Whenever I’m home in Missoula, Montana and I find myself in need — whether I’m finally ready for new curtains or having a serious emotional crisis—I head on down to the local Target. Contained within these hallowed halls is everything you could possibly want (except fresh food, you have to cross the street to the Walmart Superstore for that), including a surprising potential for psychic trauma. We all know you’ve cried in a Target, so if you’d like to consider crying in this one, I’m here to bring you the inside scoop.
Here’s our exclusive guide to the best places to cry at this one particular Target, in order of reason for crying and how much support you need.
The Bathroom
If privacy is what you need, you can’t beat the bathroom. Under these harsh fluorescent lights, you’ll find the oasis of steel walls required to have a really good ugly cry. Sure, there might be people around, but the laws of society dictate that you do not ask questions about anything happening on a toilet.
The Baby Section
If you’re not really sure why you’re crying and you’d like a concrete reason, the baby section’s got you covered. Maybe the clock is ticking but nobody loves you. Maybe you already have children, but they’ve become smelly pubescent monsters on their way to an impressive criminal record, making you long for the days when the worst thing they did was adorably puke. Maybe that dinosaur onesie is just really, really cute, and a steal at $8.99. Whatever the reason, it’ll find you.
The Tech Section
The tech section is a great place to feel bad about being broke. Even with Target’s shockingly low prices, you’ll never be able to afford even half the shit in here. For best results, press your face longingly against the locked glass case containing the gaming systems and remember back to when you were a kid and you didn’t even know what a car payment was. That’s right. Let it out.
This section is also ideal for when your laptop battery craps out and you really can’t spare even the bargain deal of $21.99, but it’s either that or not being able to earn a livelihood.
The Checkout Line
If you need someone, anyone, to talk to, about anything, grab a few purchases and make for the checkout line. The cashier is required by the terms of their employment to talk to you. If you start going on and on about your problems, you’re all but guaranteed at least a sympathetic smile, then some polite nodding, then a contrite reminder that you’re holding up the line before security is called. Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: The more you buy, the longer the cashier is forced to listen to you. It could get expensive, but it’s cheaper than therapy, probably. Then go back to the tech section and cry about being broke.
The Starbucks
As the only real social space in this Target location, this is the best place to go if you need a friend. Just order whatever colorful Frappuccino they’re currently offering in the hopes that the sugar rush might temporarily cheer you up, or at least make for an Instagrammable metaphor about the current coldness of your soul. Wait for the barista to call out “the pitiful and doomed,” take a seat, and let the waterworks flow. A nearby pastry lover is bound to lend you an ear. You can politely decline, of course, if you just want to be alone. It’s perfectly normal to cry in a Starbucks. Trust us.
Photos by the author.
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Mission accomplished. Vloggers are assassins. Podcasters are templars.
No dressing rooms on this list??