My New Dog Is Adorable, Fits in My Purse, and Commands Me to Kill
You won’t believe who my new dog will want to see cleansed in Holy Blood. Celebrities? Politicians? You? Also I bought her the most adorable new dress.
I Support Wildlife Preservation So I Can Eat The Last Of Every Animal
Yes, even the cute ones. Especially the cute ones. Mmmmm delicious wildlife preservation.
Live The Life You Deserve Through Financial Fraud
Fake it until you make it! And by “it” I mean “identity theft”
My Neighbors Are Oppressing Me Over My Giant Inflatable Yanni
What possible reason could they have to object to this beautiful forty foot silk effigy of a naked hairy Greek New Age musician?
What’s Your Fursona Based On Your Star Sign?
Just don’t call it your spirit animal, okay? That’s problematic.
Is It Gay If My Husband Swallows A Gingerbread Man?
If my husband so much as touches a Christmas cookie again I’m leaving!
Finding Myself: Why I Joined A Gang Of Sewer-Dwelling Martial Artists
It started when I saw three mysterious figures dancing around a barrel fire in the sewer.
Serial Killers And More: Weird Stuff To Memorize For Boat Christenings
“Did you know that Austin, Texas had a serial killer that pre-dates Jack The Ripper?”
We Tried To Find Inspirational Love Stories But Found Love Is A Lie
Really thought Europe would teach us how to love again.
Goop Said “Use Blue Cocoon!” But The One In This Cave Tried To Eat Me
It was a fairly unremarkable day as a writer for Bunny Ears. I woke up around 3PM, hungover, logged into the work Slack and realized we had kidnapped one of the therapists for Goop. My position requires me to remotely contact the main office, as is typical in the current freelance gig economy. I was […]
Forget Those Beginner Witch Kits, We’ll Send You Actual Blood And Skulls
Step up to Flavor Town, witches. We have a beginner witch kit that will totally Fairuza your Balk and put you on the path to casting wicked spells.
These Are The Beauty Essentials We Chose When Literally Forced At Gunpoint
“Look out! Macaulay Culkin has a gun!”
The Boxed Wine And Whatever Is In The Fridge Crash Diet
Hello again, readers! We here at Bunny Ears love trying out new diets and telling you about the results. Juice cleanses, the five-bite system, raw foods—we’re here for them all. And as much as I’d love to review a new trendy diet for you today, I hit a bit of a snafu up front: The only thing […]
I Tried Nu Metal Primal Scream Therapy And Now I Baw Wit A Newfound Sense Of Oh Wah Ah Ah Ah
I’m not typically so skeptical on first introductions. I’ve tried a lot of non-traditional therapies. I had to admit, however, that the atmosphere of this waiting room was … unusual. The receptionist was covered in silver body paint and wearing what looked like paintball safety gear. An entire wall of the room was devoted to […]
Reduce Stress By Giving Up On Real Life And Living In A Lucid Dream
Life is…not great. You’ve been at your job for nearly three years and there’s zero chance of a promotion. The guy you’ve been seeing for months refuses to call himself your boyfriend. Your favorite clothes are falling apart or—almost worse—don’t even fit any more. You go to the doctor, and he basically tells you to […]
Fall Fashion Tips To Thwart The Massive Government Surveillance Conspiracy Against You
These days, it seems like everyone is on one watch list or another, even if—unlike the Bunny Ears office—your parking lot isn’t filled with shotgun shells and wrecks of the remote-control drones we were shooting at while extremely intoxicated at 4:00 AM because we thought THIS WAS AMERICA. LAND OF FREEDOM. As you might imagine, we […]
Forget Dieting: Get Cursed By An Angry Witch — Like From Thinner!
Trust me, we at Bunny Ears hear you when you talk about weight-loss frustration. For legal reasons, we can’t disclose how we hear you or whether or not we have access to your webcam, but that is beside the point. What if we told you that you could forget dieting… forever? It’s true! We’ve put […]
Stop Giving Me Hydration Tips, I Have Rabies
I know you all mean well. I’m touched, really, by your concern for my well-being and selfless dedication to providing helpful advice. To many of you, it may seem to be very good advice, maybe even of dire importance. My skin is yellow and taut but also swollen around my joints. I haven’t secreted a […]
Improve Your Feng Shui Exclusively Through Heavy Metal Posters
So y’all won’t believe what I found in a free bin in front of Green Noise Records here in Portland. Long before Bunny Ears was a website, it was a grungy hand-printed zine. The vibe was similar, but the times were different. It was less about detoxing heavy metals and more about embracing heavy metal. […]
Help! My Timed Meditation App Just Keeps Foretelling My Death!
I’ve been wanting to incorporate healthier, more productive habits into my life for ages, but somehow, I just couldn’t take the leap. Take meditation. Who has time for it? How do you know when to stop? How do you keep heavily distorted ’80s sitcom themes with the lyrics replaced by a demon chorus singing blasphemous […]
This Healthful Salad Technically Summons The Devil Of The Pit
I don’t know about you, but I really appreciate a diet that has a rich cultural and historical legacy. The kind of diets pioneered by The Bible, cavemen, or bisexual 19th century poets. I’m crazy about them all. So imagine my excitement when I acquired a diet book from an extinct culture. The curator of the […]
9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree My Life Choices Are Killing Me, So Now I Go To The Tenth
Hello my lovely readers! Considering you are here on our lifestyle blog, I assume you also have a healthy skepticism regarding the machinations of Big Pharma and how it affects the sort of healthcare we have access to. Case in point: I’ve found myself not feeling quite as energetic as my homeopathic advisor and dietician […]
Someone Stole My Identity And They’re Living My Best Life
This story starts out familiar enough, with a declined credit card purchase attempt. This sort of thing happens more often than I would prefer, but this time, I was completely sure I had the money I needed in the account. The money was just deposited the day before. After some digging, it became clear that […]
Ramen Garnishes That Say “Adventurous but Late with Rent”
Ah, ramen, that economical culinary staple. A simple calorie-heavy bang for your buck, as dependable as my employment history used to be. It can get a little boring, but don’t fret! I’m gonna spend a week exploring ways to keep the magic going with adventurous ramen garnishes that won’t leave you wondering how to pay […]