When To Tell Your Kids That Santa Died From Autoerotic Asphyxiation
It’s something every parent wonders.
Cage-Free Children: Right For You?
If you’re raising one of these “cage-free children,” you’re a crappy parent. There, we said it.
I’m Worried My Kids Aren’t Weird Enough For Homeschooling
Will they be able to keep up with all those little creeps, goobers, freak-balls and toenail chewers? I’m just not convinced.
Apply Early! These Preschools Are So Exclusive They Don’t Allow Children
Or do you hate your children too much help them succeed?
I’m Beginning To Worry Our Nanny Isn’t Really My Ex-Husband In Disguise
Is it possible I jumped the gun?
Hot Piles Of Garbage: Editor Amanda Mannen’s Morning Routine
Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.
How To Be A ‘Cool Aunt’ Just To Get Revenge On Your Sibling
Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.
I Won’t Circumcise My Son Until He Is 18 And I Can Guilt Him Into It
It is his right to choose what I know is best for him.
Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
The French Model: Teaching Your Child to Eat Like A Perfect Little Asshole
Turn your stupid fat American child into a glorious, perfectly-behaved little Madeline thanks to a strict French diet!
Easy Hand-To-Hand Techniques For Fighting A Doctor Who Wants To Vaccinate Your Child
Everyone enlightened with holistic knowledge knows that doctors are the Hitlers of modern history. While peace is the best policy, there comes a time in every person’s life when they simply must fight back against oppression, and in the war for our children’s safety, there is no price too high. This is why, in the […]
Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers
A lovingly crafted school lunch serves an important function in your child’s life, sending the message to the rest of the children that their mothers are inferior to you. Do you want to send your precious baby to school in a sparkling Tesla with fresh gourmet entrees or a filthy Yaris full of processed meat cubes? […]
Are You Eating Enough Nostalgic Food?
Food trends may come and go, but the foods you ate as a child ironically never go out of style. Most importantly, our bodies recognize the spiritual nutrients of nostalgic foods and manifest repair on a cellular level, returning us to our younger, healthier selves. Scientific facts like these help experts (like me!) recommend a […]
Hobby Farms: Why My Family’s Time Means Nothing to Me
There are a lot of pros and cons to hobby farms. I don’t know what they are. I did little to no research before starting a hobby farm, to the detriment of my relationship with my wife, my relationship with my children, and my relationship with the laws of the land. But since I own […]
Wake Up, Sheeple: Peanut Allergies Don’t Exist
Everyone knows the Western medical industrial complex pumps the American people full of lies along with the occasional life-saving antibiotics. They tell us vaccines are safe, even though we have an entire (officially discredited, whatever) study proving otherwise. They insist that most people have no trouble digesting gluten but refuse to explain why my aura […]
I Freaky Friday’d With My Daughter And What Do All These Emojis Mean?
Whenever I saw those stories on the news about kids and the internet, I always thought, “Not my daughter.” But then it happens to you—you get Freaky Friday’d with your teen, and it hits you like a ton of bricks: You don’t know the first thing about your kid. (Also, you look in the mirror […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Fostering 2,300 Refugee Children
So, you just adopted 2,300 refugee children who have been recently separated from their families either after their parents crossed the United States’s southern border illegally or attempted to legally apply for asylum and were detained regardless. It doesn’t matter—the point is that now you’ve really got your hands full! 1. FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATE […]
Children’s Party Ideas That’ll Really Make Your Kids Earn Their Keep
Listen, you have to throw at least a few birthday parties for those sticky, squirmy parasites who insist on calling you “Mommy” no matter how many times you tell them your actual name. If you don’t, your mom-friends will start to get resentful of how many cupcakes they’ve forked out in the past, and it’s […]
We Found Out Which Snot-Nosed, Filthy Kid Got Your Child Sick This Week
It was Bryce. It’s always fucking Bryce.
You HAVE to Try This Stuffed Chicken Recipe (or They’ll Never Let Me See My Children Again)!
Greetings, Bunny Ears chefs! If you follow this website, you know that we value living a balanced life, and that eating healthy naturally leads to living healthy, and also that I’m a good person who loves his family. I first came across this recipe when I was traveling on business and now I make it […]
Give your children a sex positive Easter
Top Four Household Child-Killers
Everyone knows that electrical outlets, second-story windows, and common household dust can easily kill your child. But did you know that lurking in your house are literally hundreds of thousands of other deadly things you’ve never even thought about but can and will also definitely kill your children and/or pets? Well, there are. We here […]
Thanks To Free Range Parenting, I Haven’t Seen My Kid In Weeks!
My daughter, Willow, has always been a free spirit. She loves to explore and solve problems on her own. I know every mother thinks their child is brilliant, but when she broke the time record at her Montessori school’s escape room, I knew I had a child who could handle herself. I first heard about […]
We Invited the Street Sharks Creator to Chat About His New Luxury Line of Boulevard Sharks
If you loved Street Sharks you’ll love these luxurious new Boulevard Sharks. If you can afford them, which you almost certainly cannot.
How I Escaped My Children This Summer
Oh, sure, everyone always gets sooooo excited for summer. A smorgasbord of fashionable outdoor festivals, sipping mai-tais on elegant beach-side patios, entirely new ways of getting judged by your body – what’s not to love? Your kids, for one thing. Did it occur to you that your kids are going to be home all day, for […]
Ask A $715 Cashmere Beanie
You have questions, this luxurious cashmere beanie has answers. Everything from relationship advice to grooming habits, this cashmere beanie can help!
Which Member of GWAR Should You Hire To Tutor Your Child?
The Berserker Blothar? Or perhaps Bonesnapper?
All The Reasons Why I’m Ready For Kids At The Age Of 23
I’m really good with kids because I understand them. Check out any kid and they’re most likely falling over, talking to themselves, or making crazy shit up. They’re basically me, mini-sized. So now that I’m an adult, and have spent 23 years without ‘em, I’m ready to get knocked up and pop out a few […]
7 Hot Jackets You Can Tie Around Your Neck Like A Cape
Congrats, you’re a superhero now. Off to save the day!