Tag Archives: health

His blood is magic.

And yours can, too!

Try these handy tricks to both terrify and confuse them into submission.

Finally!

It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first. As […]

We’re saying ‘yes’ to summer and ‘no more’ to your lawsuits!

And that’s the only reason.

After spending an entire weekend indoors baking and decorating like a madwoman, my Pinterest foodie page is off the frickin’ charts right now. Look at this pie. Look at it. When it comes to pretty food, I am Michelangelo. But just as you do not touch the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, none of my […]

Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]

We checked.

Stop treating your A-hole like your B-hole.

Have you met Bacillus Subtilis?

You’ll never feel so alive.

We’ve got the ‘sticking stuff up your butt’ beat covered, thanks.

I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.

Bleaching your butthole is out. Bleaching then TIE-DYING your butthole is very in.

Because “cruelty-free” just isn’t enough.

You’ll be joyless, but beautiful!

Some of these really don’t look right.

The days are getting colder, and that means Father Depression is on his way.

It’s also incredibly painful.

FYI!

It’s not JUST a pun (though that’s admittedly a big part of this).

“Fall is but a living nightmare for an apple-hands-man.”

I thought you were eating clean?

Do you want to win the coveted Golden Wrist or not?

Yum!

‘Jennifer sometimes goes days without food!”

All the health benefits from this plant I definitely didn’t buy by mistake.

Your body deserves the best.

Like, VERY hungry.

You don’t stay this decrepit by doing nothing.

I’m definitely probably not alone in this, right?

It’s science!

It hurts so good!

And it can work for you, too!

Build up you defenses in the most disgusting place on earth!

We’re tired of the slander.

“We’re all in this together, so stop squirming.”

You have to fart otherwise you’ll get sick. Just go with me on this.

The most important questions you should definitely ask your doctor about robot sex, no matter how awkward you or they feel.

This isn’t easy.

What? Oh no.

What goes where?!

A Bunny Ears original poem.