My Superfood Diet Has Made Me Immeasurably Powerful, And I’m Not Ready For The Responsibility
It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first. As […]
Summer Staples We Don’t Recommend You Stick Up Your Butt (This Time)
We’re saying ‘yes’ to summer and ‘no more’ to your lawsuits!
Mmm Look at This Pie I Baked That None of My Thin Children Are Allowed to Eat
After spending an entire weekend indoors baking and decorating like a madwoman, my Pinterest foodie page is off the frickin’ charts right now. Look at this pie. Look at it. When it comes to pretty food, I am Michelangelo. But just as you do not touch the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, none of my […]
I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache
Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]
Even We’re Not Dumb Enough To Put Ginger Up Our Butts
We’ve got the ‘sticking stuff up your butt’ beat covered, thanks.
It’s Me, The Guy At This Party Who Will Definitely Try To Crack Your Back!
I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.
The Hottest New Look Is Bleaching Then Tie-Dying Your Butthole
Bleaching your butthole is out. Bleaching then TIE-DYING your butthole is very in.
Let Us Prepare For The Arrival Of Father Depression!
The days are getting colder, and that means Father Depression is on his way.
Become More Cultured By Covering Your Genitals In Yogurt
It’s not JUST a pun (though that’s admittedly a big part of this).
Fall Is Wonderful Unless You’re An Apple-Hands-Man Like Me
“Fall is but a living nightmare for an apple-hands-man.”
Smoking Oregano Is Good For You, I Swear I Did This On Purpose
All the health benefits from this plant I definitely didn’t buy by mistake.
Attention Men: It’s Okay To Talk About Penis Molting
I’m definitely probably not alone in this, right?
Boost Your Immune System With Ball Pit Immersion Therapy
Build up you defenses in the most disgusting place on earth!
I Farted Really Loudly Just Now, Um, Because It’s a New Health Thing?
You have to fart otherwise you’ll get sick. Just go with me on this.
Questions You’re Too Afraid To Ask Your Doctor About How Robots Have Sex
The most important questions you should definitely ask your doctor about robot sex, no matter how awkward you or they feel.
Don’t Just Minimize Your Pores, Psychologically Destroy Them
Humiliate them until they dissolve in shame and fear.