Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.
The Most Obnoxious Ways To Come Out As Sapiosexual
Some self-described Sapiosexuals are pansexual and pretentious, but others are just pretentious. You’re smart, you fuck smart, and everyone should know it.
We Tested All The Lubes And Now We’re Exhausted
It was very much not okay in the end.
Our Recipe For Trapped Spider Mug Cake
Everyone loves mug cake! It’s fast, easy, and impossible to see what’s inside the mug once you’ve begun making it. Here’s how we happened upon this recipe.
I Planned A Destination Funeral And The Guests Are So Selfish
I’m not asking for much.
The Best Life Insurance For Your Soon-To-Be-Dead Husband
Say you already know your healthy husband is about to die from mysterious causes. Which life insurance policy should you choose for him?
What Is Hentai And Why Are Your Kids Powerless Against It?
Jesus Christ, really? I can’t wait to see the suggested ads on this one.
Cut Down On Waste: Let Your Boyfriend Use Your Diva Cup For Mouthwash
Let’s save the planet together!
We Tried These Viral Beauty Trends On Our Dead Son
He is cold and gone and his lips look stunning.
The Modern Loneliness Epidemic That’s Affecting You And Only You
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
What Is This Bird Box Service And Can I Order ‘Just The Beaks’?
Honestly, what is bird box and why are all of my friends talking about it?
My New Year’s Resolution Is To Shove My Son Back Up In There
I gave birth to him, and I can un-give it, too.
I’m Not The Writer Of This Article, I’m Just Burgling Her Apartment
She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!
This Ladies’ Brunch Is A Front For Selling Candles, Isn’t It?
Fucking again with this shit?
Dudes In Makeup (Why I Took This Job)
And yes, that’s why I took this job at Bunny Ears
It’s Me, The Guy At This Party Who Will Definitely Try To Crack Your Back!
I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.
I Deserve The Right To Breastfeed My Snakes In Public
Sometimes when I breastfeed in public, ignorant store owners or cops feel the need to stop me instead of dealing with their own weird hangups. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural. It’s a sacred bond between a mother and her young, and I should have the right to breastfeed my snakes in public whenever I want. […]
Bunny Ears Essentials: Abiogenesis
Welcome to Bunny Ears Essentials! Today, our topic is abiogenesis, the origin of life in the form of simple organic compounds that arise from inorganic or non-living substances. Abiogenesis likely occurred over 3.5 billion years ago on Earth. (Don’t come at us with your panspermia hypothesis bullshit!) But don’t be fooled by how long it’s been—abiogenesis […]
I Started Foam Rolling And Now I’m Tumbling Down A Hill At 50mph
Foam rolling is a great way to elongate your spine and eliminate back pain. Keeping a foam roller in your house will ensure that your back is straight and your feet are tripped every time you try to walk through the living room. I purchased a foam roller, and it came with a brochure titled […]
Color Of The Month: Coral? Peach? Salmon? Fuck. Get Me The Swatches.
OK, so: I was given this…color as our color of the month and told to write about it. I have no idea what to call this color. None. This month’s color is…rose…ish? No, less red than that. More orange. Apricot? Coral? Peach? Cantaloupe? Something like that. Maybe Salmon color. What does Salmon color even look like? […]
Avocados And Avocadon’ts: The Case Against Our Intern
If there’s one thing on which we at the Bunny Ears office can all agree—and there isn’t much, if last week’s violent melee over which crystals are best is anything to go by—it’s that Craig sucks. Should we fire him even though he works for free and we never actually hired him in the first […]
Forget Rejuvenation! Get Gordon Ramsay To Yell Angry Encouragement At Your Vagina
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery is very popular among rich, straight, cis female readers, but is it really necessary? After all, most of those readers don’t realize their husband definitely fucked a couch in middle school. Your vagina is perfectly fine the way it is—men will have sex with it and literally anything else on the planet. […]
How Many Lemons Is Too Many Lemons When It Comes To Stuffing Your Butt Hole?
We know you’re probably sick of reading lemon-stuffing articles. Almost every lifestyle blog has been pumping these out like, well, butt lemons. But we promise this definitive guide to lemon stuffing will be the last article you ever have to read about stuffing lemons up your butt! Bunny Ears has your back (which will soon […]
Forget Sunscreen, Moisturizer and Wound Dressing—Try Mack’s Grease!
Forget moisturizer, anti aging cream, acne products, facial cleanser, medical hazard eye wash, propranolol, peanut butter so your dog will take her pills, lip balm, wound balm, elbow balm, elephant balm—forget all the balms! Forget cyst rub, antifungal cream, antibacterial cream, engine lube and Abreva. In fact, forget going to doctors, dentists, and car mechanics […]
The Best Lip Glosses To Pretend You’re Not Just Gonna Eat
Hey grown ups! You’re mature, responsible, and prepared for life. You eat food that’s food! Right? That’s why flavored lip glosses aren’t a cruel test of temptation for you, you competent person you. Who are we kidding? You’re gonna eat this shit. You’re gonna slop it on your face and eat it. You’re gonna lick […]
Sober Karaoke And Other Socially Disgusting Ideas For Your Office Party
Ain’t no party like an office party ’cause an office party is necessary to your livelihood! At the Bunny Ears office, we have an office party every 15 minutes to boost morale, consisting of an IV cleanse and a mandatory meditation seminar. For those of you who don’t work at the healthiest place on Earth, here […]
Buy All The Baggy Pants You’ll Need In 20 Years In Bulk Now
Fashion is cyclical. What used to be popular decades ago will be popular again. (Get ready for powdered wigs and not showering!) That’s why it’s crucial that you buy all the baggy pants you’ll need in 20 years in bulk now so you’re ready when they become popular again. Don’t think baggy pants could ever […]
We Tried The Meal Slurry Silicon Valley Elites Call ‘A Necessary Evil’
“Fortifying.” “Disgusting.” “Illegally procured hyena meat.” These are just some of the words and phrases Silicon Valley elites are using to describe Splopr, the hot new meal slurry they believe is necessary now. Packed full of consonants and something called “unfiltered nature liquids,” Splopr is the essence of what Silicon Valley considers healthy. Yes, it also […]
Color Of The Month: Begrudging Summer Camp Tie-Dye
As summer comes to a close, we find ourselves desperately grasping at its last wispy strands, before fall settles in and we have to wear real clothes again. That’s why this month’s color of the month is Begrudging Summer Camp Tie-Dye. Tie-dye was invented by baby boomers when they were adults and could appreciate the […]
Ball Wrinkles Are Out! Get Super Smooth Balls With These Testicle Wrinkle Treatments
Are your testicles smooth, fashionable add-ons or veritable Truck Nutz®? Balls are your body’s ultimate accessory, and you should care for them as such. Wrinkly testicles are SO OUT! You want your testicles to be shiny, spherical orbs for you and your partner(s) to enjoy. Here are some Bunny Ears–approved treatments that will get your […]
I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache
Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]
Stylish Dorm Room Screens For When Your Roommate Tries To Fuck In Front Of You
Back-to-school season is right around the corner, and we might as well warn you now: Your roommate is definitely gonna try to fuck in front of you. Here are some screens. Legacy Decor 4-Panel Plum Blossom Screen Room Divider, Black 4 Panel Wood Mesh Woven Design Folding Wooden Screen Room Divider Rose Home Fashion […]
Summertime Treat! Freeze Your Eggs
Everyone knows the best impulse purchases involve fertility, copious doctors’ visits, and disclosing your social security number on medical forms. And is there any better way to beat the summer heat than taking your freshly harvested, frozen eggs in a cooler to all your summer picnics? We don’t think so! That’s why we at Bunny […]
I Drank Raw Water From My A.C. And I Feel Like A New Woman
Along with stem cell facials, human blood bags, and not letting your workers unionize, raw water is all the rage in Silicon Valley. But what do you do if there are no natural springs or rivers near your home? I have found the perfect solution to this problem. I discovered a naturally occurring water source […]
How To Have Sex On A Beach (And Other Places That Seemed Fun As A Virgin)
Lifestyle blogs and magazines offer an endless supply of sex tips, whether or not the staff has actually tried any of them. But we’ve tried everything here in the Bunny Ears office. You should see our mangled genitals. They’re a slop-fest. Totally unrecognizable. That’s why, when I was asked to come up with even more […]
Condiment Pie: The Millennial Snack Craze That’s Financially Necessary
What’s the best way for a millennial to relax after a long week of killing our nation’s greatest industries? Why, condiment pie, of course! Condiment pie is a beautiful trend that combines all the wholesome goodness of regular pie with spending zero money. Here’s how you make it: Step One: Save Your Old Pizza And […]
Follow Up To Our Summer Boots Article: The Best Foot Fungus Treatments
First of all, we here at Bunny Ears would like to say we are SO SORRY for our article about chic summer boots. The men in our office keep the thermostat at a reasonable 40 degrees, so we were unaware of the harm our article about sexy summer boots seems to have caused. Also, we […]
Vaginal Cleansing Techniques For After Sex With Brian
We’ve all read those studies that say douching and antibacterial washes are unhealthy and unnecessary. But come on. This is Brian we’re talking about. There has to be something you can do to feel clean after having sex with Brian. Here are some ideas that are medically unnecessary (or even harmful!) but psychologically reassuring after […]
Stretch & Stress: How To Bite Your Toenails With Ease
Anxious about yoga? Me too. Luckily, I figured out a way to combine my best habit with my worst one! Here are some toenail biting stretches you need in your life: The Tentative Dreamer: The Nasty Gazelle: The Aspirational Mouth: Love’s Tender Kiss:
7 Fragrances That Will Remind You Grandma’s Gone Forever
These refined, often floral perfumes are timeless classics. They will make you feel sophisticated and chic and also remind you that grandma is dead forever. Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, so spray some of the below fragrances on that hot young bod and remind yourself that grandma’s never coming back! 1.) Chanel […]
Dear Goop, We Have Your Therapist. If You Want Him Back Give Us Your Best Summer Skincare Products
Contour Your Cat’s Nipples So They’re Less Disgusting
Regardless of their sex, your cat can have anywhere from 4 to 10 nipples, because God hates cat owners and wants to punish us. They’re horrifying, and they love showing them off like common whores. I’ve been to every vet in Los Angeles County and they all refused to remove my cat’s unsightly nipples, so […]
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…