bunnyears

…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…

Sorry, Haters: I Can Call My Dog “My Baby” Because I Gave Birth To Him

Hey you self-absorbed human moms! I’m sorry my life is so much better than yours that you feel the need to lash out when I talk about my dog baby. All your sanctimonious mommy blogs and Facebook rants just prove how jealous you are. My baby is adorable, trained to sit, and according to a statistic I just made up, I handle 10% less poop than you. Because of the little bags. Just because your lives suck so bad doesn’t mean you get to judge me, a proud dog mom. Literally. I gave birth to my dog.

It all started about three months ago (which is the normal gestation period for a dog) when I got so fucking sick of going to baby showers. I’d had enough of the diapers, the cribs, and those weird little baby swings human moms use to trap their children in an endless loop of nausea. And I’d especially had enough of my smug mom friends. After a particularly horrifying shower (Cheryl’s, of course) in which we played “guess the cervix dilation,” I decided I could do better than a disgusting human baby. I got on all fours and prayed for Xan’katal the dog-faced demon to bless me with his seed. Xan’katal must have deemed me worthy to carry his canine spawn because my prayer totally worked! Take that all you self-righteous mommy bloggers!

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I blacked out all winter long while pregnant with my glorious puppy antichrist, but the chewed-up and peed-upon newspapers in my apartment give me some clue as to what I was up to. Also, the mailman will no longer come to my door, and I’m pretty sure when I was pregnant I attacked my vacuum cleaner and all my electrical outlets. How’s that for “baby proofing” you mommy blogging narcissists? (Especially you, Cheryl, your blog interface is a terrible chartreuse and nobody cares that you use a baby food mill.)

The point is, now I have a dog son that I get to call my baby forever and there’s nothing you stupid human mommies can do about it!

Public domain puppers pexels
Being a mother is so gratifying

And anyone who doesn’t believe me can watch the birth-exorcism themselves. I taped it. Before I attacked the camera. I tried to put the video on Instagram but they removed it because it showed a woman’s nipples (they were totally fine with the birth of Xan’katal’s infernal dog baby though.)

Having a dog baby is so much better than just being a regular mom. For one thing, puppies mature faster than human babies. My baby is only three weeks old and he’s already walking/talking about killing all non-believers! Plus, he’s vaccinated for worms. Is your baby vaccinated for worms? I didn’t think so! Clearly I am the superior mother and I am entitled to calling my dog my baby. I have the stretch (and claw) marks to prove it.

Choose Mack's middle name!

Mack needs your help to choose his new middle name.

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