So Your Toddler Just Realized They’re Going To Die Someday
We’re all going to die someday, but dumb toddlers usually don’t figure that out so soon. Whoops.
My Secret Fetish: Those Gummy Sharks With The Soft, White Bellies
This is the story of my intense gummy shark fetish.
Designer Strap Ons: His Dick May Be Real, But Yours Is 9 Inches of Dior
Read on for the latest trends in dildo couture.
Breathing Exercises To Use In Case You Get Buried Alive Someday
Have you heard of alternate nostril breathing?
Biodegradable Workout Equipment You’ll Only Use Once Anyway
Want to save the planet AND keep being an unimprovable slob? Our biodegradable work-out equipment lets you finally feel good about doing nothing!
I Owe My Newfound Confidence To Therapy And Stilts (Mostly Stilts)
The secret to rebuilding my confidence was admitting that I needed help – the help of a trusted therapist and of a pair of 5-foot-tall circus stilts.
These Trendy Salads Were Recalled But Oh God We’re Gonna Eat Them Anyway
The hottest new salad proteins are hopefully maggots, because that’s definitely what’s in this trendy salad pack we bought three weeks ago!
Glasses You’ll Look Hot In Provided You Are Already Hot
Want to look hot? Get a pair of glasses They’ll make you look hot. Especially if you’re already hot.
Karaoke Songs With Long Instrumental Breaks Everyone Will Love
You’re probably used to singing the worst karaoke songs ever. If you’re one of those people who love singing songs that end too quickly, this is for you.
Exclusive: A Rebuttal from Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong
Nearly 30 years later, the subject of the Spin Doctors’ memorable hit gives HER side of the story.
My New Dog Is Adorable, Fits in My Purse, and Commands Me to Kill
You won’t believe who my new dog will want to see cleansed in Holy Blood. Celebrities? Politicians? You? Also I bought her the most adorable new dress.
How to Raise Your Boys to Be Feminists Who Also Rock at Magic
We need to teach our boys consent, mutual respect, and how to freaking rock at magic.
Savory Ice Cream Flavors Created by Some Monster
Check out our reviews of these actual savory ice cream flavors apparently made by demon aliens who want to ruin everything you love in this world.
I’m Furious That Bunny Ears Used My Picture in an Article about Micropenises
When Bunny Ears used a stock image of my face in an article about micropenises, I thought my life was over. It was only just beginning.
My Charming, Brilliant Leash Kid Should Be Able to Shit in Your Dog Park
My leash kid is on a leash. The dogs are on leashes. I don’t see the problem?
How to Decide Which Cat Is Inheriting Your Fortune
You may love your cats equally, but they aren’t all equal when it comes to personal responsibility.
The Best Flavored Coffees to Throw in Your Boss’s Face When You Quit
You wanna throw coffee in your boss’s face but it has to be the right kind because you are above all, professional.
4 Vegan Breakfasts That Look Delicious Even Though You Know They Aren’t!
Because brunch is expensive but tricking your friends into eating your gross food is priceless.
How to Listen to Your Body’s Needs Using 6 FT. of Hose and Some Lube
Self care is important. That’s why we want you to listen to your body. No, like REALLY listen to it. Know what we’re saying?
We Apologize for Endorsing Sex with Men
Having mulled over all the evidence since the dawn of time, we’ve realized that sex with men was an atrocious mistake, and we must apologize.
This Mother’s Day Give Your Mom The Gift Of Planning Mother’s Day
She’s always been there for you. So this year, why not give her the Mother’s Day of her dreams by having her plan the whole thing?
Great Ways To Sneak In Some Day Drinking This Mother’s Day
Drinking on Mother’s Day won’t help your partner and children truly appreciate you, but it WILL get you through another day without murder charges!
Sorry, but the Latest Self-Care Fad Is Letting Badgers Maul Your Genitals
Do animals put you in a better mood? Then you have to try the latest self-care trend, featuring adorable badgers! They’re cuddlier than they look!
We’ve Discovered an All-Natural Vaping Alternative Called ‘Tobacco’
This amazing new tobacco plant is all-natural and therefore must be healthy. Right?
If You Ate Those Charcoal Ice Cream Cones You Now Have 24 Hours to Live
We were first to tell you to try charcoal ice cream cones, so let us also be the first to add some unfortunate news!
If My Kids Love Me so Much, Why Won’t They Donate to My Patreon?
If My Kids Love Me So Much, Why Won’t They Donate To My Patreon
Lose 20 Friends with These 30-Minute Workouts
Want to makeover not just your body but your whole dang life?
Our Exclusive Sneak Peek at the New Frasier-Inspired Makeup Line
If you love taupe you’re going to lose your shit for this.
We Put A Naked Lady Doing Yoga On This Article So You Will Click
Look, we all know you only browse yoga articles because maybe you’ll see a nipple or something. Whatever.
What Bathroom Stall You Use Based On Your Myers-Brigg Personality Type
We dove deep to find out exactly where you should be pooping. You’re welcome!
Cage-Free Children: Right For You?
If you’re raising one of these “cage-free children,” you’re a crappy parent. There, we said it.
All Of The Ways Your Pet Hedgehog Has A Far Better Life Than You Ever Will
Sadly, you will never be able to experience the sheer, shit-eating bliss of being somebody’s beloved pet hedgehog. What an existence.
Jackfruit Is The Vegan Alternative To Dog Meat You’ve Been Waiting For
Look, we get it. There’s no need to preach to us about how good dog meat can be, and finding a healthy, delicious, vegan alternative can be difficult. Enter jackfruit, a freaky-looking, spiky fruit native to the tropical lowlands of Southeast Asia. Its meaty texture and neutral flavor will leave you amazed that you’re not […]
Fetish Of The Month: Subscription Boxes
Don’t act like you don’t have a thousand favorite subscription boxes.
The Newest Spring Color Is Gray Because All The Plants Have Died
We might be living in a lifeless, barren wasteland, but it’s nothing a little color wouldn’t spruce up if we hadn’t killed every color but grey!
What You’ll Choke To Death On Based On Your Star Sign
The other alternative is to just keep your big mouth shut and starve to death. #horoscopes
Welcome To The Bunny Ears Sex Issue, Which Is Mostly Just Garfield Erotica
We really didn’t think this one through
Identity Retreats: The Best Self-Care After You’ve Witnessed A Crime
I thought my life was over when I changed my identity and was forced into hiding. But boy was I wrong
How I Used The Hinge App To Find The Smartest, Most Successful Exes
Based on my experience, these are hard rules (no exceptions) on how to catch the absolute perfect, most brilliant, driven person ever.