Unconscious Uncoupling: Your Guide To A Pain-Free, One-Sided, Secret Divorce
Much has been made of Bunny Ears hero Gwyneth Paltrow’s decision to “consciously uncouple” from ex-husband Chris Martin, a process that entails mindfully and sensitively detaching from your spouse. That might be fine for Gwynny (we get to call her Gwynny, you should absolutely not call her Gwynny), but what if you’re just, like, really not into confrontation? Like it’s been pretty clear for years that this marriage is over, but actually filing paperwork and dividing your assets just feels aggressive? And it’s “just not my style, man.”
If this sounds like you, then you may be the perfect candidate for unconscious uncoupling, a pain-free way to escape your marriage. [Editor’s note: If you need to literally escape your marriage, contact the police. Don’t listen to us. Never listen to us.] If all goes according to plan, your spouse won’t even notice you’re gone!
Step 1: Start Slowly Moving Into Your Car
Over the course of days, weeks, or even months if you’re really disciplined, start removing items from your home and placing them in your car. The slower you go, the better. Just a shirt here, a framed poster of Ronald Reagan riding a dinosaur there. The key is to only take what you’ll absolutely need to start your new life. By leaving a lot of stuff behind, your spouse will probably just figure you went out for a cold-brew. Since you’re little more than ships passing in the night at this point, it could be months before they start asking themselves when they last saw you.
Step 2: Develop A Game Plan
While you’re doing the above, start figuring out where to go. Friends and family are a bad idea, because your spouse probably knows where to find them. The best strategy is to just throw darts at a globe and go with the first place far enough away that your spouse wouldn’t bother to track you down even if they found out where you were. Let’s face it, they’ll barely cross the room for you, let alone state lines.
Ideally, have a job that can be performed from anywhere, like lifestyle blogging or pantomime. That way, you won’t have to worry about finding work in your new place of residence. The crucial thing is to keep all of your plans, globes, and boarding passes hidden from your spouse, because if they find them, there’s a chance you might have to talk to them. Pick a hiding spot, but don’t, like, obsess over it. Under your shared bed, in the dishwasher that they never use, and literally stapled to your face are all fine options. It’s not like they’d notice either way.
Step 3: Fine-Tune The Details
As your departure date approaches, complain to your doctor about “sleep issues,” then get yourself some Ambien. It’s probably only half a lie anyway. Keep this hidden with the rest of your illicit goods, and on the night of, slip it into your spouse’s food.
[Editor’s note: Drugging people is illegal]
It’s best to crush it up into something soft, like applesauce or macaroni and cheese, but feel free to wrap it in a slice of ham and shove it down their throat like a dog if it’s all really starting to get to you.
We know you’re chill, but surreptitiously abandoning your life is a lot to take on, and this way you don’t have to worry about waking them up with your hasty retreat/possibly having a temporarily uncomfortable conversation. Best to give them two or three.
Now, run. Run like the wind and don’t look back. Godspeed, soldier.