We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!

Don’t get us wrong: We rely on our healing crystals, acupuncture, and jade eggs to stay healthy and centered here at Bunny Ears. But we just tried Western medicine for the first time and HOLY SHIT is it effective! I mean, holy shit, you guys. Who knew that visiting a fully-accredited medical doctor would leave so many of us in the office feeling more revitalized than ever? We feel even better than that time we got a vitality blessing from our in-office shaman, Chak’Tal (sorry, Chak’Tal!).

We still recommend you build up your child’s natural immunities by making them swim through polluted rivers to expose them to live viruses, but now—at the screaming insistence of a trained medical professional—we also recommend you supplement it with traditional vaccinations provided by doctors who have never had their medical claims questioned before a Senate panel. (However, even though we’re pretty sure the flu shots we all got are the reason flu rates in the office have plummeted as compared to previous years, we’re still not ready to go all in on vaccinations. In a month we’ll get a final tally of how many of us have developed autism and we’ll take it from there).

One thing we didn’t expect was how empowered we felt when we asked a medical specialist probing questions about specific concerns instead of scouring mommy forums for solutions from people whose avatars we’ve deemed trustworthy. The forums can be a mess of conflicting opinions; it often felt like we were pulling advice out of a hat filled with ideas contributed only by Midwestern single mothers whose medical experience was a six-week data entry job at an orthodontist’s office. The plethora of “–ologists” we visited knew exactly what we were going through without even having to consult their best friend Sharon, who cured a similar condition with oolong tea and increased sun exposure.

And medications, my God. Why didn’t anyone ever tell us about prescription medicines before? Instead of rubbing a couple of shiny stones for hours a day for months on end to get rid of a kidney infection, a little orange bottle of antibiotics from a doctor with a diploma can clear it up in a matter of days. We picked them up at the CVS around the corner in little baggies with our names on them, handed to us by real pharmacists in lab coats. It’s a nice change of pace from getting illegal medicinal herbs from a nameless man with an eye patch in the back of a shop that only sells wind chimes.

We had blood tests run even though our favorite guru explicitly warned us there’s no way we’d ever get our blood back. “Once your blood is gone, it’s gone,“ he said. “You only get so much blood. You shouldn’t have let them steal your blood.” However, the doctors assured us that blood does, in fact, come back. Wowza!

We had a lot of fun hearing our insides with the “stethoscope.” It’s hard to describe, but it’s kind of a plastic and metal version of the conch shell Polynesian tribal chieftains hold to your forehead to listen to the soft howl of your ailing soul. I’m just thankful that when the doctor found my heart murmur he didn’t throw me gagged and bound to starving hogs as the chieftains often do.

Overall, we can’t recommend Western medicine enough. Band-Aids, thermometers, treatments based on observable evidence gathered by trained medical professionals and tested by their peers—all of it; it’s all great. In fact, we have a feeling Western medicine just may be the next big wellness trend, right behind letting a goat step on your pressure points to rebalance your libido.

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