This Healthful Salad Technically Summons The Devil Of The Pit
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This Healthful Salad Technically Summons The Devil Of The Pit

summons the devil

I don’t know about you, but I really appreciate a diet that has a rich cultural and historical legacy. The kind of diets pioneered by The Bible, cavemen, or bisexual 19th century poets. I’m crazy about them all. So imagine my excitement when I acquired a diet book from an extinct culture.

The curator of the thrift store was an effete elderly man with a widows peak and pencil mustache who wore a crushed velvet suit and cravat. That’s a surefire way to tell you’re in one of the good ones. I asked him if he had any antique diet books and he insisted he had the perfect thing.

“Oh, is this bound in leather?” I asked excitedly. He then replied (rather enigmatically) that it was definitely bound…in flesh. I laughed nervously. “Well it’s not like this book summons The Devil, right?” He glanced around for a moment and gravely replied:

“By doing certain things certain results will follow; you are now most earnestly warned against attributing objective reality or philosophic validity to any of them.”

Apparently shortly after publishing this book, the author was found torn to pieces under a massive dunghill near the tavern he was last seen drinking at. It’s said his death was the work of a fraternal order sworn to keep the secrets contained within the book from being revealed (that, or asbestos). Not long after, the entire county was overrun by a tribe of what historians call, “fearsome warriors with bat wings and the heads of jackals. And we don’t mean that figuratively we mean literal animal monster people.”

All of this adds up to a truly unique salad experience I hope you will enjoy.

Fresh Lemon Mediterranean Salad

Ingredients:

romaine lettuce
torn escarole or curly endive
thinly sliced red onions
thinly sliced radishes
a tomato, cut into 8 wedges
finely polished Persian glass
black paint
a ceremonial dagger consecrated in goats blood
finely felted velvet from The Eastern Lands which pleases Our Terrible Lord
lemons
olive oil
plain yogurt
honey
dried oregano
Himalayan salt
black pepper, preferably in a grinder

Preparation:

Learn this SEAL:

summons the devil

This is the SEAL of the twenty-third name of Our Terrible Lord, known to our enemies as THE DEVIL OF THE PIT. You must draw this seal on clean parchment and hide it somewhere that nobody who knows you will find, even after death. The next person that sees this seal after you hide it will die in excruciating pain; may Our Terrible Lord guide it into the hands of our enemies.

Paint one side of the Persian glass a glossy black so dark it reflects like a mirror. Set aside to dry. Mix the honey oil, oregano, and yogurt in a small jar. Shake a few times and set aside.

Directions:

Spread the felted velvet across your altar, facing towards the North Star. Perform the Invocation to the Guardians of the Four Corners to protect your soul from the strain of the upcoming ritual.

Place a large salad bowl upon your altar and within it deposit the escarole (or endive), lettuce, onions, radishes, and tomato wedges. Place the Persian glass somewhere in your line of sight. Call out to The Goat With A Thousand Young while raising the dagger vertically with both hands. Begin by aligning it with your root chakra as if an extension of the Lingham, and slowly raising it in a straight line to your crown. Wave the ceremonial dagger across the bowl first in a North to South direction, then West to East.

If you have done this correctly, there should be a bright red line in the glass that mirror your movements across the bowl. If you haven’t, you would be dead by now.

Intone the phrase FAHF AH NAFL AIR’LUH exactly twenty three times. Squeeze the lemons into the jar of dressing and shake vigorously. Pour the dressing liberally over the salad and enjoy as Our Terrible Lord manifests inside you. Watch the physical changes in the glass as your eyes turn dark and a syrupy black liquid begins to leak from your ears, nose, and the corners of your mouth.

Bon Appétit!

Images: N G , The Unholy Codex Of The Pit / Pixabay

Rani Baker
Rani Baker

Not So Good Witch

Rani Baker is a writer for Cracked, Transadvocate, Bunny Ears (I mean) among others and frontperson for hacker punk band Destroyed For Comfort. Created the video games You Can't Go Home, Never Go To Work and Death Sword. Wants to be funnier but also wants you to like her just so, so much.Not a celebrity devil worshiper, or at least not a celebrity.

1 Comment
  1. You people are sick. You do know that The Almighty God wins and you and your sick god Satan burn forever in the pit? Repent and turn to Jesus.

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