Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
We all lose our temper sometimes, especially parents. Hey, you’re only human, and to be fair, your kids are absolute assholes. But when you scream at your children, you’re implanting a permanent perception of yourself within their minds—and it’s not a good one. For everybody’s sake, you have to keep it all at bay. That’s why I’m making myself available to scream at the little bastards for you.
Be honest: How many times have you felt like you made the best decision after scolding your kids? Probably zero. But screaming at them for playing soccer in the house after you explicitly told them not to, like, 12 fucking times is too enticing. That’s why I guarantee I can be at your place in 10 minutes or less, before you do anything rash, to deliver a verbal lashing they will not soon forget.
I understand how difficult this is for you. You want them to love you forever and ever. The thought of anyone hurting them is devastating. On the other hand, they keep refusing to eat the dinners you make for them after working all day because it’s “too jiggly.” When that happens, the urge to call them ungrateful wastes of orgasms is overwhelming, because that is exactly what they are. That’s why I’m offering to take the hit on your behalf. For $50, I’ll scream the most disgusting, depraved, and threatening things your mind can conjure directly into your children’s faces.
Here are my qualifications:
1) They don’t know who I am. For all they know, I am a profane phantom who swings into their life, shouting about how they have to clean up these goddamn Legos before the dog shits a literal brick, and then swoops out a minute later, leaving a trail of emotional carnage in its wake.
2) They’ll likely never see me again. Sure, I might run into them years later in the grocery store checkout line or at the gas station. At that moment, they might want to enact vengeance upon me or just get a simple answer as to why I unleashed my apparently unprovoked fury upon them as their parents stood idly by. But they’ll never get the answer because I can run very fast. They will likely never catch up to me. Even if they do, rest assured that my will is ironclad. Your child will never break me.
3) I am willing and ready to scream all of the things you want to scream at them but can’t because it would shatter their perception of you as a compassionate authority figure worthy of their respect. They’re your kids, after all. What do I care?
A few ground rules: If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not comfortable with me telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand. If, in the middle of my freewheeling rhetorical assault, you feel I’ve gone too far, an extra $25 lets you cut in and tell me to fuck off to make yourself look heroic in your kid’s eyes.
If you are so consumed with rage that you can’t form a coherent sentence, don’t worry. For only $20 extra, I have several lists of handy insults for you to wordlessly point at using a finger trembling with anger. Here’s a sample from the “Refuses To Do Their Homework” Package:
“If your idiot ass had studied, you’d know that the Pythagorean theorem is all about the Euclidean geometrical relation between my foot and your colon! The square of your insolence is equal to the sum of my fury!”
That’s only the tip of the iceberg of a larger, more profane verbal attack. Most are lightly scripted, leaving room for improvisation. It’s like freestyle battle rapping, but the opponent is a defenseless child who is too petrified to respond.
So, the next time you think about screaming at your kids, give me a call first. I want to be your vitriolic au pair. Your scream nanny. Your angry wet nurse. No amount of tears or snot bubbles will deter me from laundering your rage.
Schedule an appointment today!