Tips For Making Your Home Feel Less Like A Place Where People Get Murdered

May 1, 2018 by , featured in Lifestyle
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Inviting a new person into your home can be stressful, especially if you’re planning to murder that person. It’s crucial for your home to say to the world, “Come in, get comfy, expose your jugular, maybe take a nap.”  It can be difficult to make your home feel less like a place where people get murdered. There’s a lot of boring maintenance involved, but in the end the reward of seeing people’s joyous expression right before you pull out your machete is totally worth it. Just follow these simple tips and tricks to make your home a more inviting space for your future victims.

Calming Smells Are Key.

The entrance sets the tone for your home. You know how people get all jumpy when they walk into your foyer and it’s covered in the blood of your last victim? Try spritzing it with lavender to make it more inviting. The scent of lavender has been found to have a calming effect on people who fear for their lives.

Organization is so so important.

Don’t just leave your instruments of torture lying around on the kitchen table. Display them in a nice antique curio cabinet. You can pick one up at almost any coastal antique store the next time you’re out hunting for lonely widows to lure into your impeccably decorated home.

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Use natural light.

To highlight something other than your collection of suspiciously human-sized cages. This might be more correctly called a use of natural shadows. Make sure the light falls on things people like to see in a home, like chairs, and pictures of your family before all of the mysterious disappearances started. Less enticing items like your murder puppet and hockey mask collection should be safely tucked away in the cold dark corners of your home where the eye is less likely to be drawn to them.

Sound machines are great.

A soothing sound machine can help cover the noise of a chainsaw powering up, or the annoying clanking sound of anyone who might be chained to your radiator. Speaking of your radiator, what color is it?

Color is king!

Of course someone is going to freak out if they see a rusty metal radiator with a chain wrapped around it, but what if that radiator was painted a nice taupe with an eggshell finish? No one can be afraid of taupe. Then just upgrade your radiator chain with a little glittery gold paint, and you’ve completely transformed the room. One weekend of DIY crafting can really make all the difference to your murder den.

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Keep your furniture up to date.

Has your mother’s mummified corpse been sitting in the same antique rocking chair for over a decade? Try putting her in something more up to date. Go comfy by curling her up in a nice Papasan, or fun and funky with an inflatable chair. I know it sounds crazy but this small update can make people a whole lot more comfortable.

Make one room a murder-free zone.

Murdering people can be stressful and sometimes you need a space just for you. They say if you love your job you never work a day in your life, but all work and no play will make anyone a dull boy. Murdering people is the kind of job that can easily consume your life without you even noticing. Sure, it would be great if it were just about murder but you also have to hunt victims, dispose of bodies, and taunt the police, on top of maintaining a healthy active lifestyle. Make sure one room of your house is just for you to relax and self-care.


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2 Comments

  1. Great tips!. I’m always constantly trying to figure out the best ways to redecorate my home so I can stay one step ahead of my unsuspecting victims, and ensure their maximum comfortability right up until I give them the ultimate gift of my machete to the back of their skulls. 😊

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