Thanksgiving Recipes The Whole Family Better Fucking Agree On
I swear to fucking God they better after all of this bullshit I went through this year.
Marvelous Meat: This Plant-Based Burger Not Only Bleeds, It Screams
We spoke with Marvelous Meats’ CEO Rodger Diaz about his potentially game-changing screaming beef that psychologically satisfies.
Recipes For Cooking And Serving Your Weakest Pokémon
You have two problems: no plans for Thanksgiving Dinner, and an abundance of just terrible Pokemon. Why not have one problem solve the other?
Can You Screw Up Pizza? We’re Gonna Try!
You know what they say: You can’t screw up pizza! But we’re gonna try.
Make Your Relationship As Good As The One I Have With This BBQ Pulled Pork Macaroni And Cheese
Relationships can be tough, but when you find your perfect other half, you’ll be amazed by how easy things can be. I personally feel so lucky to be in a relationship that’s so intuitive and carefree. I am, of course, talking about my relationship with this barbecue pulled pork macaroni and cheese. It’s a simple […]
We Duplicated This $50 Green Smoothie at Home by Blending Dollar Bills into a Regular Smoothie
We’re so excited about our favorite green smoothie at Bile, Los Angeles’s opulent private juice dojo, that we decided to try making one at home. The object of our obsession is the Manaus, a jade green superfood confection made with a touch of poison dart frog venom for paralyzing the face’s unnecessary smiling muscles. We […]
Simple Juice Cleanses To Help You Trim Down On Excess Friends
Juice cleanses are a quick and effective method to trim down on dead weight and stagnant energy. Why not give yourself a break from all that oppressive and exhausting chewing you’ve been doing and treat yourself to a juice cleanse that will help you restart your system and find out who your true friends are […]
Recipe: All-Natural Homemade Four Loko
2010 was a dark year: There was that earthquake in Haiti, Ronnie James Dio died, and Four Loko got banned. Sure, it came back, but only as a shell of its former self, with none of the delicious stimulants that got us totally lit. But you’re older now, wiser. You’re horrified that you used to […]
How To Make The Perfect Fried Rice—And I Mean Perfect
So you want to learn how to make my perfect fried rice? Of course you do. My perfect fried rice is nirvana incarnate. It’s made grown men weep. Asking someone if they want my fried rice recipe is like asking someone if they want to glimpse the face of God. Who’s going to say no? […]
These Delicious Desserts Make Up for the Ugly Things You Did While Drunk!
Earlier this year, I may have ill-advisedly shared five cocktail recipes with Bunny Ears readers during a, um, difficult time in my personal life. In the midst of a brutal divorce, I succumbed to the devil brew, and I was advised by my “lawyer” to check into a rehabilitation facility. I’m happy to report that I’m […]
I Went On A Rose Petals Cleanse, And Gained The Ability To See Fairy Folk
I’ve tried plenty of detoxes—the juice cleanse, the yogurt cleanse, the ranch dressing cleanse—but no matter what I tried, I couldn’t transcend this stubborn human dimension. Until now, that is. I’ve been on the rose petals cleanse for at least three months, though time has become somewhat a moot concept now that I partially inhabit the […]
Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers
A lovingly crafted school lunch serves an important function in your child’s life, sending the message to the rest of the children that their mothers are inferior to you. Do you want to send your precious baby to school in a sparkling Tesla with fresh gourmet entrees or a filthy Yaris full of processed meat cubes? […]
Condiment Pie: The Millennial Snack Craze That’s Financially Necessary
What’s the best way for a millennial to relax after a long week of killing our nation’s greatest industries? Why, condiment pie, of course! Condiment pie is a beautiful trend that combines all the wholesome goodness of regular pie with spending zero money. Here’s how you make it: Step One: Save Your Old Pizza And […]
The Best Apple Pie Recipe Given I Fucking Hate Apples
Ah, Fall. In Upstate New York there isn’t much to look forward to the rest of the year. Our winters are bleak and freezing, and summers are muggy and gross. But we do one thing better than anywhere else: apples. So many apples. We even have apple festivals. Oh, boy. You have not lived until […]
Beet Toast: The Avocado Toast We Deserve
Avocado toast is a thing of the past. Welcome to beet toast: the only breakfast toast you’ll need for at least two years. Breakfast is the most healing of all the meals; it sets the tone for your day. I recently heard the phrase “you are what you eat” for the very first time and […]
Fun Menstruation-Themed Recipes For Your Daughter’s Menarche Celebration Party
It’s time to plan the most important day of your daughter’s life, other than her marriage to a rich Doctor Without Borders. Menarche is a woman’s first period, when she blossoms from a young bud into a magnificent, pimply flower. Too often, a woman’s period is stigmatized and shunned, so no matter how much your […]
How To Cook The Perfect Salmon Depending On Your Zodiac Sign
The Zodiac guides us through challenges in life. The stars are as wise as they are numerous, and strongly advise which recipes you should use to prepare salmon! Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Those who fall under the sign of Aries are teeming with chaotic energy. Mars, god of war, compels you to seek […]
This Poached Egg Hack Will Totally Ruin Your Marriage!
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
Summer Cocktail Recipes That I Will Not Let My Wife Take In The Divorce!
After such a rough-and-tumble winter, Summer cannot get here fast enough. Yeah, isn’t Summer GREAT?! Everyone likes to party during the Summer, right?! I remember the summer, back when I was a bartender before I met Ashlee, that- you know what? Not gonna say it. I bet she’s got her lawyer reading this shit now. […]
SuperFood Secrets! That If You Tell Anyone I’ll Kill You
Everyone wants to extend and enrich their lives by eating natural, healthy, food but only the chosen few can. I mean, let’s face it, if we were all going to live forever thanks to our clean eating, then the earth would be massively overcrowded. So I’ll tell you my super food secrets, but I swear […]
This Shepherd’s Pie Recipe Is GREAT, But It Won’t Change The Fact That Dick Cheney Profited Off The Iraq War
Greetings, Bunny Ears readers! It’s your favorite chef back with another hit recipe! Everybody loves Shepherd’s Pie. It’s a hearty meal that’s PERFECT for a big group of people. I’ve made this recipe dozens of times and it’s always been a crowd-pleaser, but sadly the universal appeal of this traditional Irish dish won’t change the […]
The Cold Brew Cleanse Gave Me Powers Beyond My Wildest Dreams
Cold brew coffee is all the rage right now. It is simple to make, easier on the stomach than regular drip coffee and gives you a kick of caffeine that everybody could use in the morning. Even the most casual cold brew drinker knows that the more you drink the better you feel and now […]
Hot Recipe: Gluten-Free Mug Brownie
Warm, gooey, chocolatey goodness in less than 5 minutes? Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? And bonus — it’s gluten-free, so those with sensitivities can enjoy! I should know — I suffer from Celiac disease which is a serious autoimmune disorder. If I eat a regular ‘ol brownie, you better clear the way; I’m heading straight […]
You HAVE to Try This Stuffed Chicken Recipe (or They’ll Never Let Me See My Children Again)!
Greetings, Bunny Ears chefs! If you follow this website, you know that we value living a balanced life, and that eating healthy naturally leads to living healthy, and also that I’m a good person who loves his family. I first came across this recipe when I was traveling on business and now I make it […]
The Perfect Grilled Cheese Sandwich Recipe
When I was a boy, I lived on a farm. Farm life was tough, but you quickly learned the ways of the world. I remember my grandfather took me to one of the pens, I must have been about 5 or 6, and he showed me one of the sick mares. He explained how he […]
Tide Pod Recipes For The Depressed
Tide pods, the breakout “it” ingredients of the 2017/2018 culinary season, combine grittiness and liquid smoothness by putting three distinct flavors into each and every bite. They send a blast of freshness into your mouth and a wave of calorie-burning convulsions straight to your otherwise-bored stomach. And Tide Pod recipes aren’t that easy to come […]
You Have To Try This Amazing Mac and Cheese Recipe
I don’t remember why I walked into the Barnes and Noble that day. Maybe it was because it was raining and I didn’t have an umbrella. I never have an umbrella when I need one; You always thought that was a charming idiosyncrasy, but I think it belies a naivety – an unpreparedness for the […]
Recipes For Your Ecstasy-Fueled PTA Potluck
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
How To Make Mac And Cheese For Your Black Friends, AKA The Correct Way
Step one: Grab your box of raisins. Throw it out the window.
My Three Days On The Ranch Dressing Cleanse
Recipe: The 27 Flavors I Added to This Muffin Mix Until I Could Feel Something
I used to be like you. When I was a child, I could be satisfied with a simple vanilla cupcake. Oh, how wistful I am for those days of carefree innocence. As I grew older, my palate matured, and I craved the apple cinnamon crumble. I longed for the orange chocolate creme brulee. I was […]
5 Earthy Amuse-Bouche Ideas for Your Next Dinner Party
Amuse-bouche. Literally, amuse the mouth. It’s a requirement for any restaurant worth its salt, and a staple of a good dinner party. Amuse-bouche should be novel, memorable, and above all, daring. However, as a veteran host or hostess, you’ve already done the canapés, the ceviche, the spicy edamame with volcanic rock salt. To your chagrin, […]
From The Bunny Ears Test Kitchen: Pickled CBD Gluten-Free Cast-Iron Coconut Butter Crystal “Salmon” Taco Bowl With Salted Maca, Herbed Ghee, And Panamanian Venomous Toad
It’s summer, and at Bunny Ears, that means exactly two things: taco bowls and experimenting with dangerously powerful exotic hallucinogens from around the globe. Why not mix the two? After all, psychoactive substances have proven spiritual and psychological benefits, and taco bowls are delicious. To ensure a taco bowl of maximum mind-opening, exotic flavor, we’ll […]
How To Kimchi That Body In Your Backyard
Love kimchi? Need to dispose of a body? Well you’re in luck!
Forget Guilt-Free Snacking: Here Are The “Conflict Diamonds” Of Snack Foods
Many food companies will try to promise you “guilt-free” snacking with “healthy” snack alternatives but let’s get real here: there is no guiltless snacking. When Eve took that bite of the apple back in Bible times, God’s wrath descended upon humans and decreed “Thou shalt not snack unless you feel immediate regret. I mean good […]
Oh, I’ll Tell You How To Make These Vegan Sugar Cookies, But First You’ll Have To Read My Ridiculously Long Sugar Cookie Journey
Hey guys, I’m so glad that you came to check out my fave sugar cookie recipe! I know you probably just want to scroll down to the ingredients and get the recipe, but I’m going to make that as difficult for you as possible. Some might say I’m holding the recipe hostage. But instead of […]
Ramen Garnishes That Say “Adventurous but Late with Rent”
Maybe getting fired was fortunate and being a foodie is my thing now!
A Handy Recipe For Homemade Adderall
Save yourself some money (and a visit with your “guy”) by making your own Adderall at home. Now FOCUS.
Eco-Friendly Meals For When You’re Afraid To Piss Off Captain Planet
Have you ever gotten a swirly from the defender of the planet? Let me tell you it is brutal.