The Cold Brew Cleanse Gave Me Powers Beyond My Wildest Dreams

April 20, 2018 by
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Cold brew coffee is all the rage right now. It is simple to make, easier on the stomach than regular drip coffee and gives you a kick of caffeine that everybody could use in the morning. Even the most casual cold brew drinker knows that the more you drink the better you feel and now thanks to science and my volunteering to drink nothing but cold brew all day we finally know what happens to your body with each subsequent serving of cold brew coffee.

CUP ONE

From the first sip, you’ll find yourself waking up. Your eyes will open a little wider and you can take on your day with a little more vim and vigor than previously. You should be able to get your work done a lot faster than you would on just a full night of sleep alone. You may find that your heart rate will be slightly elevated but don’t worry this is completely normal.

CUP TWO

If you’re doing it right this one will raise your heart rate a little bit. You will also notice a marked increase in your reflexes. Some might describe them as cat-like reflexes. You’re not a cat medically but you would imagine that this level of awareness is what cats are dealing with 24/7. Don’t do anything crazy though! You do not have a cat’s nine lives. You’re still mortal, for now.

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CUP THREE

This is where everything changes. I’m sure, like most humans, you’ve never been able to fly. However, after drinking three cups of cold brew will find that you’re able to levitate for short periods of time. Is it the most efficient way to travel? Probably not, but you’ll definitely be able to move across the room without touching the ground.

CUP FOUR

Telepathy is the most noticeable side-effect of cup four. Few people know why but once you drink four cups of cold brew you become a powerful empath if only for the time the caffeine runs through your veins. You can use this power to relate to your friends better or solve family quarrels. Do not think to use this power for personal gain. Cold brew is a fickle mistress and if you use your empathic skills to cheat at poker cold brew will stop having any effect on you.

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CUP FIVE: TRANSCENDENCE

This is when you’ll begin to vibrate at a higher frequency which can potentially shift you out of this plane of reality and into another. You might find yourself surrounded by celestial beings. They may or may not charge you with controlling and determining the fate of all humanity. Your family members will see the body you’ve left behind and will know that you’re at a better, more powerful place, they will instantly find peace with losing you.

I think we can all agree that you should probably limit your cold brew consumption to three or less a day. At the very least you should choose wisely how much cold brew you want to consume.


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