Sorry, Haters: I'm a Dog Mom Because I Literally Gave Birth To My Dog
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Sorry, Haters: I Can Call My Dog “My Baby” Because I Gave Birth To Him

dog mom

Hey you self-absorbed human moms! I’m sorry my life is so much better than yours that you feel the need to lash out when I talk about my dog baby. All your sanctimonious mommy blogs and Facebook rants just prove how jealous you are. My baby is adorable, trained to sit, and according to a statistic I just made up, I handle 10% less poop than you. Because of the little bags. Just because your lives suck so bad doesn’t mean you get to judge me, a proud dog mom. Literally. I gave birth to my dog.

It all started about three months ago (which is the normal gestation period for a dog) when I got so fucking sick of going to baby showers. I’d had enough of the diapers, the cribs, and those weird little baby swings human moms use to trap their children in an endless loop of nausea. And I’d especially had enough of my smug mom friends. After a particularly horrifying shower (Cheryl’s, of course) in which we played “guess the cervix dilation,” I decided I could do better than a disgusting human baby. I got on all fours and prayed for Xan’katal the dog-faced demon to bless me with his seed. Xan’katal must have deemed me worthy to carry his canine spawn because my prayer totally worked! Take that all you self-righteous mommy bloggers!

I blacked out all winter long while pregnant with my glorious puppy antichrist, but the chewed-up and peed-upon newspapers in my apartment give me some clue as to what I was up to. Also, the mailman will no longer come to my door, and I’m pretty sure when I was pregnant I attacked my vacuum cleaner and all my electrical outlets. How’s that for “baby proofing” you mommy blogging narcissists? (Especially you, Cheryl, your blog interface is a terrible chartreuse and nobody cares that you use a baby food mill.)

The point is, now I have a dog son that I get to call my baby forever and there’s nothing you stupid human mommies can do about it!

Public domain puppers pexels
Being a mother is so gratifying

And anyone who doesn’t believe me can watch the birth-exorcism themselves. I taped it. Before I attacked the camera. I tried to put the video on Instagram but they removed it because it showed a woman’s nipples (they were totally fine with the birth of Xan’katal’s infernal dog baby though.)

Having a dog baby is so much better than just being a regular mom. For one thing, puppies mature faster than human babies. My baby is only three weeks old and he’s already walking/talking about killing all non-believers! Plus, he’s vaccinated for worms. Is your baby vaccinated for worms? I didn’t think so! Clearly I am the superior mother and I am entitled to calling my dog my baby. I have the stretch (and claw) marks to prove it.

Hana Michels
Hana Michels

Author - Hana - Editor - Warrior

Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.

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