There have been a lot of briefcases in professional wrestling. ’90s superstar IRS carried a briefcase. Custody of Rey Mysterio’s son, Dominic, was once held above the ring in a briefcase. But if there’s one briefcase that reigns supreme, it’s the Money in the Bank briefcase. Just think of the design on that beaut’. Front and center: MONEY IN THE BANK (the name of the Pay-Per-View and also just the name of the briefcase). There’s then a graphic of a briefcase on the briefcase, as if to remind you that it is, indeed, a briefcase. And lastly, the cherry on top of this brand sandwich: the WWE logo.
I could go on about the pristine exterior of this bad boy, but I learned from Kane that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. So, I decided to call our local WWE historian and ask for the scoop on the contents of the case. Here’s what was revealed:
A Joint From RVD
When RVD won the briefcase, weed was still risqué. Nowadays, your doctor’s rolling a J while refilling your Adderall, and your grandma’s taking CBD after hot yoga. You’d think Rob’s heightened paranoia would’ve lead to a lengthy title reign for ol’ VD, but unfortunately, it only lasted a few days.
Ken Kennedy’s Microphone
Ken Kennedy trained at the Wrestling Wrestling School, alongside Kelly Kelly, Dudley Dudley, and Tony Anthony. Once described as, “if a Bud Light became a person,” Kennedy was poised for a bright future (mostly because of the way he said his name twice). Sadly, he lost his briefcase to Edge after probably pissing someone off or something.
A Condom From Edge
It’s no surprise Edge left a condom in the case since he doesn’t seem like the type of guy to use them.
CM Punk’s Straight Edge Ruler
As it turns out, the “straight edge” CM Punk was always referring to was a literal straight edge—like for measuring. CM Punk isn’t sober at all. The dude just loves carpentry … and ketamine.
A Picture of Heath Slater’s Family
Brock Lesnar is an exciting superstar because he blurs the line between what’s real and what’s scripted. But one thing that was totally NOT real was Brock’s claim that he doesn’t give a shit about Heath Slater’s kids. In fact, The Beast gives a lot of shits. So many shits that he’s been paying for Slater’s kids to attend college. Currently, he keeps a picture of the Slater family in the briefcase as a reminder of what he’s fighting for.
Randy Orton’s Vape Juice
He may be The Viper, but that ain’t venom in those fangs. It’s pure, concentrated vape juice, aka the nectar of the gods. When the Vaper isn’t dropping dudes on their heads via RKO (which stands for “Releasing Klouds Only”), he’s blowing fat clouds that would make Ricky Steamboat proud. It’s no surprise a vile of Randy’s Secret Stuff can be found rattling around in the briefcase.
Be sure to check in next month when we’ll be taking a look at what’s really inside The Undertaker’s urn!
Images: WWE, Sears.com