Fall Trend Alert: Pumpkin-Spice Your Butthole

September 30, 2019 by , featured in Butt Stuff, Fashion
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At long last, autumn has arrived—and with it comes falling leaves, sweater weather, and pumpkin-spiced everything. If you’re as absolutely obsessed with all-things fall as we are—and are also majorly into self-care—why don’t you take things up a notch this year and pumpkin-spice your butthole?

What? Why?

If fall is our religion, buttholes are our altar. We do all sorts of unnecessary things to them just to prove how sex-positive we are, so why wouldn’t we adorn them with the trappings of our most sacred of seasons? “Several reasons,” you say? Well, there are a lot of practical benefits to pumpkin-spicing your butthole in addition to the spiritual ones. For one thing, it’ll taste a lot better when your partner eats the booty like groceries. The cinnamon, cloves, and other spices probably also have some health benefits. We don’t know, but we’re comfortable making some up if you really need that.

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Ugh. Fine. How?

The most important step of pumpkin-spicing your butthole is to make sure the skin is healthy, intact, and free of any irritation or abrasions. You do not want to get cinnamon inside an open asshole wound, so if you had any mishaps when you tie-dyed your butthole last summer, you’ll wanna make sure that’s cleared up ASAP. There’s, like, a 50-50 chance your dermatologist has seen worse.

Once you’ve got a nice, smooth butthole, just shove some pumpkin spice up there. Really work it in. The deeper you go, the more pumpkin-spiced it will be. That’s all there is to it! Unlike the tie-dye, however, the effects of this topical application will only last a few days at most. The rich, aromatic spices will inevitably be worn away by the aforementioned ass-eating, cleansing, or God forbid, defecation, if you still do that for some reason.

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This means you’ll have to repeat this process several times a week to maintain a properly pumpkin-spiced butthole throughout the season. Just be sure you thoroughly wash your hands after each application. Nutmeg really aggravates pink eye.

Good luck, and send pics of the results!

Image: Pexels, Pexels


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