I’ve Never Been Prouder Than The Day I Helped My Children Beat Their First Murder Charge
There are many moments during your life as a parent in which you get to feel immeasurable pride for the children your first marriage bore you. Once you and your partner’s schedules lined up and you could reserve time in between getting your enamel sealed with cucumber spring water and applying a Starbucks cold brew […]
PTA Fashion Essentials: How To Show The Other Moms You Rarely Get Day Drunk Anymore
I guess some people would claim it’s my own fault that the PTA moms don’t want me to hang out anymore. You wear one inside-out bikini to your daughter’s kindergarten graduation, and all of the sudden, it’s “I’m sorry, I already made plans for the weekend” and “Oh, we’re not inviting the whole class to Tegan’s […]
Sniff Out The Best Preschool For Your Toddler Using Bomb Dogs
Let’s face facts: Preschool is the most important time in a child’s life. High school is the most important time in a teenagers’s life, and college is the most important time in a young adult’s life. Parenthood is the most important time in an adult’s life and you’ve already succeeded in squirting one out. But what […]
Summertime Treat! Freeze Your Eggs
Everyone knows the best impulse purchases involve fertility, copious doctors’ visits, and disclosing your social security number on medical forms. And is there any better way to beat the summer heat than taking your freshly harvested, frozen eggs in a cooler to all your summer picnics? We don’t think so! That’s why we at Bunny […]
Easy Hand-To-Hand Techniques For Fighting A Doctor Who Wants To Vaccinate Your Child
Everyone enlightened with holistic knowledge knows that doctors are the Hitlers of modern history. While peace is the best policy, there comes a time in every person’s life when they simply must fight back against oppression, and in the war for our children’s safety, there is no price too high. This is why, in the […]
Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers
A lovingly crafted school lunch serves an important function in your child’s life, sending the message to the rest of the children that their mothers are inferior to you. Do you want to send your precious baby to school in a sparkling Tesla with fresh gourmet entrees or a filthy Yaris full of processed meat cubes? […]
Turn Your Child’s Baby Teeth Into An Incredible Superfood That You Can’t Quit — Even If You Want To!
Chronic exhaustion is par for the course for the modern parent. Between work, childcare, and all the odds and ends of adulting, it can feel like life is one long “To Do” list. Which is why it’s critical to fuel our bodies. And it’s also why we’re thrilled to introduce you to a 100% natural […]
Wake Up, Sheeple: Peanut Allergies Don’t Exist
Everyone knows the Western medical industrial complex pumps the American people full of lies along with the occasional life-saving antibiotics. They tell us vaccines are safe, even though we have an entire (officially discredited, whatever) study proving otherwise. They insist that most people have no trouble digesting gluten but refuse to explain why my aura […]
Fun Menstruation-Themed Recipes For Your Daughter’s Menarche Celebration Party
It’s time to plan the most important day of your daughter’s life, other than her marriage to a rich Doctor Without Borders. Menarche is a woman’s first period, when she blossoms from a young bud into a magnificent, pimply flower. Too often, a woman’s period is stigmatized and shunned, so no matter how much your […]
I Freaky Friday’d With My Daughter And What Do All These Emojis Mean?
Whenever I saw those stories on the news about kids and the internet, I always thought, “Not my daughter.” But then it happens to you—you get Freaky Friday’d with your teen, and it hits you like a ton of bricks: You don’t know the first thing about your kid. (Also, you look in the mirror […]
How To Use Blackmail To Secure Your Toddler’s Spot In A Prestigious Private Preschool
For better or worse, a college degree is no longer enough to ensure your child’s success. When 300 other job applicants all have the same Computer Engineering degrees, only your child’s exclusive early education experience (aka, private preschool) will give him or her the upper hand over the rest of those nerds. Unfortunately, the snobs […]
Giving Your Child The Advantages Of Your Immense Wealth Without Being A Helicopter Parent
One of the best things about being obscenely loaded is that you can ensure your children also enjoy the benefits of immense wealth, thus perpetuating a rock-solid cycle of compounding privilege that will echo down your bloodline for years to come. However, be wary of becoming not just a helicopter parent but the even more […]
We Found Out Which Snot-Nosed, Filthy Kid Got Your Child Sick This Week
It was Bryce. It’s always fucking Bryce.
Gender Reveal Party Ideas So Good That Everyone Will Be Talking About Your Baby’s Genitals For Months
So you want to announce the gender of your unborn child, and you want that announcement to be as garish as possible. We totally get you. But how do you make your gender reveal party stand out amidst balloons, confetti, piñatas, and cupcakes? You have to think big — as big as the belly that’s about […]
Raising The Antichrist: The Fine Line Between Follower And Father
Today’s generation of parents face a very difficult decision: how do you define your relationship with your child? With the omnipresence of social media, the dangers of the digital age, and changing social norms, there’s more pressure than ever to be more like a “friend” to your children rather than a “guardian.” Besides, if you […]
I Inject My Kids With Kindness – NOT VACCINES
In 2016, after my eighth round of IVF, I was finally blessed with my stunning designer triplets, Hayden, Kayden, and Dave. After becoming a mom, I started doing some hard soul-searching. What type of parent did I want to be? I was interested in combining parenting with the holistic, natural, and spiritual philosophies by which […]
Improve Your Child’s Immunity By Coughing In Her Face
Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.
Common Board Games For Building A Lifelong Rivalry Between Your Kids
Risk doesn’t have to be the only game that tears families apart! With a little manipulating even checkers can have your kiddos start a lifelong rivalry that’ll jumpstart them to greatness!
Thanks To Free Range Parenting, I Haven’t Seen My Kid In Weeks!
My daughter, Willow, has always been a free spirit. She loves to explore and solve problems on her own. I know every mother thinks their child is brilliant, but when she broke the time record at her Montessori school’s escape room, I knew I had a child who could handle herself. I first heard about […]
How To Prevent Your Baby From Loving Your Au Pair More Than You
Can affluent moms ever catch a break? Between running your charities, maintaining perfect abs after childbirth, and crafting your own line of cruelty-free makeup from berries and charcoal, there’s hardly any time left to be a #BossBitch at motherhood. Hiring an au pair to take care of your exceptionally above-average child is a great solution […]
Recipes For Your Ecstasy-Fueled PTA Potluck
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
Confuse And Terrify Your Children Into Eating Healthy
Try these handy tricks to both terrify and confuse them into submission.
I Foster My Son’s Creativity by Keeping Him in an Empty Room
I make sure my child’s creativity stays strong and vibrant by keeping him in an empty room.
Recipes For Boogers Since That’s The Only Thing My Gross Kids Will Eat
At your wit’s end with your kids eating their boogers instead of your delicious homemade meals?
How I Escaped My Children This Summer
Oh, sure, everyone always gets sooooo excited for summer. A smorgasbord of fashionable outdoor festivals, sipping mai-tais on elegant beach-side patios, entirely new ways of getting judged by your body – what’s not to love? Your kids, for one thing. Did it occur to you that your kids are going to be home all day, for […]
This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex
As busy mom and business owner, I often need a pick me up throughout the day. Most of the time, this comes in the form of the pearl-infused matcha latte at the corner shop, but some days, the creamy green goodness just isn’t working. Thankfully, around three months ago, I found a vice that really […]
If You Love Your Daughter, You Will Hire A Menstrual Coach
This article has been sponsored by the Association of Accredited Menstrual Coaches. The road to womanhood can be a terrifying and perilous journey. If you want your daughter to survive menarche with her fragile adolescent mind in tact, you must hire a menstrual coach. What are menstrual coaches? They’re an organization of professionals licensed to […]
Time To Send Your Kids To Summer Camp, But Which Cult Should You Choose?
Summer is the perfect time for your children to engage in holistic learning. However, this can be hard to accomplish at home, especially when you have plans to attend a tropical resort clinic to learn mindful breathing while on a Mai Tai cleanse. So to ensure that your Precious Little Ones get the most out […]
All The Reasons Why I’m Ready For Kids At The Age Of 23
I’m really good with kids because I understand them. Check out any kid and they’re most likely falling over, talking to themselves, or making crazy shit up. They’re basically me, mini-sized. So now that I’m an adult, and have spent 23 years without ‘em, I’m ready to get knocked up and pop out a few […]
My New Year’s Resolution Is To Shove My Son Back Up In There
I gave birth to him, and I can un-give it.
I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache
Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]
Incorporating Deadly Mind Games Into Your Baby’s Gender Reveal Party
An ancient and terrifying power lurks inside you… congratulations, you are about to give birth to a baby! Now you must announce the coming of your child to the world, so that all inhabitants of earth may prepare themselves for your spawn’s unbridled potential. And what better way to do that than a gender reveal […]
How To Make Edible Slime In A Desperate Attempt To Connect With Your Kids
If your kid prefers squishing a disgusting substance between their fingers more than interacting with you, then congratulations, this guide is for you.
I’m Only Taking Parenting Advice From Killer Whales From Now On
Killer whales have dominated the mommy game lately, which is why I’m now only communicating with my children with squeaking and nose bumps.
How To Talk To Your Teens About The Dangers Of James Woods
It might be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary.
The D&D Character Alignments Of The Shitty Kids Who Attended My Son’s 6th Birthday Party
Little Jason is definitely a chaotic neutral.