You’re Too Bad A Cook To Ever Make This Delicious Lasagna
I know you, and if you’re looking for an easy lasagna recipe that even you can pull off with your piss-poor cooking skills, this isn’t it. It’s too complicated. You’re going to fuck this up. It is as inevitable as the rise of the sun or you getting second-degree burns when you microwave popcorn. Hit the back arrow to return to the tab from whence you came.
Do you know what you’re getting yourself into? You’ll have to make a Béchamel. A Béchamel and a Bolognese, and the Bolognese is a Ragu. You’re so fucked.
This is your last chance to leave before the recipe starts. There’s still time to UberEats a lasagna from the Italian place up the street. You sure about this? Alright…
Lasagna with Béchamel Sauce and Sausage Ragu Bolognese
Sausage Ragu Bolognese
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 carrots, chopped
½ an onion, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 pound ground beef chuck
1 pound ground Italian sausage
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
1 cup whole milk
2 tablespoon tomato paste
1 14-ounce can peeled tomatoes
1 beef bouillon cube
1) Melt the butter over low heat in a deep heavy-bottomed pot, which I’m sure you’ve already dropped on your foot. Add the olive oil, then onion, celery, and carrots. You probably forgot to wash those. Sauté until soft, about 3 minutes. You’re not as good as a multitasker as you think. Pause the Netflix show you have on in the background unless you want your veggies to smell like farm arson.
2) It’s bad enough that you probably lost an entire hand chopping the carrots, but, frankly, it’s borderline irresponsible of me to even suggest that you add ground beef and sausage into a vessel filled with hot grease. I’d consider it a success if it only took two grease fires to produce one sad clump of charred food nugget. But add them anyway, I guess, along with the nutmeg. Brown for 3 to 5 minutes, breaking up with a wooden spoon and not your goddamn hands GET THEM OUT OF THERE ARE YOU INSANE?!
3) Add milk and can of peeled tomatoes. Mash until smooth. Cover with lid and turn down to lowest heat. Stir occasionally until most liquid has evaporated, about 45 minutes. I worry that’s way too long for your attention span to handle. It’s going to burn as you take Instagram selfies. Please, just stop now.
4) If you can open the can without slicing a finger on the lid, add the tomato paste, then the bouillon cube. Remove from heat after 45 minutes, or when your apartment building burns down with everyone in it.
1 tablespoon butter
2 tablespoons flour
2 cups milk
1 pinch nutmeg
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
1) All you have to do here is whisk the butter and flour in a saucepan until it browns slightly and smells nutty, about 3 or 4 minutes. I can already see this ending with tears streaming down my face as I pound the podium during my speech at your funeral saying, “Damn that lasagna to Hell!”
2) Whisk in the milk, bring to a simmer. Stir until thick, about 4 minutes. Remove from heat. Add nutmeg and Parmesan. Accidentally dump in an entire shaker of salt when you only meant to add a pinch because you’re a farcical mess. Set aside.
1) Preheat oven to 325-degrees. Boil noodles, never once remembering to stir so they form a raggedy wad of hot moist dough that symbolizes your futility in the face of even the most basic culinary challenges. Cool the noodles in a bowl of cold water for 2 minutes then drain.
2) Grease a 13×9 baking dish. Spread 1 cup of Ragu evenly along the bottom of the pan. Top with one layer of noodles, then smooth 1 cup of Béchamel over the noodles, then top that with the Ragu, and do all of that 5 times until the top layer is noodles coated in the remaining Béchamel. I lost you on the first layer, didn’t I? I’m not typing that shit again.
3) Cover loosely with tinfoil and bake for 1 hour. Crank the temperature to 450 degrees and remove the tinfoil. Brown for 10 minutes. If you made it this far with all of your limbs intact, there might be hope for you yet. But I know that hope will be dashed when you drop the whole thing because you tried taking the pan out of the oven with your bare hands.
Congratulations! You have successfully made floor lasagna. Bon appétit, you dumb person.