Best Life Living Off Only Podcast-Friendly Products
I Ate Soap For A Week So Now I Can Say Whatever The Fuck I Want To
I’m usually a bubbly, effervescent kind of person, but a few months ago I found myself feeling guilty about the way I was acting. I was letting stress get the best of me, and it was most often expressed through absolutely foul language. Real nasty stuff. Some stuff I’m pretty sure I invented. Regardless of […]
Meet The Flash Mob That Almost Performed At The Royal Wedding
Tad and Brita Carlson have always loved to put on a show. The brother-sister creative team from Burbank, California has gone from puerile backyard productions of Equus to some of the most elaborate flash mobs of the 21st century. In 2017, Tad and Brita produced a promposal flash mob which involved over 300 extras, two […]
A Guide To British Slang So You Can Blend In At The Royal Wedding
If you’re heading over to London-town for the royal wedding, you’ll need to be prepared for a subtle but definite culture shock. While English is the unofficial language of both the UK and the US, that whole revolution thing drove a bit of a linguistic wedge between us. But fear not! We’ve compiled a list […]
Our Step By Step Guide To Shoving Your Entire Fist In Your Mouth
For years people have been whispering about the therapeutic properties of sticking your entire first in your mouth. It’s been called Mouth Fisting, and the benefits are both spiritual and physical. It’s a fun and relaxing pastime and it stretches out your jaw so you can fit even more cheeseburgers in there. I’d had a […]
Avian Toast: Making Bread From Live Birds
Avian toast was created out of necessity to take control of my diet as well as controlling my urge to throttle anything anytime the news is on. Being from the South brings its own set of standards; I’m self-reliant, rustic, and there’s nothing I enjoy more than breaking bread with family and friends. I can […]
Summer Cocktail Recipes That I Will Not Let My Wife Take In The Divorce!
After such a rough-and-tumble winter, Summer cannot get here fast enough. Yeah, isn’t Summer GREAT?! Everyone likes to party during the Summer, right?! I remember the summer, back when I was a bartender before I met Ashlee, that- you know what? Not gonna say it. I bet she’s got her lawyer reading this shit now. […]
SuperFood Secrets! That If You Tell Anyone I’ll Kill You
Everyone wants to extend and enrich their lives by eating natural, healthy, food but only the chosen few can. I mean, let’s face it, if we were all going to live forever thanks to our clean eating, then the earth would be massively overcrowded. So I’ll tell you my super food secrets, but I swear […]
This Shepherd’s Pie Recipe Is GREAT, But It Won’t Change The Fact That Dick Cheney Profited Off The Iraq War
Greetings, Bunny Ears readers! It’s your favorite chef back with another hit recipe! Everybody loves Shepherd’s Pie. It’s a hearty meal that’s PERFECT for a big group of people. I’ve made this recipe dozens of times and it’s always been a crowd-pleaser, but sadly the universal appeal of this traditional Irish dish won’t change the […]
The Commuter’s Guide to Bridge Trolls
[Editor’s Note: This article is not related to the Liam Neeson action vehicle “The Commuter”; Bunny Ears would like to apologize for any inconvenience this poses to our readers.] It’s hard to argue that there is a greater pain to anyone in the modern day working class than the commute. Just think about all the […]
What To Do With All That Clay You’ve Failed to Digest
By now, you’ve probably heard about Shailene Woodley’s advice to eat clay to rid your body of heavy metals and negative isotopes. No one knows what those are, but if you want to be pretty and rich like Shailene, you better have started adding a heaping side of earthenware to every meal. But Shailene never […]
I Smoked Weed for the First Time and It Changed My Life (and Yours)
There will be joy. Oh yes, there will be joy. Many secrets were revealed to me the day I first held my joint aloft, inhaled and said, “By the power of 4:20!” Or was that a cartoon? Doesn’t matter. As I have now come to realize, cartoons contain deeply embedded truths woven from the fabric […]
The Cold Brew Cleanse Gave Me Powers Beyond My Wildest Dreams
Cold brew coffee is all the rage right now. It is simple to make, easier on the stomach than regular drip coffee and gives you a kick of caffeine that everybody could use in the morning. Even the most casual cold brew drinker knows that the more you drink the better you feel and now […]
Cuck My Life: I Get Off On Your Success
Confession time: I’ve had a hell of a run so far. I’ve been told by my friends that I am lucky to have what I’ve been afforded in life, with my peak physical condition, my well-paying job, and my lovely circle of friends and family. But after so many years of spoiling myself with what […]
How to Disguise Your Alcoholism As a Cute Personal Quirk
So your dependence on alcohol is getting out of hand, and people are starting to get worried. It started small, with a nightly six-pack of locally brewed small-batch IPA or an ironic box of wine, but now you’d lick a hobo just to inhale the fumes of Wild Turkey emanating from his pores. That’s troubling […]
Make A Political Impact Using The Inaction Action In Action Method
What exactly is “inaction action in action” and how can it help you make a lasting impact? It’s 1:17 in the afternoon and I am casually scrolling through my facebook feed, hitting like on my friends MLM posts and photos of their children, when suddenly I am confronted with a crisis. Someone has posted a […]
This Fall’s Must-Haves (According To Pumpkin Spice Tea Leaves)
While beautiful for northern topiary and cozy fashion, autumn marks the time of year when holiday stress officially begins. ‘Tis the season for checkout lines and gift-giving headaches! Lord knows if there were a way to get ahead of all the toy and clothing buzz we’d kill to know it. Well, you’re in luck, future […]
Tide Pod Recipes For The Depressed
Tide pods, the breakout “it” ingredients of the 2017/2018 culinary season, combine grittiness and liquid smoothness by putting three distinct flavors into each and every bite. They send a blast of freshness into your mouth and a wave of calorie-burning convulsions straight to your otherwise-bored stomach. And Tide Pod recipes aren’t that easy to come […]
I Went to a World-Famous Korean Spa, and I Don’t Think I’m Ever Coming Home
Nestled in a secluded valley, surrounded by mountains, the exclusive spa is known as Kalliso 22 is one rarely seen by western eyes, due to the long, difficult journey to get there and the exclusive nature of the clientele – you usually have to be someone’s relative in order to gain admission. But I have […]
My Friend Bet Me I Couldn’t Survive A Night In The Wilderness
Survival Diary, Day 1: F**k you, Trevor. That’s right. I’m doing it. “You wouldn’t last a day,” you said. “You’ll sober up on the ride home.” Well guess what? There was no ride home. I took that Uber straight to Rocky Mountain National Park. It was a $147 dollars, but that’s fine. I’ll just take […]
Substitutions For Exotic Ingredients That Are, Ugh, Fine
Sure. Just google what’s in ras el hanout and blend together whatever shit you have in your spice rack.
These 5 Posh Hotels Have One Thing in Common: You’re Banned from Them
Not everybody gets to stay at the most beautiful and luxurious hotels in the world. Especially not you anymore after what you’ve done in them.
The Best Adult Summer Camps Conveniently Located Within The Perimeter Of My Inescapable Arizona Compound
Millennials are reportedly the least likely generation to consider themselves religious. And as the proud leader of my own legally-defined church, I find it greatly disheartening that this new generation appears to worship their Beyoncés and Andrew Garfields over the one true God. And considering the oppression my divine faith has received from the so-called […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Strip Club Dining
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better […]
Caring for Those Wild Animals Infesting Your Home Thanks to Jumanji
So, you played Jumanji and now your house is filled to the brim with animals. What do you do now?
Save The Bees So I Can Keep Using Their Venom To Get High
Bees are dying and we need to save them to maintain the human food supply and let me use their stingers to trip balls on the regular.
We’re Discontinuing Our Charcoal Masks Because You’re A Bunch Of Racists
All you had to do was let the natural detoxifying wonders of charcoal clean out your pores. You couldn’t even do that without being racist, could you?
Travel Guide: The Car Trunk You’re Locked In
There’s a whole world of fun back there to enjoy while the goons drive you to the murder spot.
We Can’t Get Over This Tiny House’s Adorable Tiny Eviction Notice
The idea that tiny houses are more affordable is a common misconception. If you put your mind to it, there’s no reason you can’t live beyond your means in less than 200 square feet of space. Beth and Mike Swendell found that out the hard way when they were recently evicted from a handcrafted, Nordic-accented tiny […]
I Ate This One Thing Every Morning And It Changed My Life
To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real life alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. And that thing is a box of thumbtacks.
We Invited the Street Sharks Creator to Chat About His New Luxury Line of Boulevard Sharks
If you loved Street Sharks you’ll love these luxurious new Boulevard Sharks. If you can afford them, which you almost certainly cannot.
A New York Lifestyle Guru’s Guide to Siberia
Siberia. A land of breathtaking vistas and serene snowscapes, where even the most frenetic of personalities can find space to take a deep breath and truly relax. Lifestyle enthusiast and fashion blogger Faye Kerr traded in her hectic city routine for a quaint aluminum cottage near the Putorana Mountains. She now brings us a glimpse […]
European Cities That Won’t Stretch Your Comfort Zone As A Whitey
Your vacation won’t be relaxing if you have to scream, “I want water! Water. WATER. WAAAT-ERR!” every time you’re thirsty.
Your Most Recent Social Trauma Tells Us Which Of Our Candles You Should Buy
Capitalism is a prison but candles smell nice so tell us your most recent traumatic social experience and we’ll sell you a scented candle!
How To Make Eight-Year-Old Brandon Think You’re The Coolest Counselor At Camp This Year
Hi, my name is Daniel O’Brien, and I am a hiker, Escape Room–avoider, and author, but before all that, many years ago, I was a camp counselor. I worked at a summer camp in Old Bridge, New Jersey for several years, and I still look back on the experience with tremendous fondness. I got to […]
Recipes For Your Ecstasy-Fueled PTA Potluck
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
Which Diet Gave Me Chlamydia? An Investigation
I needed to lose some weight. The problem was I didn’t know where to start: Atkins, Keto, intermittent fasting—to name just a few. The more I researched, the more confused I got. Which is why I decided to try them all to figure out which works best for me and my body. And now I […]
Sober Karaoke And Other Socially Disgusting Ideas For Your Office Party
Ain’t no party like an office party ’cause an office party is necessary to your livelihood! At the Bunny Ears office, we have an office party every 15 minutes to boost morale, consisting of an IV cleanse and a mandatory meditation seminar. For those of you who don’t work at the healthiest place on Earth, here […]
How To Make Mac And Cheese For Your Black Friends, AKA The Correct Way
Step one: Grab your box of raisins. Throw it out the window.
“Birding” Brings Avian Alimentary Process to Hip New Heights
You’d barely notice Mama Bird’s Cafe if you didn’t already know what to look for. Tucked in the back corner of a parking lot in Echo Park, next to a launderette, a cigarette stand, and something called “Dr. Funsicle’s Mystery Shop of Edu-tainment,” is a small room containing four elegantly dressed tables. There’s a sign […]