Guys. Stop everything. There’s blood on the floor. I’m pretty sure this is blood. The Bunny Ears LA office has blood in it right now. Everybody stop meditating and ear candling! Look at this! Somebody claim your blood! Stop typing what I’m saying, Shawn, stop typing and explain this blood.
Maybe this is prop blood. WHOSE PROP BLOOD IS THIS? I gotta see if this is just prop blood. It’s about as thick as regular blood… What does real blood smell like? Hey guys, does anybody know what blood smells like? How do you all know what blood smells like? Where the hell am I working?
I’m just gonna lean in to sniff aaand… oh god, I tasted it. It’s definitely not prop blood. Wait, does that mean this is… wound blood? Who is injured? I can’t believe I tasted blood from a mystery wound. Does anybody believe in medicine or science in this office? No? Fuck. I’m totally getting diseases from this blood.
Was there a murder here? Are you all covering up a murder? I need an explanation for this blood! Leave your standing desks! Leave your treadmill desks! Get off your human hamster wheels and tell me where this blood came from! Shawn, stop typing (yes, I know transcription is part of your job, but as your direct supervisor I am asking). Stop typing this is a medical emergency exclamation point oh well at least there will be a record of this I guess question mark.
Does anybody know what this office used to be? What the hell is a ‘holistic dungeon’? Shawn, stop typing this and give me 500 words about the cleansing power of holistic dungeons. Oh god, the blood is in a trail. I’m gonna follow the blood trail. When I agreed to be an assistant editor at a lifestyle blog I didn’t think the job would involve blood trails. Oh Jesus, the blood is going into the forbidden room. Does anybody have any torches left? Fine, sage, whatever, I’ll take it. Shawn, follow me into the forbidden room.
It’s really musty in here, Shawn. Clear out all that Party Monster memorabilia so I can follow this blood trail. Mind the glitter! MIND THE GLITTER! Great, now I’ve ingested blood AND glitter….is that a cave? Why do we have a cave in our office? Shawn, follow me into the cave.
Shawn, do you see those demons marching in a circle? At the end of the cave. See? No? Well that’s definitely where the blood is coming from. Wait, are those bloody-soaked demons… MOM??? DAD??? I thought you were dead. No, I don’t want to join you! I’m not ready! I’m not ready!!! SHAWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TYPING!
Images: Pixabay, Flickr/Giang Dong Du