We Tried Amazon’s Text App And Only Got Pics Of Jeff Bezos’s Bald Penis

Jeff Bezos’s bald, masculine, but ultimately forgettable penis seems to be the only feature, bug, and constant, unending surprise of Amazon’s new text app. It’s simply named “Bezos,” which, off-puttingly, means “kisses” in Spanish. And he used it for an app. When the Bunny Ears crew asked me to try the app for this article, I was happy to do it, but I didn’t think I was going to be seeing this much (or any) of Jeff Bezos’s oversize, likely silky-yet-unremarkable penis.

The app, given that Jeff Bezos just got divorced, is for divorcees like myself to find the love we once had, dream about every day, and will likely never feel again. Not like before. Every heartbreak is a scar, and there’s only so much skin to go around. But the amount of Jeff Bezos’s skin that I saw while just creating an account on this new app was flabbergasting. The loading screen started out fine, but I have to admit, I was definitely weirded out by how much information they take:

Then, when you finally open the app, the loading screen—which takes four and a half hours to finish loading and won’t let you do anything else on your phone—is just a picture of his matte, oil-slick, good-size yet baseline unexceptional penis.

The app works really well, and it feels like it might even record the stuff you type before you click “send,” but again, all that it sends is photos of Jeff Bezos’s above-average, evenly tanned, memory flash of a male organ. In particular, the speed of the app is exceptional. It’s super fast. The app seems to be optimized so that it runs faster than any app on your phone, which is pretty revolutionary. It zaps close to no battery power, too. It almost seems like the app is made so well just so it can send you more and more pictures of Jeff Bezos’s 24-oz.-Redbull-sized, smooth, garden variety penis.

Techcrunch has reported that the app will also sync with the new Amazon Key technology and that the indistinguishable image of Jeff Bezos’s penis that serves as your unchangeable profile picture (which is customized just for you) can serve as a scanning code to unlock the door to your garage, office, or home. The amount of cross-platform compatibility for this app is astounding.

After what felt like half a day and an overwhelming number of consensually taken, tasteful, and unimportant photos of Jeff Bezos’s penis, I was let into the app. As soon as the app loaded, though, all it did was use my phone number to text me more pictures of Jeff Bezos’s objectively great, pendleton-soft, but somehow run-of-the-mill penis.

I tried sending my first text message via the app to my friend Josh, who I’d already told about my problems with the app via Slack since I had no access to my phone’s text messaging capabilities while the app loaded on my phone. (Does it take this long every time?) I clicked send, and this is what happened:

Come on. I can’t imagine why Amazon decided this is okay or spent so long developing the app that it looks like Jeff Bezos’s penis (which has a net worth of over $160 billion) went through some cosmetic changes in the process. I have an extensive background in app development, and this has to have taken them at least seven years. Again, the app is not functional in any way, except as an expedient, lightning-fast delivery system that sends you and everyone you contact a seemingly inexhaustible number of pictures of Jeff Bezos’s obviously poreless penis.

The app is like a non-stop game of Whac-A-Mole that nobody asked for, paid for, or can possibly be enjoying. Not this much. Not this often. As a final note on, I guess, the only thing about this app, I think the penis is balder than his actual head. 

According to Tech Crunch, Amazon will open up the app in Q4 so that you can text your friends, co-workers, and immediate family members what is probably a limitless bevy of unsolicited dick pics from America’s richest man, but why would anyone ever use it for that? Or at all? I can’t stress enough that this app is absolutely useless in every sense of the word.

With the success of chat apps like Slack and Telegram and the normalization of apps like WhasApp, GroupMe, and Kik, we need another text app like we need another dick pic on the internet. But there they went, and here we are. All of us have to look at Jeff Bezos’s big, slimy, stupid dick. There’s no escape.

Please don’t download this app.