Let’s face it: It’s not easy being a vegan on the go. You can’t just throw a bunch of produce in your purse and walk around like you’re Bugs fuckin’ Bunny, chompin’ on a carrot all day. Yes, you’re an above average human, but you still need to snack every now and then like the plebeians around you. I know it’s tempting, but you must resist the urge to purchase that cupcake taunting you as you walk by the adorable bakery with the murderer disguised as a harmless bakery gal, pushing you goods filled with eggs ripped from the uteri of helpless chickens and milk painfully squeezed from the teats of innocent cows. Resist and keep walking, straight into the swampy waters beneath the Brooklyn Bridge. Check out these delicious vegan snacks you can snag down there.
Pizza Box From Grimaldi’s Pizza
Skip the line waiting for the actual pizza from this famous Brooklyn hot spot and find a floating box to chow down on. Unlike their pizza, which is covered in cheese (gross) and sometimes even pepperoni (‘scuse me while I go hurl), the box is cruelty-free, delicious, and—just like their pizzas—huge! This snack won’t leave you hungry.
Rocks
Sometimes, the simplest solutions are right in front of your face. Rocks are abundant down by the river and could not be more substantial to quell your hunger. They’re also low in calories, so feel free to pop back as many rocks as you want! Just don’t go swimming after you eat. You don’t want to sink, now, do you?
Bottle Of East River Water
You could drink regular water any ol’ day, but get a taste of New York’s finest straight from the source. Just like all of the healthiest foods you consume, this water has the same great nutrients. I know this because the water is green and so are vegetables, so that must be true. Just find a floating plastic bottle (there will definitely be one, because people are animals and have no respect for the environment) and scoop up some aquatic goodness. The water is also filled with bacteria, just like kombucha.
Hipster’s Lost Beanie
You can rest assured that the beanie you find under the Brooklyn Bridge will be made with all-organic cotton; a Brooklyn hipster wouldn’t have it any other way. With the winds picking up, these treats are sure to be floating out there on the river. A soaked hat is the perfect cool treat on a hot summer day. So refreshing!
Frisbee
For an ultimate treat, find a floating Frisbee from a game gone wrong. I guess Stu wasn’t ready for ultimate Frisbee, was he? Who even invited Stu?! But his loss is your gain. Take a tip from man’s best friend and get that Frisbee in your mouth! You’ll be chewing that thing all the way until your next meal.
Floating Tire
Did you know that rubber comes from a tree? Ergo, rubber has the vegan seal of approval! Be it from a car, a bicycle, a tricycle, or even a unicycle that has tipped off the bridge, it’s all fair game. Tire has got a gamy texture, but unlike meat, no animals were brutally slaughtered in its making.
Heroin Syringe
If you love a chewy treat, this snack is for you. It’s like a Twizzler without all the unhealthy sugar! If you happen to luck out and find a syringe that still has some H in there, this will certainly be the snack you need to hold you over until dinner. Heroin must be a great appetite suppressant, because heroin addicts are always so thin. God, they’re so lucky.