Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.
Welcome to Bunny Ears Essentials! Today, our topic is abiogenesis, the origin of life in the form of simple organic compounds that arise from inorganic or non-living substances. Abiogenesis likely occurred over 3.5 billion years ago on Earth. (Don’t come at us with your panspermia hypothesis bullshit!) But don’t be fooled by how long it’s been—abiogenesis […]
I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.
Don’t even introduce yourself.
Because “cruelty-free” just isn’t enough.
Here’s why.
It takes both time and commitment to get me anywhere even close to an orgasm.
As a woman in 2019, I do not recommend.
They’re incredibly distracting.
It’s really the only major change.
You never looked inside! Dumb!
Some self-described Sapiosexuals are pansexual and pretentious, but others are just pretentious. You’re smart, you fuck smart, and everyone should know it.
It was very much not okay in the end.
Everyone loves mug cake! It’s fast, easy, and impossible to see what’s inside the mug once you’ve begun making it. Here’s how we happened upon this recipe.
I’m not asking for much.
Say you already know your healthy husband is about to die from mysterious causes. Which life insurance policy should you choose for him?
Jesus Christ, really? I can’t wait to see the suggested ads on this one.
It’s for the best.
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!
Fucking again with this shit?
Sometimes when I breastfeed in public, ignorant store owners or cops feel the need to stop me instead of dealing with their own weird hangups. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural. It’s a sacred bond between a mother and her young, and I should have the right to breastfeed my snakes in public whenever I want. […]
Seriously. Right now.
Foam rolling is a great way to elongate your spine and eliminate back pain. Keeping a foam roller in your house will ensure that your back is straight and your feet are tripped every time you try to walk through the living room. I purchased a foam roller, and it came with a brochure titled […]
OK, so: I was given this…color as our color of the month and told to write about it. I have no idea what to call this color. None. This month’s color is…rose…ish? No, less red than that. More orange. Apricot? Coral? Peach? Cantaloupe? Something like that. Maybe Salmon color. What does Salmon color even look like? […]
If there’s one thing on which we at the Bunny Ears office can all agree—and there isn’t much, if last week’s violent melee over which crystals are best is anything to go by—it’s that Craig sucks. Should we fire him even though he works for free and we never actually hired him in the first […]
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery is very popular among rich, straight, cis female readers, but is it really necessary? After all, most of those readers don’t realize their husband definitely fucked a couch in middle school. Your vagina is perfectly fine the way it is—men will have sex with it and literally anything else on the planet. […]
Forget moisturizer, anti aging cream, acne products, facial cleanser, medical hazard eye wash, propranolol, peanut butter so your dog will take her pills, lip balm, wound balm, elbow balm, elephant balm—forget all the balms! Forget cyst rub, antifungal cream, antibacterial cream, engine lube and Abreva. In fact, forget going to doctors, dentists, and car mechanics […]
Hey grown ups! You’re mature, responsible, and prepared for life. You eat food that’s food! Right? That’s why flavored lip glosses aren’t a cruel test of temptation for you, you competent person you. Who are we kidding? You’re gonna eat this shit. You’re gonna slop it on your face and eat it. You’re gonna lick […]
“Fortifying.” “Disgusting.” “Illegally procured hyena meat.” These are just some of the words and phrases Silicon Valley elites are using to describe Splopr, the hot new meal slurry they believe is necessary now. Packed full of consonants and something called “unfiltered nature liquids,” Splopr is the essence of what Silicon Valley considers healthy. Yes, it also […]
As summer comes to a close, we find ourselves desperately grasping at its last wispy strands, before fall settles in and we have to wear real clothes again. That’s why this month’s color of the month is Begrudging Summer Camp Tie-Dye. Tie-dye was invented by baby boomers when they were adults and could appreciate the […]
Back-to-school season is right around the corner, and we might as well warn you now: Your roommate is definitely gonna try to fuck in front of you. Here are some screens. Legacy Decor 4-Panel Plum Blossom Screen Room Divider, Black 4 Panel Wood Mesh Woven Design Folding Wooden Screen Room Divider Rose Home Fashion […]
Everyone knows the best impulse purchases involve fertility, copious doctors’ visits, and disclosing your social security number on medical forms. And is there any better way to beat the summer heat than taking your freshly harvested, frozen eggs in a cooler to all your summer picnics? We don’t think so! That’s why we at Bunny […]
Along with stem cell facials, human blood bags, and not letting your workers unionize, raw water is all the rage in Silicon Valley. But what do you do if there are no natural springs or rivers near your home? I have found the perfect solution to this problem. I discovered a naturally occurring water source […]
Lifestyle blogs and magazines offer an endless supply of sex tips, whether or not the staff has actually tried any of them. But we’ve tried everything here in the Bunny Ears office. You should see our mangled genitals. They’re a slop-fest. Totally unrecognizable. That’s why, when I was asked to come up with even more […]
What’s the best way for a millennial to relax after a long week of killing our nation’s greatest industries? Why, condiment pie, of course! Condiment pie is a beautiful trend that combines all the wholesome goodness of regular pie with spending zero money. Here’s how you make it: Step One: Save Your Old Pizza And […]
First of all, we here at Bunny Ears would like to say we are SO SORRY for our article about chic summer boots. The men in our office keep the thermostat at a reasonable 40 degrees, so we were unaware of the harm our article about sexy summer boots seems to have caused. Also, we […]
You might need to sage it out.
Anxious about yoga? Me too. Luckily, I figured out a way to combine my best habit with my worst one! Here are some toenail biting stretches you need in your life: The Tentative Dreamer: The Nasty Gazelle: The Aspirational Mouth: Love’s Tender Kiss:
These refined, often floral perfumes are timeless classics. They will make you feel sophisticated and chic and also remind you that grandma is dead forever. Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, so spray some of the below fragrances on that hot young bod and remind yourself that grandma’s never coming back! 1.) Chanel […]
Dear Goop.com: We have your therapist. He is in the Bunny Ears warehouse, breathing and meditating normally. He is healthy and spiritually aligned. We’re guessing you want him to stay that way. If you want your therapist returned safely please give us your Top 10 Summer Skin Care Product Recommendations. We’re not messing around […]
Regardless of their sex, your cat can have anywhere from 4 to 10 nipples, because God hates cat owners and wants to punish us. They’re horrifying, and they love showing them off like common whores. I’ve been to every vet in Los Angeles County and they all refused to remove my cat’s unsightly nipples, so […]
Deal with it.
Guys. Stop everything. There’s blood on the floor. I’m pretty sure this is blood. The Bunny Ears LA office has blood in it right now. Everybody stop meditating and ear candling! Look at this! Somebody claim your blood! Stop typing what I’m saying, Shawn, stop typing and explain this blood. Maybe this is prop blood. WHOSE […]
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
So, here’s the story of how I stumbled upon this cool thing called “the bus:” it all started last week when I had to get my private plane and BMWs serviced at the same time. Ugh! Everyone’s worst nightmare! Even worse, my chauffeur was on “leave” for “emergency heart surgery.” Such an unreliable man. I […]
