’90s School Lunches That Mean Your Mom Didn’t Care
Ah, the ’90s. The era of Snapple ladies and Hungry Mans. The latchkey decade was truly the apex of food innovation, and if you were a kid in this glorious time, you sure knew your way around a Yoo-hoo (if you know what we mean). Now, let’s take a trip down memory lane and figure out if your mom actually gave a shit based on your ’90s school lunches!
The gold standard of school lunches in the ’90s was the perfectly named Lunchable. It’s not quite lunch, it’s lunch … able? While you may have fond memories of being the coolest kid brown bagging it, an adult’s eye will quickly reveal to you that this beloved ’90s classic was less nutritious and filling than packing peanuts. It was crackers and cheese and a piece of a salami, and your mother gave it to you as your only rations for eight hours of school.
Mom Rating: She didn’t hate you, but she definitely loved the cat more.
Ants On A Log
Mommies who wanted their little kids to grow up to be sociopaths relied on this “fun” lunch. Nobody wanted to eat trapped insects, but budding criminal moms across the country were certain we did! The real question is, what crime could a child commit to cause mom to substitute their bread for celery? What could you have done that convinced her you weren’t even worthy of a regular sandwich?
Mom Rating: Would absolutely shave your head and claim you had cancer to get an airline upgrade.
A Frozen Kid Cuisine
Technically, if you had had a tiny, lunchbox-size microwave, this would’ve been an excellent lunch, but Mom always seemed to forget that part. Still, you carted it to school and gnawed on frozen peas and carrots until the bell rang like a little trooper. It was still pretty unfair for her to yell the time you heated the chicken tenders with the bright spring sunlight and ended up in the ER with “extreme E. coli.”
Mom Rating: “I don’t have a kid when All My Children is on.”
“My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R!” Gosh, weren’t ’90s jingles great? Unfortunately, they were not very informative, which is why you presumed your mom would send you to school with a hunk of bologna wrapped in waxed paper and nothing else. You were getting necessary protein, we’ll give her that, but the build-up of meat chemicals in your system means you now possess hickory-cured intestines, and you should get that looked at.
Mom Rating: Your mom had a second name, it’s I-D-G-A-F!