The Sun: What It Is And How to Prepare For It Devouring Your Planet

By now you’ve surely noticed its impact on your everyday life: illuminating your environment, keeping the planet from freezing over in a mile-thick layer of ice, the occasional darkening or even burning of your skin. But few have been able to identify what the sun actually is. Until now. Recent groundbreaking first-hand accounts of feeling and even seeing the sun in the sky have been changing cultural dialogue about what was not so long ago a mostly undiscussed, even taboo, subject. We are here to answer the burning questions about the ever-elusive ball of gas in the sky: What is it? Where did it come from? And how do we prepare for our inevitable heat-death?

There is a toxic myth perpetuated by a children’s television program that will remain unnamed that the sun is actually just a very bright face of a giant human baby in the sky. Since our government forbids anyone but the president himself to look directly at it, nobody has been able to 100% disprove this myth, but NASA has released several public statements to discourage citizens from perpetuating it. Stating that it would be “nearly impossible” for any baby to be that big or that bright, and that “in all likelihood” the baby “wouldn’t even be a baby by now.” At most, NASA is willing to entertain the idea of it being a very bright face of a giant adult, but even that doesn’t quite add up to the nation’s leading scientists’ theories.

Most experts agree that the most scientifically likely explanation for the sun is that it is a star— a reality TV star. There is evidence of an extraterrestrial reality television show that follows several burning fiery outer space gas-ball contestants with the objective of swallowing the planets around them and ending life on those planets as they know it. Ever get that feeling you’re being watched? That’s all the evidence that we have, but it’s compelling, right? Regardless of whether it’s being televised or not (it is), one fact remains: you and everyone you love will die a painful death at the hand of the sun. There are no two ways about it. It’s definitely happening and it’s happening soon. So how do you prepare?

Step 1: Lie down, take a deep breath, relax. Set an intention for this practice.

Step 2: Accept death.

We hope you found these tips and tricks helpful! Remember: nothing about your life or the lives before you will ultimately be remembered or have any lasting tangible impact! Now check out our tips for enjoying the summer bikini season!