Divorce is tough. It’s been a beat since your wife left you for that war criminal who now runs a dog shelter, but you’ve finally bounced back. You know you’ll catch some heat for getting remarried so fast—especially because some might consider your new relationship “unconventional.” Fortunately, we’ve been there, and we’re here to help you and your newly-christened wife pillow navigate the treacherous waters of your upcoming parent-teacher conference.
1. Assert Your Waifu’s Strength as a Woman
These educator-types will likely be inclined to refer to your beloved wife pillow as “some anime shit” or “a crusty pillow,” so get in quick with the formal introductions and normalize the situation. When we went to our first school conference after marrying our waifu, Yasumi-chan, we demanded that all of our son Jojo’s teachers use her full name and look her in the eyes when they addressed her. We established situational dominance and were immediately respected for it.
We also dressed Yasumi-chan up in a smart pantsuit with the biggest shoulder pads we could find, because she’s a strong, independent bag of polyester and she’s not here to play games.
2. Explain Dakimakura Culture in Great Detail
In our experience, everyone likes it when a straight white man passionately describes an obscure Japanese subculture, so take any opportunity you can to launch into your dakimakura speech—phrases like, “Is this your kid’s toy or something?” or “Huh?” can serve as great jumping-off points for your lengthy, well-practiced speech about pillow culture.
Make sure to emphasize that it’s not a sex thing; it’s more about security and comfort. However, if you party like us, you’ll want to prepare five interesting things to say about the weather when the teacher acknowledges your waifu’s tasteful love hole.
3. Present a Unified Front as Parents
Parent-teacher conferences aren’t just about progress in school, they also serve as a window into your family’s private home life. Make sure you and your wife pillow are on the same page about your child’s development, because nothing raises eyebrows faster than arguing with an inanimate object about discipline.
4. Falsify All Documents
Most schools won’t understand your unique family dynamic, so it’s good to have a backup plan. Ensure that you’ve never given your real address, telephone number, or any other personal information to your child’s school (or any institution ever). If things go south during your conference, you can rest easy knowing that Child Protective Services will never find you!
If the school’s sensibilities are that tragically Western, it’s probably not the right fit for your beautiful family anyway.
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