European Cities That Won’t Stretch Your Comfort Zone As A Whitey
Your vacation won’t be relaxing if you have to scream, “I want water! Water. WATER. WAAAT-ERR!” every time you’re thirsty.
The Secret To Inviting In Wealth: Think Naughty Thoughts To Make Money Horny For You
I’m here to clear up your misconceptions about earning money.
Increase Your Positivity: Respond To Criticism With Lyrics From ‘Rent’
To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese!
Is Non-Consensual Non-Monogamy Right for You?
You’re not cheating. You’re simply engaging in sexual acts with people outside your marriage without telling your partner about it. And that’s different. There’s a different label on it. And a book. And a website. So it’s fine.
Be The Most Fascinating Person at The Party By Drinking Mulled Urine
Hear me out, I don’t like the taste of piss. But I do like how it makes me appear interesting.
Your Most Recent Social Trauma Tells Us Which Of Our Candles You Should Buy
Capitalism is a prison but candles smell nice so tell us your most recent traumatic social experience and we’ll sell you a scented candle!
Noticing—and Correcting—Mouth Breathing. You Fucking Mouth Breather.
Theodore Roosevelt, Genghis Khan, Gandhi, the Buddha — all proud nose breathers, pal.
How To Make Eight-Year-Old Brandon Think You’re The Coolest Counselor At Camp This Year
Hi, my name is Daniel O’Brien, and I am a hiker, Escape Room–avoider, and author, but before all that, many years ago, I was a camp counselor. I worked at a summer camp in Old Bridge, New Jersey for several years, and I still look back on the experience with tremendous fondness. I got to […]
How To Hack Your Urethra
When early ape arose from the shore of our great ocean womb, no longer could we protect our monkey eggs from the harshness of a dry environment. It was then that our vestigial tail bud tissue formed the pulpy genitalia we so cherish today. For snakes, this process involved unused limb flesh being repurposed into […]
Recipes For Your Ecstasy-Fueled PTA Potluck
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
Hoodies: Zip-Ups vs. Pull-Overs (A Definitive Guide For Garbage People)
The debate is as old as the internet itself. Who knows, it may be even as old as the sweater itself – we have no way of knowing. And yet still, today, in 2018, the argument rages on: which type of hoodie is superior: the zip-up or the pull-over? You may be asking why, at […]
Vintage Looks So Authentic We Swear You’ll Contract Polio
Vintage looks are not only environmentally sustainable enough to cancel out brunch queen’s Skyler’s HydroFlask collection, but donning retro style will never stop being stylish AF. They symbolize the poise and elegance of a time long gone, when slim silhouettes were both chic and easily maintained by contracting that helpful calorie-burning whooping cough. Here are […]
Why I Won’t Move In With My Boyfriend Until We’re Engaged Or At Least Dating
My friends are often surprised to find out that I won’t move in with a guy until I’ve got a ring or at least an understanding that we are a couple. Sure, it’s a little old fashioned, but it’s what works for me. I’m not some stuffy agony aunt trying to tell you what to […]
Color Of The Month: Dandelion (In Memoriam)
Hi Everyone! I’m Dandelion, but you can call me Dan D., and I’m your Color of the Month! (In Memoriam) That’s right, I don’t exist anymore, according to Crayola. According to my former employer, I “retired” last year. Bullshit. I was replaced, after 27 years of dedicated service to the crayon industry, by some young […]
Which Diet Gave Me Chlamydia? An Investigation
I needed to lose some weight. The problem was I didn’t know where to start: Atkins, Keto, intermittent fasting—to name just a few. The more I researched, the more confused I got. Which is why I decided to try them all to figure out which works best for me and my body. And now I […]
Sober Karaoke And Other Socially Disgusting Ideas For Your Office Party
Ain’t no party like an office party ’cause an office party is necessary to your livelihood! At the Bunny Ears office, we have an office party every 15 minutes to boost morale, consisting of an IV cleanse and a mandatory meditation seminar. For those of you who don’t work at the healthiest place on Earth, here […]
How To Make Mac And Cheese For Your Black Friends, AKA The Correct Way
Step one: Grab your box of raisins. Throw it out the window.
The Beginner’s Guide To Ethical Fur: Accentuate With Whole Live Animals
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better […]
How to Deliver A Toast That’s Actually The Culmination of A 20-Year Revenge Scheme
Guys, wedding speeches are the worst, am I right? We’ve all had to sit through some mediocre, if not humiliating, toasts throughout the years, and I’m sure we’ll have to sit through many more. Fortunately, my toast won’t be one of them, as- believe it or not- it’s the culmination of a 20 year revenge […]
“Birding” Brings Avian Alimentary Process to Hip New Heights
You’d barely notice Mama Bird’s Cafe if you didn’t already know what to look for. Tucked in the back corner of a parking lot in Echo Park, next to a launderette, a cigarette stand, and something called “Dr. Funsicle’s Mystery Shop of Edu-tainment,” is a small room containing four elegantly dressed tables. There’s a sign […]
These Stories Are So Spiritually Inspirational That We Couldn’t Bring Ourselves To Fact Check Them
We all need a dose of inspiration now and then, and nothing helps us continue to live life to the fullest like epic inspirational stories of someone absolutely rocking their spiritual side. These particular stories inspired us so much that we couldn’t face it if we found out they weren’t true, so we didn’t bother to […]
Our Dream Fall Menu Is A Plate of Teeth and a Photo of My Dad
When Bunny Ears asked me to handle our harvest menu planning, I was thrilled. I love entertaining, and fall is my favorite season to do it. I didn’t just want to create a BEAUTIFUL feast, I wanted to create my DREAM feast. So to inspire myself, I loaded up on Benadryl and rode that pink […]
The Hottest Mid-Post-Winter-Pre-Spring Trends: 2019 Edition
Think about a heavy coat and also goggles.
Which Artisan-Crafted DUI is Right For You?
Anyone can get caught speeding with a few Fentanyl IPA patches on their arm and a desire for danger.
2019 Swimsuit Trends For Every Body As Long As They’re Skinny
Swimwear is no place to abandon ANY of your sisters, that’s why we’ve got the perfect swimsuits for every gal whose body fat percentage we accept as okay!
Confuse And Terrify Your Children Into Eating Healthy
Try these handy tricks to both terrify and confuse them into submission.
How Do You Tell If An Object Sparks Joy Or Just Gave You An Orgasm Once?
No, literally all I have left now are vibrators and cake mix.
I Replaced My Leg Tendons (For Yoga) And Now My Leg Is Haunted
I just wanted to do one freaking pose but now I have to deal with ghosts?
3 Best Places To Lay Your Eggs This Spring (And 4 You Shouldn’t!)
Wake up, you actual bear who has been sleeping for months. Bet you’re hungry.
Non-Phallic Sex Toys For When You Wanna Get Plowed By A Muppet
We can approximate Muppet genitals based on their design with the following colorful sex toys clearly designed to simulate Muppintercourse.
I Tried Ingesting A Genetically Engineered Sensor To Monitor My Gut Health And Now I Can’t Stop Quoting Mean Girls
If you’re anything like me, all it takes is a bite of a burrito or a sip of a latte to send you on a one-way trip to bathroom town. I also can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. So when I found a flyer under my door asking […]
Recipes For Boogers Since That’s The Only Thing My Gross Kids Will Eat
At your wit’s end with your kids eating their boogers instead of your delicious homemade meals?
I Foster My Son’s Creativity by Keeping Him in an Empty Room
I make sure my child’s creativity stays strong and vibrant by keeping him in an empty room.
How I Used Yoga (And Journaling) To Channel My All-Consuming Rage
Bunny Ears Editor-In-Chief Shawn DePasquale asked me to attend several yoga classes after I complained that I was feeling very stressed out. The one caveat was that I had to purchase a journal and record my thoughts on the process. So I bought this $375 handmade large luxury leather-bound journal to record my insights that […]
How I Escaped My Children This Summer
Oh, sure, everyone always gets sooooo excited for summer. A smorgasbord of fashionable outdoor festivals, sipping mai-tais on elegant beach-side patios, entirely new ways of getting judged by your body – what’s not to love? Your kids, for one thing. Did it occur to you that your kids are going to be home all day, for […]
A Beginner’s Guide To Making Really Cool Friends
Hey there, pal. You seem like a cool dude, brother. You know, I’ve seen a lot of cool, tough guys in my time, so I know a real dude when I see him. But I also know that it’s hard out there for cool, hip boys who are just trying to hang ten with the […]
Love Yourself So Much It’s Inappropriate In Public
Love yourself like you recently met yourself, have been dating successfully for a month and have been banging yourself nonstop.
This Article Contains Three Longevity Tips for Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Certain Death for All Other Trespassers Whomst Would Gaze Upon It
I am Ruth Bader Ginsburg: see A I am not Ruth Bader Ginsburg: see B A. Welcome, Justice Ginsburg! We are truly honored by your eyeballs. To keep you alive as long as humanly possible, we have assembled a group of shamans, crystal healers, wellness advocates, voodoo priestesses, culotte tailors, and 25-year old studs who […]