Seriously just fucking take them.
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
This is your special time! Turn every possible opportunity into your favor.
With the right team of professionals, your child can avoid any and all consequences.
Because why shouldn’t they learn from your fears?
Get that guy fired—your way.
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
Everyone loves Jane. No one likes me. So, Jane seemed like the perfect resolution.
Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.
Santa is the ultimate space daddy and now you may want to get your own but stay away!
You don’t even have to be dead!
It’s the only way.
And don’t forget to buy my companion book!
Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?
When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?
It started when I saw three mysterious figures dancing around a barrel fire in the sewer.
Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.
I am strong, and I can forgive. Just like Ghandi.
Because god damn do they need it
“Boy, do I miss Obama! Merry X-Mas!”
It is his right to choose what I know is best for him.
There was literally no way to prevent this.
Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch
He was known as The Captain back then.
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
Modern guys just aren’t cutting it for me.
7 steps to protect your marriage from the grips of Frankenstein Monsters.
No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.
Instead of candy, give your neighbors what they really want this Halloween: a comprehensive sexual education via seasonal and sensual pumpkins!
