Vintage Looks So Authentic We Swear You’ll Contract Polio

Vintage looks are not only environmentally sustainable enough to cancel out brunch queen’s Skyler’s HydroFlask collection, but donning retro style will never stop being stylish AF. They symbolize the poise and elegance of a time long gone, when slim silhouettes were both chic and easily maintained by contracting that helpful calorie-burning whooping cough. Here are some of our favorite ensembles of America’s heyday, when we celebrated defeating the Germans but failed to arm ourselves against the war at home – that pesky polio epidemic. It truly was a simpler time!

Miss L Fire Trial and Era Suede Heel in Blue, $175, ModCloth

Jeepers, check out these babies! Not only will you be the bee’s knees when you bust a jitterbug in these sweet little peep toes from vintage queen brand Miss L Fire, but the exposed top area of the foot leaves the perfect amount of room to cut open on the skin a rusty can of Spam. Anyone up for some tetanus after this dance? We thought so!

Bettie Page Black and White Gingham Cherry Print Swimsuit, $88, Unique Vintage

Cough, cough, pose! Bettie Page pin-up style is iconic and eternally flattering on any body type. Wear this one piece to the pool to attract all the eager beavers, maybe even those dirty sailor boy types who leave a little poopoo in the pool and pass around polio to all the pretty gals as much as they like to with the smooches!

1940s Dress Lana Cornflower, $130, Vivien of Holloway

Va-va-voom, you ready Hedy! Wouldn’t you just die for tailored, flattering cuts like these? With the Lana dress from Vivien of Holloway, strap yourself into a garment that fits so perfectly snug on the ribs, you’ll fancy yourself a doppelganger to Joan Fontaine or experience the fabulous look of struggling to breathe like a classic tuberculosis patient. You’ll get spots on your lungs and get hella spotted on the street!

Chambray Wide Leg Slacks, $60, Black Sheep Designs on Etsy

Hey, dandy Sandy! Women wearing pants was awfully controversial in ancient America, so sporting some of these roomy trousers is not only comfortable to boot, but you’re a regular badass bombshell! Speaking of bombshells, most ladies of 1940’s time were probably courted by men with severe undiagnosed PTSD. Wowee!

Vintage 1940’s Blazer, $112, Lilli Ann of San Francisco from Sputniks Vintage on Etsy

You’re a dead ringer for Rosalind Russell in this chic blazer at Sputniks Vintage. His Girl Friday cosplay, anyone? Wasn’t that movie involve a murderer? Murder was for sure also a very common disease back in the day, you know, when laws were looser and there wasn’t social media around to help document creeps. You’ll attract some creeps, alright! And maybe even some sailors carrying foreign disease. Dating was such a rush back then!

These Vintage Polio Leg Braces, $175, Etsy

If dad tennis shoes and platform mules can make a comeback, why can’t this piece of darling historical footwear? Previously worn by children ailing from the paralyzing polio virus, these antique braces are sure to scream, “I’m so fabulous my legs can’t even carry me!” Talk about old Hollywood glamour!

If you’re a true fashionista, you know that wearing vintage is less about your personal style preference and more about attracting attention. Look at me! I’m wearing clothes from another time! On purpose! Vintage frocks also notoriously come with odors and stubborn stains or, as we like to call them, little trophies! Imagine that weird little spot came from the garment’s former owner who died of the en vogue illnesses of the time and just so happens to fester and grow within your own body!

Don’t fret over the medical bills and potentially life-threatening situations! You’re all about authenticity and, like any proper clotheshorse, would literally die for fashion.