What’s Your Fursona Based On Your Star Sign?
So, after much soul searching, you’ve decided to come out as a furry. First of all, congrats. Maybe you’ve decided to do so to thwart government surveillance or express a newfound spiritual connection. Maybe you just like the porn, which is a secret between you and the horrified federal agent assigned to investigate your browser history. We assume you have taken into consideration all the ethical concerns, but what about those of you who still haven’t decided what animal you want to be?
Thankfully there’s no reason to stress this decision! We’ve developed this handy guide to finding your fursona through the science of astrology. Let the stars be your guide!
Aries: You are some sort of spotted wildcat. Basically, any animal whose fur pattern you see on a tattered punk rock jacket. Cheetah, leopard, jaguar, lynx—you get the idea. Your fursona’s personality should reflect a distinctive sense of independence and impulsiveness. However, use discretion as to what other convention-goers you choose to let see your elaborately crafted, spotted, fuzzy genitals.
Taurus: You’re something with horns. Bonus points if you add horns to an animal that doesn’t have horns in nature! Considering that there are so many variations of horns out there, from sheep to goat to wildebeest, you have plenty to choose from. Keep in mind that nearly all of them will be heavy and occupy your blind spot, ensuring they will collide with other furries in surprising and painful ways. Consequentially, you’ll definitely be remembered around the convention circuit!
Gemini: You’re a fox. A sexy, sexy fox. Foxes are such a common (and famous!) fursona that you may feel they are a bit played out, but don’t let that stop you from finding your own way to express yourself. A good start would be distancing yourself from the more well-known foxes, no matter how tempting. Disney’s Robin Hood, Star Fox, Fox Mulder, Redd Foxx: all off the table.
Cancer: You’re not a furry; you’re a scalie! Your animal self is of the reptilian or amphibian variety. If you remember having funny puberty feelings watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and realized it wasn’t because of April O’Neil, this is why.
Leo: You’re a lion. Duh.
Virgo: You’re a monkey or other non-human primate. Donkey Kong it up! This fursona is good for those who want to act a fool without consequence. For instance, you could roll around on the floor or throw things around. You’ll be surprised what you can get away with before they call security.
Libra: You’re a wolf or wild dog. A-wooo! Wolves and wild dogs are the most popular type of fursona, but unlike foxes, they offer near infinite variety. First of all, pointy ears or floppy ears? After that, long fur or short? And then you can choose a pug snout or a graceful collie snout, and we’re barely getting started! Friendly and playful, you are bound to be a popular one.
Scorpio: You are a bunny. You can be a wascally wabbit or a clever cottontail. Alternately, you could ham it up as a hare. In addition, you could sex it up or lean into your spiritual Trix-ter side. This is a multifaceted fursona with plenty of folklore and contemporary inspirations. Also, a lot of porn. Like, a lot.
Sagittarius: You are a horse, pony, or donkey. Maybe even a zebra. Go buck wild, but you better get to practicing wearing stilts with hooves. After all, you don’t want to wind up like Torgo from Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
Capricorn: You are a pig, or maybe a goat. Some sort of farm animal. There’s a lot of great ways you can take on this fursona. For instance, you could Orwell it up with a top hat and monocle. Likewise, you could throw on a cloak to give off an Eyes Wide Shut vibe. Keep in mind that you may receive some uncouth jokes about your appetite, but you can shut that down quickly by reciting statistics on how fast your fursona can consume a human body with a menacing gleam in your eye.
Aquarius: You are a seal. For all practical purposes, you are a wet puppy that claps a lot and eats fish. In short, it’s a pretty sweet gig.
Pisces: You’re some sort of fish. Most importantly, don’t get eaten by a seal. Other than that, you are on your own.