Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.
Sometimes when I breastfeed in public, ignorant store owners or cops feel the need to stop me instead of dealing with their own weird hangups. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural. It’s a sacred bond between a mother and her young, and I should have the right to breastfeed my snakes in public whenever I want. […]
Seriously. Right now.
Foam rolling is a great way to elongate your spine and eliminate back pain. Keeping a foam roller in your house will ensure that your back is straight and your feet are tripped every time you try to walk through the living room. I purchased a foam roller, and it came with a brochure titled […]
OK, so: I was given this…color as our color of the month and told to write about it. I have no idea what to call this color. None. This month’s color is…rose…ish? No, less red than that. More orange. Apricot? Coral? Peach? Cantaloupe? Something like that. Maybe Salmon color. What does Salmon color even look like? […]
If there’s one thing on which we at the Bunny Ears office can all agree—and there isn’t much, if last week’s violent melee over which crystals are best is anything to go by—it’s that Craig sucks. Should we fire him even though he works for free and we never actually hired him in the first […]
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery is very popular among rich, straight, cis female readers, but is it really necessary? After all, most of those readers don’t realize their husband definitely fucked a couch in middle school. Your vagina is perfectly fine the way it is—men will have sex with it and literally anything else on the planet. […]
Forget moisturizer, anti aging cream, acne products, facial cleanser, medical hazard eye wash, propranolol, peanut butter so your dog will take her pills, lip balm, wound balm, elbow balm, elephant balm—forget all the balms! Forget cyst rub, antifungal cream, antibacterial cream, engine lube and Abreva. In fact, forget going to doctors, dentists, and car mechanics […]
Hey grown ups! You’re mature, responsible, and prepared for life. You eat food that’s food! Right? That’s why flavored lip glosses aren’t a cruel test of temptation for you, you competent person you. Who are we kidding? You’re gonna eat this shit. You’re gonna slop it on your face and eat it. You’re gonna lick […]
“Fortifying.” “Disgusting.” “Illegally procured hyena meat.” These are just some of the words and phrases Silicon Valley elites are using to describe Splopr, the hot new meal slurry they believe is necessary now. Packed full of consonants and something called “unfiltered nature liquids,” Splopr is the essence of what Silicon Valley considers healthy. Yes, it also […]
As summer comes to a close, we find ourselves desperately grasping at its last wispy strands, before fall settles in and we have to wear real clothes again. That’s why this month’s color of the month is Begrudging Summer Camp Tie-Dye. Tie-dye was invented by baby boomers when they were adults and could appreciate the […]
Back-to-school season is right around the corner, and we might as well warn you now: Your roommate is definitely gonna try to fuck in front of you. Here are some screens. Legacy Decor 4-Panel Plum Blossom Screen Room Divider, Black 4 Panel Wood Mesh Woven Design Folding Wooden Screen Room Divider Rose Home Fashion […]
Everyone knows the best impulse purchases involve fertility, copious doctors’ visits, and disclosing your social security number on medical forms. And is there any better way to beat the summer heat than taking your freshly harvested, frozen eggs in a cooler to all your summer picnics? We don’t think so! That’s why we at Bunny […]
Along with stem cell facials, human blood bags, and not letting your workers unionize, raw water is all the rage in Silicon Valley. But what do you do if there are no natural springs or rivers near your home? I have found the perfect solution to this problem. I discovered a naturally occurring water source […]
Lifestyle blogs and magazines offer an endless supply of sex tips, whether or not the staff has actually tried any of them. But we’ve tried everything here in the Bunny Ears office. You should see our mangled genitals. They’re a slop-fest. Totally unrecognizable. That’s why, when I was asked to come up with even more […]
What’s the best way for a millennial to relax after a long week of killing our nation’s greatest industries? Why, condiment pie, of course! Condiment pie is a beautiful trend that combines all the wholesome goodness of regular pie with spending zero money. Here’s how you make it: Step One: Save Your Old Pizza And […]
First of all, we here at Bunny Ears would like to say we are SO SORRY for our article about chic summer boots. The men in our office keep the thermostat at a reasonable 40 degrees, so we were unaware of the harm our article about sexy summer boots seems to have caused. Also, we […]
You might need to sage it out.
Anxious about yoga? Me too. Luckily, I figured out a way to combine my best habit with my worst one! Here are some toenail biting stretches you need in your life: The Tentative Dreamer: The Nasty Gazelle: The Aspirational Mouth: Love’s Tender Kiss:
These refined, often floral perfumes are timeless classics. They will make you feel sophisticated and chic and also remind you that grandma is dead forever. Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, so spray some of the below fragrances on that hot young bod and remind yourself that grandma’s never coming back! 1.) Chanel […]
Dear Goop.com: We have your therapist. He is in the Bunny Ears warehouse, breathing and meditating normally. He is healthy and spiritually aligned. We’re guessing you want him to stay that way. If you want your therapist returned safely please give us your Top 10 Summer Skin Care Product Recommendations. We’re not messing around […]
Regardless of their sex, your cat can have anywhere from 4 to 10 nipples, because God hates cat owners and wants to punish us. They’re horrifying, and they love showing them off like common whores. I’ve been to every vet in Los Angeles County and they all refused to remove my cat’s unsightly nipples, so […]
Deal with it.
Guys. Stop everything. There’s blood on the floor. I’m pretty sure this is blood. The Bunny Ears LA office has blood in it right now. Everybody stop meditating and ear candling! Look at this! Somebody claim your blood! Stop typing what I’m saying, Shawn, stop typing and explain this blood. Maybe this is prop blood. WHOSE […]
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
So, here’s the story of how I stumbled upon this cool thing called “the bus:” it all started last week when I had to get my private plane and BMWs serviced at the same time. Ugh! Everyone’s worst nightmare! Even worse, my chauffeur was on “leave” for “emergency heart surgery.” Such an unreliable man. I […]
Do you want a tight vag or not?!
We just want Daniel to be happy.
Ain’t no party like an office party ’cause an office party is necessary to your livelihood! At the Bunny Ears office, we have an office party every 15 minutes to boost morale, consisting of an IV cleanse and a mandatory meditation seminar. For those of you who don’t work at the healthiest place on Earth, here […]
And yes, that’s why I took this job at Bunny Ears
He is cold and gone and his lips look stunning.
We know you’re probably sick of reading lemon-stuffing articles. Almost every lifestyle blog has been pumping these out like, well, butt lemons. But we promise this definitive guide to lemon stuffing will be the last article you ever have to read about stuffing lemons up your butt! Bunny Ears has your back (which will soon […]
We’re saying ‘yes’ to summer and ‘no more’ to your lawsuits!
Are your testicles smooth, fashionable add-ons or veritable Truck Nutz®? Balls are your body’s ultimate accessory, and you should care for them as such. Wrinkly testicles are SO OUT! You want your testicles to be shiny, spherical orbs for you and your partner(s) to enjoy. Here are some Bunny Ears–approved treatments that will get your […]
Honestly, what is bird box and why are all of my friends talking about it?
Hey, these are amazon links. If you actually buy some stuff we get a little bit of money. HISDERN Plaid Tie And Handkerchief Ok, Fine. Soophen Mens Necktie Sure. ABP Ties For Men: Set Of Two Fuck it.
Fashion is cyclical. What used to be popular decades ago will be popular again. (Get ready for powdered wigs and not showering!) That’s why it’s crucial that you buy all the baggy pants you’ll need in 20 years in bulk now so you’re ready when they become popular again. Don’t think baggy pants could ever […]
I gave birth to him, and I can un-give it.
Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]
This is a story of a sweet, innocent young woman letting go, embracing her kinky side, and learning to reconcile those two facets of her personality. I was a sexually inexperienced grad student when I first met “Dan,” an interior designer whose taste in decor was pretty standard, but whose sexual proclivities were anything but […]
Welcome to Bunny Ears Essentials! Today, our topic is abiogenesis, the origin of life in the form of simple organic compounds that arise from inorganic or non-living substances. Abiogenesis likely occurred over 3.5 billion years ago on Earth. (Don’t come at us with your panspermia hypothesis bullshit!) But don’t be fooled by how long it’s been—abiogenesis […]
I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.
Don’t even introduce yourself.
Because “cruelty-free” just isn’t enough.
Here’s why.
It takes both time and commitment to get me anywhere even close to an orgasm.
