The Best Coffee Tables For Your Personal Powerbomb Style
So you want to powerbomb someone through a table? We get it. However, if you truly want to make a statement, you can’t just use any ol’ table you find at a local banquet hall. You have to find one that speaks to both you and your personal powerbomb style—and there’s usually no better option than a simple coffee table. So use the below guide to discover which specific type of coffee table is right for you, your home, and your unique way of inflicting spinal damage on an enemy.
1. The Release Powerbomb: A Rustic Pine Coffee Table with Metal Frame
This model is perfect for the Jackknife, or Release, powerbomb, made famous by “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel. The move lets gravity do the work for you, and the pine provides just the right amount of blunt trauma and snapping fiber action. The rustic aesthetic can also provide rusty nails that will dig into your opponent’s battered body.
2. The Sit-Out Powerbomb: Cottage-Style, Oak Coffee Table (Leather Upholstered)
The strong oak wood allows your opponent to feel maximum impact while keeping you comfortable and supported as you sit/drive their neck to hell. The leather upholstering also helps prevent butt splinters.
3. The Pop-Up Powerbomb: Poplar Shaker-Style Coffee Table
“Pop-up.” “Poplar.” The alliteration alone is enough. You’re also supporting the peace-loving Shakers as you shake your opponent’s vertebrae (not to mention you may get a possible shout-out from Kevin Owens, who used the Pop-Up as a finisher). Wins all around.
4. The Multi-Powerbomb: Marble Oval Coffee Table with Steel Frame
If you’re going to powerbomb your opponent multiple times like Y2J back in the day, you’ll need a table that can withstand the hammering force of 200+ lbs. of meat encased in spandex—repeatedly. Luckily, the solid marble and secure steel frame on this model can withstand as many successive powerbombs as you need—without premature breakage (you’ll also be safe from Maffew busting out an “I AM THE TABLE” meme).
5. The Japanese Ocean Bomb: Mirrored Crystal Table with Brushed Copper Frame
Fancy powerbombs require fancy tables, and the mirrored crystal on this one will help reflect your bomb’s violent beauty from all angles as it shatters and slices your opponent’s shoulders. Plus, the copper frame makes for a classy-yet-modest embellishment.
6. Blazing Fuckunder Devilshit Bomb: Two Milk Crates and a Fiberglass Door
Bro, you only got $12 left after getting those sweet kickpads and the show’s just gonna pay you in hot dogs. If you really want to get your finish over, this’ll do the trick in a pinch. Stack the door on the crates and chuck him into it. Just ask for Pete at Home Depot and he’ll give you a deal. Plus, dad’s liquor store has tons of milk crates so you can just have those. You’ll definitely get booked at the Lord of the Deathkill Tourney after this spot.