I Started Foam Rolling And Now I’m Tumbling Down A Hill At 50mph
Foam rolling is a great way to elongate your spine and eliminate back pain. Keeping a foam roller in your house will ensure that your back is straight and your feet are tripped every time you try to walk through the living room. I purchased a foam roller, and it came with a brochure titled […]
I Tried Isolation Floating and Became the Baby from “2001: A Space Odyssey,” So Please Don’t Look at My Little Space Dick
I never thought I’d be saying this, but here I am: I floated in a sensory deprivation tank and turned into the baby from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I feel like I might be one with the universe but mostly I’m pretty stressed about being naked and worried everyone is going to see my space […]
DIY: Your Own Emergency Replacement Organs!
There are few more frightening, serious, and expensive predicaments in life than suddenly needing an organ replacement. Not only do you get to feel like garbage for the months or even years you’re on a waiting list for a new one, but you get the pleasure of a $150,000 hospital bill upon transplant. There’s got to […]
Charged Crystal Pipes For Clearing Your Mind With That 420 Dank Chronic
Healing crystals are the perfect synthesis of science and metaphysics. It’s only natural to want to add that to your extant self-care routine of getting blitzed on giggle greens all day. Fortunately for you, crystal pipes fuse the natural vibrational energy of quartz with the swift rush of that dank herb. Choosing Your Crystal Pipe […]
Forget Sunscreen, Moisturizer and Wound Dressing—Try Mack’s Grease!
Forget moisturizer, anti aging cream, acne products, facial cleanser, medical hazard eye wash, propranolol, peanut butter so your dog will take her pills, lip balm, wound balm, elbow balm, elephant balm—forget all the balms! Forget cyst rub, antifungal cream, antibacterial cream, engine lube and Abreva. In fact, forget going to doctors, dentists, and car mechanics […]
Stop Giving Me Hydration Tips, I Have Rabies
I know you all mean well. I’m touched, really, by your concern for my well-being and selfless dedication to providing helpful advice. To many of you, it may seem to be very good advice, maybe even of dire importance. My skin is yellow and taut but also swollen around my joints. I haven’t secreted a […]
Re-Healthify Your Penis By Cramming It In These Kitchen Gadgets
Hey, you, with the penis. Be honest. Does your penis not work so good anymore? It happens. Stress, medical problems, overuse, and aging take their toll and weaken your love tackle, but there are measures you can take to revive the ol’ pants meat. I’m not talking about pumps or pills—that’s Big Pharma hooey. You […]
You’ve Heard of Vaginal Steaming, Now Try Blowing Smoke up Your Own Ass
As a wellness writer at Bunny Ears, I love to get my vagina steamed by going outside naked, pointing my yon-yon at the upper atmosphere, and waiting for climate change to take its course. If that doesn’t make me the hostess with the moistest, I get my face as close as possible to my sacred […]
I Tried The Blood Type Diet And Oh Boy Is Finding Blood To Drink Harder Than It Sounds
Look, I’ve tried just about every diet under the sun and I can tell you, most of them are false promises and retained water weight. All those carb-based diets leave you feeling sluggish. Atkins? Maybe if you want gout. Vegan? I’m not a rabbit, thanks. I had started to give up. I thought I would […]
How to Balance Your Vaginal pH So A Colony of Bees Can Flourish There
The world is in bad shape. Politics are a virtual minefield. The weather is devastatingly out of control. And hey, did you know the honeybees are still dying? Still, guys. Look, I know what you’re thinking. “I’m allergic to bees, bees killed Macaulay Culkin, and peanut butter is better than honey anyway.” Fair. I’m impressed […]
Pressed Juices To Spit-Take When Your Doctor Says You Have The Clap
If you’re anything like me, once a year you, your vagina, and your freshly bleached asshole find yourselves spread-eagle at the OBGYN for a good old pap smear. I dunno, just something quirky I do to keep things interesting! And if you’re anything more like me, that means once a year you have to put […]
Podcast Episode 27 – Vim & Vigor (Annotated)
Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! How’s your health? The Lowdown: Since BunnyEars.com is all about health and well-being, it’s about time we had a podcast on the topic, and it kicks off as Matt and Mack drink a shot and toast each […]
Forget the Toblerone Tunnel, Try The Cake Pop Pussy And These Other Food-Related Body Trends
We’ve come a long way as a society as far as accepting that bodily perfection, ideally in terms of delicious food items you won’t be allowed to eat, is a requirement for personhood. In 2013, we first admitted that if you don’t have a thigh gap, you’re a garbage human. More recently, it was the […]
Follow Up To Our Summer Boots Article: The Best Foot Fungus Treatments
First of all, we here at Bunny Ears would like to say we are SO SORRY for our article about chic summer boots. The men in our office keep the thermostat at a reasonable 40 degrees, so we were unaware of the harm our article about sexy summer boots seems to have caused. Also, we […]
The Bunny Ears Guide to Living Out of Your Luxury Car
I’ve been to the bottom, man. Last night was the fourth straight evening I spent catching z’s in my vehicle. Granted, it’s happened to the best of us, especially us common folk who refuse handouts and breadcrumbs from the 1%. But it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’ve […]
Stretch & Stress: How To Bite Your Toenails With Ease
Anxious about yoga? Me too. Luckily, I figured out a way to combine my best habit with my worst one! Here are some toenail biting stretches you need in your life: The Tentative Dreamer: The Nasty Gazelle: The Aspirational Mouth: Love’s Tender Kiss:
Snackchat: Eat Healthier By Talking Food Into Being Less Fatty
Unhealthy food understands it’s our prey, so it releases toxic sugars and fats into our bodies as a self-defense mechanism when we eat. But it doesn’t have to be this way. For so long, diets have unfairly disparaged unhealthy food without taking a second to consider whether our cakes and fries would harm us if […]
Get Fit By Being Constantly On the Run From Your Future Self
For some people, health scares, tragedies, or life-changing experiences are the last straw before we take the initiative to better our personal health. However, the rest of us all know that the key to living healthier than ever is paved with the fear of assassination from your evil future self. Whether they’re trying to take […]
This Isn’t A Sponsored Article Touting The Benefits of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream
I used to be so disappointed when I saw myself in the mirror first thing in the morning. Did time, stress, sleeplessness, parenthood, and all of those speedballs I did in my twenties conspire to ruin the beauty that got me invited to all those secret ritualistic orgies? Yes. Yes, they had. But that all changed […]
The Ultimate Green Diet: Eat Your Waste For A Slimmer Waist!
As the resident environmentalist at Bunny Ears, it should be no surprise to anyone that I’m absolutely disgusted by everyone and everything. From the wasteful scourge that loves to punish Mother Earth with their repugnant, neverending consumption to the phonies who think that recycling plastics and buying hybrids make them eco-friendly, I’ve been on my […]
The Psychic Life-Hack That’ll Change How You Go To The Dentist
It may sound far-fetched and perhaps even insane, but psychic dentistry is the one true way to tame your mouth aura.
Let Me Impart Some Wisdom On You: This Diet Rules
Do you have a hard time stopping yourself from endless late night binges? Do you find that even hearing the word “exercise” evokes an involuntary gag reflex? And are you looking to lose weight? Here’s a diet I bet you haven’t tried yet: the wisdom teeth removal diet! Now, if you’ve already had yours removed, […]
What To Do With All That Clay You’ve Failed to Digest
By now, you’ve probably heard about Shailene Woodley’s advice to eat clay to rid your body of heavy metals and negative isotopes. No one knows what those are, but if you want to be pretty and rich like Shailene, you better have started adding a heaping side of earthenware to every meal. But Shailene never […]
This Is Face Yoga…I Swear
Hi Bunny Ears readers. As you know we like to have fun here from time to time but right now we need to get real serious. You might know me as a hilarious and probably your favorite comedy writer, but I also have a higher purpose in life. I’m a face yoga instructor. What is […]
5 Face Masks To Cleanse The Sins of Your Past Lives
Skincare is all the rage and has been for centuries. Most of us apply a myriad of products to our face on a daily basis to maintain a soft, youthful glow. However, if you’ve found yourself stuck with skin that doesn’t want to change no matter what serum, cream, or emulsion you try, it’s possible […]
5 Kegel Exercises So Loud Even Your Family Will Know You’re Doing Them
Do you want a tight vag or not?!
Detox From Your Las Vegas Weekend With These Home Remedies
Sometimes what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. (We’re looking at your tummy, Susan!)
Beauty with Bite: An Exclusive Interview with Lifestyle Icon and Lord of Darkness, Count Dracula
One year ago, if you would have told me that I’d be sitting on a chair crafted from the bones of seemingly dozens of human bodies, I probably would have thought you were crazy. Yet here I am, sitting mere feet away from one of the most singularly terrifying figures in the landscape of alternative […]
I Inject My Kids With Kindness – NOT VACCINES
In 2016, after my eighth round of IVF, I was finally blessed with my stunning designer triplets, Hayden, Kayden, and Dave. After becoming a mom, I started doing some hard soul-searching. What type of parent did I want to be? I was interested in combining parenting with the holistic, natural, and spiritual philosophies by which […]
Improve Your Child’s Immunity By Coughing In Her Face
Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.
Be The Most Fascinating Person at The Party By Drinking Mulled Urine
Hear me out, I don’t like the taste of piss. But I do like how it makes me appear interesting.
Confuse And Terrify Your Children Into Eating Healthy
Try these handy tricks to both terrify and confuse them into submission.
My Superfood Diet Has Made Me Immeasurably Powerful, And I’m Not Ready For The Responsibility
It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first. As […]
Summer Staples We Don’t Recommend You Stick Up Your Butt (This Time)
We’re saying ‘yes’ to summer and ‘no more’ to your lawsuits!
Mmm Look at This Pie I Baked That None of My Thin Children Are Allowed to Eat
After spending an entire weekend indoors baking and decorating like a madwoman, my Pinterest foodie page is off the frickin’ charts right now. Look at this pie. Look at it. When it comes to pretty food, I am Michelangelo. But just as you do not touch the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, none of my […]
I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache
Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]