I’d Quit My Fashion Job But I Love Dressing Rich People As Literal Dicks
For me, it started small. It was a beanie that looked like a dick.
It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
Barney The Dinosaur On Shopping, Sex, And His Healthy Purple Glow
We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]
There Was A Mini Friends Reunion In My Latest Restraining Order
Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.
7 Fun Knives For Severing Your Pinkie After Breaking Your Resolutions
There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.
Support Nature By Yelling ‘Yaaas Queen’ At Pandas That Won’t Mate
Even if the people who own the zoo keep telling you to please stop doing that.
The Modern Loneliness Epidemic That’s Affecting You And Only You
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
The Realm of The Piss Demon And Other Dirtiest Places In Your Home
The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,
Make The Most Of Your Dying Days And Multi-Task Your Bucket List
You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.
5 Questions About Spaghetti You Should Never Ask on a Job Interview
The question job applicants dread.
We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!
Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!
Travel Guide: Night Vale
I don’t really know how I ended up in Night Vale. No one here does. One day, you just find yourself there.
Poop Doulas And 4 Other Types Of Doulas You Didn’t Know You Need
A good doula is duty-bound to help you do things your way!
Horoscope: Which Type Of Flu Will Kill You When The Pandemic Hits?
With overpopulation, global travel, and not one, but several strains of drug-resistant superbugs already taking hold, it’s safe to say that you and everyone you know will die in a pandemic (soon). And if modern history has taught us anything, this pandemic will likely come in the form of classic influenza. But will you die of […]
My Resolution Is To Be A Better Person So I Chose Jane from Accounting
Everyone loves Jane. No one likes me. So, Jane seemed like the perfect resolution.
Conquer Your Kid’s Fear of the Dark by Criticizing Them All Day
It won’t be long before your child starts to crave the dark. No more crying when you put them to bed!
Should I Use Nanotechnology To Turn My Stomach Into Several Cow Stomachs?
So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?
I’m Not The Writer Of This Article, I’m Just Burgling Her Apartment
She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!
Why We’ve Moved Our Offices To A Barge On International Waters
It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?
This Year I’ll Finally Finish Bricking My Nemesis Behind That Wall
Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.
The Newest Therapy Trend: Telling The Grocery Clerk How Sad You Are
A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.
The Hottest Snow Gear You Can Still Fuck In
We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.
Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘What’s Your Favorite Grilled Cheese Recipe?’
“Grilled cheese” is a relative term.
The Best Books To Burn To Keep You Super Cozy This Winter
Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?
Creatures Ethical To Milk Because We’re Not Even Sure They’re Animals
Spider Milk? Wait no spiders do silk. Right. Ignore this. Pretend we never suggested it.
This Mom’s New Years Resolution Is To Get Turnt The Fuck Up
This year, my goal is to get shwiggity fuckin’ shwasted, and I can’t wait to get to it!
Relationship Advice: How Do I Get A Daddy Like Santa?
Santa is the ultimate space daddy and now you may want to get your own but stay away!
Sugar-Free Christmas Cookies Less Disappointing Than Your Incel Son
Nothing sucks the air out of a holiday gathering like sugar-free baked goods and the son with a face only a mother would want to disown.
The Beginner’s Guide To The Perfect Plantation Wedding
Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.