These Crystals Have The Same Names As Women I Cheated On Karen With
Crystals are supposed to manifest health and power but all I manifested was my swift and brutal downfall.
Yes, My Child is a Rescue. It’s The Humane Thing To Do
If you breed your children, you’re literally worse than a hypothetical love child made from the union of Hitler and Stalin, who was then was nannied by Pol Pot.
Duolingo Courses Now Teach You How To Talk To Poors
Now the little green owl will guilt you into learning the language of the lowly and the downtrodden!
Cut Down On Screen Time by Mad Dogging Strangers!
Glaring at strangers is the newest most innovative way to cut out time wasted on your phone.
I’m Wearing This Cone To Better Empathize With My Dog
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
Get The Attention You Deserve By Faking A Pregnancy (Again)
This is your special time! Turn every possible opportunity into your favor.
Choosing The Right PR Firm For Your Racist Kids
With the right team of professionals, your child can avoid any and all consequences.
Redirect Your Anxiety Into Your Children To Make Them Stronger
Because why shouldn’t they learn from your fears?
It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
The Modern Loneliness Epidemic That’s Affecting You And Only You
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
My Resolution Is To Be A Better Person So I Chose Jane from Accounting
Everyone loves Jane. No one likes me. So, Jane seemed like the perfect resolution.
This Year I’ll Finally Finish Bricking My Nemesis Behind That Wall
Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.
Relationship Advice: How Do I Get A Daddy Like Santa?
Santa is the ultimate space daddy and now you may want to get your own but stay away!
Woo Your Future Mate With The Seductive Art Of Whale Screaming
And don’t forget to buy my companion book!
Holiday Dating Hack: Just Fuck Your Cousins?
Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?
Let Go Of Toxic Relationships: Ignore The Homeless Kittens In Your Shed
When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?
Finding Myself: Why I Joined A Gang Of Sewer-Dwelling Martial Artists
It started when I saw three mysterious figures dancing around a barrel fire in the sewer.
How To Be A ‘Cool Aunt’ Just To Get Revenge On Your Sibling
Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.
Forgiveness: My Husband Won’t Let me Throw A Birthday Party For My Dog
I am strong, and I can forgive. Just like Ghandi.
Holiday Messages To Let Your Black Friend Know You Don’t See Color
“Boy, do I miss Obama! Merry X-Mas!”
I Won’t Circumcise My Son Until He Is 18 And I Can Guilt Him Into It
It is his right to choose what I know is best for him.
Train Your Adorable New Puppy By Negging The Shit Out Of It
Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch
I Went to The General To Save Some Time, Why Didn’t He Save My Dad in ‘nam?
He was known as The Captain back then.
Why Can’t My Son Be My Emotional Support Animal? He’s On A Leash
He’s just as untamable as any beast.