Inessential Oils: Our Guide to Smelling Pretty Weird
Essential oils may have no scientifically demonstrated benefits, but at least they smell good. We can’t say the same thing about our list of inessential oils. We can’t guarantee that they won’t actively harm you, but we can guarantee that they smell pretty weird. Our inessential oils are as malodorous as they are useless, and they’re pretty useless. Strap in your noses, sniffers! We’re about to go on a sensuous nostril-ride!
The dark pool below your oven
We hope you’re culinarily adventurous, because we are sending you into no man’s land: underneath your oven. Have you ever wondered what might be down there? Well, wonder no more, because we’re about to fill that clean, blank space in your head with a lot of very specific images of drippings. The accumulated gunk below your oven is so inessential that we have no idea what exactly it doesn’t do. Just don’t eat it. Seriously. Our legal team made us say that, and honestly, after rubbing some oven-bottom juice (is it a fat or an acid?) on my feet, I have to agree. Wow, I can 100% smell it through my vegan leather boots. Oh, boy.
Biodiesel
In the sense that, in a world with finite oil reserves, biodiesel is one of our only energy options in regions lacking the climate for wind or solar, this oil may be essential, but it’s not exactly the kind of thing we can claim will cure your child’s autism. I mean, I guess we could, but I’m pretty sure encouraging people to drink gasoline violates the Geneva convention. So don’t drink gasoline. Maybe just dip the end of your ponytail in it.
The shiny spot on your hookup’s wall where a headboard should be but he doesn’t have one
If the dude you’re hooking up with has a shiny spot above his bed because he has really greasy hair and can’t be bothered to buy a real headboard, that is super gross, and dipping your fingers into that shine and rubbing your shoulders with it may do absolutely nothing for your shoulder pain. It will, however, make you smell like the dance floor at the club where he keeps dropping off his mix tapes for the real DJ to check out. His loss is your loss!
A VHS tape of Grease
This oil is so inessential it’s not even oil, but regardless of its exact taxonomy, no one can stop you from rubbing a VHS tape of Grease all over your butt. Unless you’re in public. Or with another human being of any kind. But you can definitely do it if you are totally alone, and if you’re reading about rubbing a VHS tape on your butt, you’re probably alone in the most meaningful sense of that word. If you rub gently, nothing will happen, and your butt will smell a little bit like plastic. Cool!
Whale oil face cream
Whale oil may not help your skin, but using it will contribute to the murder of a majestic sea creature. You won’t exactly smell better, and you won’t feel as much like a glittering mermaid as you expect, but you did pay a Norwegian dude $100 to smuggle some into the country, so at least you helped one white man today! What could be less essential?
Pizza oil
Do you blot the grease off your pizza with a napkin? If so, stop! Throwing away pizza grease is like throwing away gold, in that eating gold would also solve none of your problems. Instead, use your dabbing napkin as a sheet mask.
The simple truth is that most people don’t understand inessential oils. And that’s okay. At Bunny Ears, we love to share our knowledge with idiot plebes. To the uninformed observer, rubbing your face and hands with pizza grease may seem weird, but it can actually help make your hands and face smell kind of like pizza. Wow!
Images: Pexels, Pexels, Pexels
Great article, Ella. I’ve been harvesting ethical, artisanal, free range pizza oil for years and until now I have been met with jeers and stares.
What many folks don’t realize is that pizza really is nature’s purest lubricant and should be used in place of coconut oil wherever possible – hair, skin, and especially the butthole.
What I’m saying is I farm and milk pizzas and Big Lube isn’t going to stop me until they pry my pizza from my cold dead butthole.