Tag Archives: health

Dick-Slimming Condoms To Hide Your Dick Fat

Finally!

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My Superfood Diet Has Made Me Immeasurably Powerful, And I’m Not Ready For The Responsibility

It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first. As […]

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Summer Staples We Don’t Recommend You Stick Up Your Butt (This Time)

We’re saying ‘yes’ to summer and ‘no more’ to your lawsuits!

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I Refuse To Wear A Condom Until They Start Making Them Biodegradable

And that’s the only reason.

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Mmm Look at This Pie I Baked That None of My Thin Children Are Allowed to Eat

After spending an entire weekend indoors baking and decorating like a madwoman, my Pinterest foodie page is off the frickin’ charts right now. Look at this pie. Look at it. When it comes to pretty food, I am Michelangelo. But just as you do not touch the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, none of my […]

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I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache

Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]

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You Legally Can’t Stop Us From Saying These Recipes Are Brownies

We checked.

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Your Butthole Is A Flower That Needs To Be Tended

Stop treating your A-hole like your B-hole.

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A (Very) Formal Introduction To Your Gut Flora

Have you met Bacillus Subtilis?

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The New Yoga: Jogging Until You Find A Corpse

You’ll never feel so alive.

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Even We’re Not Dumb Enough To Put Ginger Up Our Butts

We’ve got the ‘sticking stuff up your butt’ beat covered, thanks.

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It’s Me, The Guy At This Party Who Will Definitely Try To Crack Your Back!

I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.

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The Hottest New Look Is Bleaching Then Tie-Dying Your Butthole

Bleaching your butthole is out. Bleaching then TIE-DYING your butthole is very in.

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I Only Eat Eggs If The Chicken Came

Because “cruelty-free” just isn’t enough.

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Avoid Laugh Lines And Wrinkles By Taking Everything Too Seriously

You’ll be joyless, but beautiful!

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Your Most Worrying Moles: Ranked!

Some of these really don’t look right.

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Let Us Prepare For The Arrival Of Father Depression!

The days are getting colder, and that means Father Depression is on his way.

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Distance Acupuncture Combines Healing With The Fun Of Lawn Darts

It’s also incredibly painful.

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Champagne Bidets And Other Luxury Items That Cause Rectal Infections

FYI!

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Become More Cultured By Covering Your Genitals In Yogurt

It’s not JUST a pun (though that’s admittedly a big part of this).

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Fall Is Wonderful Unless You’re An Apple-Hands-Man Like Me

“Fall is but a living nightmare for an apple-hands-man.”

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Ew. You Still Poop?

I thought you were eating clean?

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How To Get In Shape For Arm-Wrestling Season

Do you want to win the coveted Golden Wrist or not?

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Trend Alert: Pumpkin-Spice Your Butthole

Yum!

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Intermittent Fasting Tips From Your Unpaid Intern

‘Jennifer sometimes goes days without food!”

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Smoking Oregano Is Good For You, I Swear I Did This On Purpose

All the health benefits from this plant I definitely didn’t buy by mistake.

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Natural Deodorants You Can Technically Eat If It Ever Came Down To That

Your body deserves the best.

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Treat Erectile Dysfunction By Dangling “It” Over A Pool Of Hungry Piranhas

Like, VERY hungry.

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Wilford Brimley Shares His Secret To Staying So Old

You don’t stay this decrepit by doing nothing.

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Attention Men: It’s Okay To Talk About Penis Molting

I’m definitely probably not alone in this, right?

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Build Your Immune System By Not Washing Your Hands After You Poop

It’s science!

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C’mon, Everyone! We’re Doing Massive Rails Of Turmeric!

It hurts so good!

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A Good Night’s Sleep Made Me A Much More Efficient Asshole

And it can work for you, too!

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Boost Your Immune System With Ball Pit Immersion Therapy

Build up you defenses in the most disgusting place on earth!

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FACT CHECK: We’ve Only Killed Dozens Of People, Not Hundreds

We’re tired of the slander.

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Is It Ethical To Put Sunscreen On Total Strangers?

“We’re all in this together, so stop squirming.”

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I Farted Really Loudly Just Now, Um, Because It’s a New Health Thing?

You have to fart otherwise you’ll get sick. Just go with me on this.

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Questions You’re Too Afraid To Ask Your Doctor About How Robots Have Sex

The most important questions you should definitely ask your doctor about robot sex, no matter how awkward you or they feel.

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I’m Trying Really Hard To Not Turn Your Vitamin D Deficiency Into A Dick Joke

This isn’t easy.

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What’s In Mack’s Medicine Cabinet? Oh, It’s A Bunch Of Dead Parrots

What? Oh no.

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Improve Your Sex Life By Finally Figuring Out How Sex Works

What goes where?!

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Jade Eggs And Glam: An Original Poem

A Bunny Ears original poem.

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Don’t Just Minimize Your Pores, Psychologically Destroy Them

Humiliate them until they dissolve in shame and fear.

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You’re Using Dry Shampoo All Wrong—Stop Drinking It

What is wrong with you?

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Does Your Hair Hurt? Not Your Scalp, But Your Hair? What Did I Do?

Oh God. Is this normal?

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Fetish Of The Month: JTT In A Lion Costume

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