How To Cook The Perfect Salmon Depending On Your Zodiac Sign
The Zodiac guides us through challenges in life. The stars are as wise as they are numerous, and strongly advise which recipes you should use to prepare salmon!
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Those who fall under the sign of Aries are teeming with chaotic energy. Mars, god of war, compels you to seek bloodshed. Grill your salmon on hot coals. Beat into an unidentifiable pulp with a meat tenderizer. Your loved ones may beg you to stop, but an Aries is merciless. Take hold of the chili powder and go to town. Add a pinch of cumin. Your mind wanders to thoughts on how you might smite your enemy, Karen, from work. Add pepper. Imagine that the salmon squealing under the hot flames of the grill is Karen’s face. What’s that, Karen? Lime juice hurts your eyes? Well that’s just too bad. Lime adds zest to the dish, Karen.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Tauroids such as yourself are as tenacious as a non-castrated bull. You have the patient perseverance to braise salmon, gingerly adding hoisin sauce one drop at a time. Snip off a single tendril of dill and drop it on the salmon. Repeat until well-seasoned. While your family may grow impatient and question your priorities, remember: in cooking, there’s no substitute for crushing each granule of pepper individually between your thumb and forefinger, and blowing the dust carefully onto a perfectly seared salmon.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
You’re an adventurous free spirit! You love the wind in your hair and spontaneity in your fish. Take your salmon out for an impromptu trip to the park, and toss it high into the air as you laugh and find shapes in the clouds. But Gemini are mercurial, so cut your day short to take your salmon home and start warming up the broiler.
Add Worcestershire sauce. This delightfully tangy condiment originated in 1830s Worcester, England when Gemini’s planet, Mercury, was in orbital copulation with the British Isles. Be sure to buy wild salmon, as the heightened mercury levels will strengthen your planetary connection, giving you greater cosmic energy. Broil 17 minutes. Touch your hand to the oven door, whispering softly, “I’m sorry dear friend. You should have expected this.”
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
As a Cancer, one of the crab people, you are ruled by emotion. For this recipe you’ll need fresh thyme. That reminds you about how we all could use more time on this world. Allow yourself 15 minutes to cry. You’ll also need lemons, but try not to become angry at the lemons for containing too many seeds. It’s not their fault; what you’re truly angry about is past wrongs against you.
Yell passionately at the salmon about how Gustavo from spin class is ignoring your calls, as you prepare a garlic, lemon, and white wine sauce (if you have any left from your Netflix-cry-binge yesterday). Tearfully season with rosemary, place in oven, and reflect upon how you and Gustavo aren’t meant to be. After all, Gustavo is a Sagittarius, and you would destroy each other.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22), Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22), and Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
This unique cluster of astrological signs are whom we in the zodiac community like to refer to as “incorrigible foodies.” You experiment with wild abandon, no matter how much your friends or your stomach protest. So here are suggestions for true trailblazers:
Lox sculpted to resemble the head of Abraham Lincoln. The salmon you fished out of the ocean (who spoke and begged for his life, promising a magical wish in return) brined overnight and baked in tin foil (to avoid burning the edges) with a drizzle of olive oil.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Pluto, though small, contains powerful Plutonian energy. When harnessed by Scorpio, it can raise the dead. This provides a challenge for Scorpio in the kitchen, as you may inadvertently resurrect your salmon. There’s nothing more disconcerting than your headless salmon thrashing around while you’re trying to drown it in a spicy mustard sauce.
To prevent this complication, you must kill your salmon so that it remains dead. Decapitation doesn’t guarantee it won’t return from the watery beyond. The soul actually resides in the dorsal meat. You must use a wooden stake (I suggest cherrywood as this imparts pleasant fruity undertones) and impale it. If a priest is present, have him sprinkle holy breadcrumbs on it (you can easily Yelp where to find the right person).
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Let’s not mince words, Sagittarius. You have terrible taste. That centaur constellation endowed you with as much culinary appreciation as would be expected from a horse man. Go ahead, poach all the flavor out of your salmon, boil some carrots and peas, and enjoy your dinner for simpletons.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Oh Capricorns, you poor dears. Your dour, Werner Herzog-esque philosophy is as poetic as it is tedious. But being a nihilist doesn’t mean you can’t be creative in the kitchen! Go with a smoked salmon. You’ll need an industrial meat smoker. Which you already have, as the closest Capricorns get to bliss is inhaling the powerful fumes of smoldering meat byproduct. Once smoked, serve cold, like the reality in which there is no God.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
The current, revised edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Zodiac no longer considers Aquarius to be a sign.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
PISCES IS THE FISH SIGN. DON’T EAT SALMON YOU DISGUSTING CANNIBAL OR YOU WILL ROT IN FISH HELL.