“Got A Hole? Fill A Hole!” (And Other Perfect Wedding Advice)

June 2, 2018 by
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This weekend, I watched my friend get married.  Waiting in line to greet the bride and groom, I overheard some of the best wedding advice from an attending cousin from Florida: “Got a hole? Fill a hole.”  Most of my helpful advice is delivered with my middle finger, but when faced with a blushing bride and groom, the depth of “Got a hole? Fill a hole” made sense. Of course, this was the same cousin I overheard saying to another guest, “C’mon, we’re not that related,” but that doesn’t negate the fact that we are all human holes needing fulfillment. So if we’re all holes, we should constantly be trying to fill ourselves.

Doling out wedding advice to the newly wed is not an easy order to fill. The human brain is one of the most complex creations in the universe, and most of us don’t even know how to use it, which, of course, is why we invented marriage. Everywhere I look I see people mastering their lives and being ready for marriage (as well as brand expansion) at younger and younger ages. I am at the phase where I’m trying to casually tell a date how I’ve never peed on someone while also letting them know that there’s just something special about them. The more people I meet, the more I understand serial killers.

Wedding Advice Billboard

Like anyone else, I learned to swallow proverbial bitter pills when I realized that if I didn’t, life would just deliver them rectally. Just like every other single person out there, I can’t imagine finding that one person whose hole I could fill, be it their emotional hole, existential hole, or actual hole. Maybe the cousin from Florida was correct and the key to a happy marriage is just as simple as the saying “Got a hole? Fill a hole.”

Why can’t I just fill my holes?

Floridians, for example, keep it real in matters of love and war like the wife arrested for punching her husband after he interrupted her masturbating. Don’t interrupt when a hole is being serviced. #LessonsLearned #Choices and say it with me: #GotAHoleFillAHole.

You’ve gotta keep filling those holes.

In a world where a porn star is more trustworthy than our president, this candid honesty from a Floridian may be just the refreshing love guidance that I need. Truthful tales of love and loss litter the Tampa police blotter, where I looked to Florida for answers. We all want to believe that the best wedding advice is all positive advice that we actually feel instead of half-hearted hopes we give someone while we inwardly admitting to ourselves that half of all marriages die. But maybe if we were more honest with ourselves and just said “Love each other as much as you can, but be open to the fact that during the term of a marriage, there might be some metaphorical butt stuff,” we wouldn’t put so much unnecessary weight on our own stupid holes. Again, metaphorical holes.

Loving the person you are with right now is hard enough. Having to love them for the person that they will become gets a lot harder when there’s straight-up metaphorical diarrhea involved, though. And that’s more common than not. I could end up with a spouse who eats so many emotional tacos that our toilet screams out its safe word when it’s flushed.  Just because I want love doesn’t mean I’m ready for it. I mean, who wants to deal with that staggering amount of shit anyway?

They say that boys become men by accomplishing things, like getting married or something and that girls become women by getting older. Not true. It’s all about the pubes. Again, the metaphorical pubes. Keep up. But do I even have metaphorical peach fuzz yet? I mean, I’m not even mature enough to have a friend named Dick right now. (I’m so sorry I pushed you away Dick, but you were being kind of a “you.”) So how am I supposed to be positive that I will be able to dish out enough love and acceptance that can last forever?

The first step, as always, is admitting there’s a hole. And that’s my biggest hole.

Time is just a man-made construct and death is the final hole we fill, so just knowing that everything will happen today, yesterday, or tomorrow is the only awareness we need. Look to fill the hole you have in yourself first.

So maybe I’m missing a few holes, and I need some holes I don’t have, but the best we can do is fill our own holes every chance we get. My best friend got married. And someday I, too, will have that hole to fill. Until then, I’m pretty happy with the holes I’ve got.

IMAGES: Reddit, @RealDera via Twitter 


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4 Comments

  1. Holy shit !! Amen to that sista!
    I love what your words materialize into !! Such great depth and insight !!!

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