Meditations That Will Help You Sleep If You Jerk Off To The Sexy Australian Voice Reading Them

After a long day of goat yoga and apple cider vinegar colonics, it can be hard to get to sleep. Just because you’ve gone to bed doesn’t mean you’re at rest. Here at Bunny Ears, we love capping off our nighttime routine by flicking it to a meditation. Specifically, a meditation read by Logan Coleman, whose Australian accent really hits the spot, by which we mean “clitoris.” It’s no secret that orgasms can help you sleep, and this incredibly sexy meditation voice will help you summit Petite Mort Mountain.

Logan is the star of Outback Meditations, an app that will gently shepherd you into dreamland via breathtaking images of Australia’s interior. We have no idea if the meditations are any good, but we love riding the train to sleepy-town atop the erotic waves of a rich, accented voice. You can bring that voice down under our sheets any time, Logan!

A good sleep ritual should be a celebration rather than a chore. We like to prepare for sleep by igniting an essential oil–soaked junior staff member with hand-whittled bamboo match, then dousing the flames with a refreshing beverage. We love deciding who lives! After soaking in a copper tub, we are fired up and totally ready to massage the old platypus egg.

After listening to just a few minutes of Logan Coleman describing Northern Territory landscapes (yes, we can imagine that brown snake), our third eyes are wide open and absolutely aching for it. We are giving those hungry, hungry bunny holes what they need with Logan Coleman’s gritty basso. His voice is so evocative that we can practically see the dust on his strong, calloused hands. It looks like this stud who exists only in our erotic imaginations could use some of the coconut oil we keep in our nightstands for “skin care.”

If you’re not one of those people who can just lie down, close your eyes, and immediately fall asleep, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, beat yourself off. A short vacation to O-town (the raw sexuality of this Aussie voice has practically halved our completion times) is just the thing for making your way into the land of dreams. As an added bonus, jerking it has never made you feel so superior to your less-enlightened friends.

Meditation is a great way to get ready to go to sleep. We bet the good people at Outback Meditations intended that readiness to come from mindfulness and a connection to the body, but it doesn’t hold a vintage beeswax candle to the experience of drifting to sleep on the receding waves of a cervix-shattering climax. It’s a great stress reliever, and frankly, a lot more fun than imagining Ayer’s rock or some shit.

Some people use meditation to relax and empty their minds of the day’s mental garbage. Instead of trying to empty something, we’re trying to fill something. Our vaginas.

G’night, mate (and here, we mean mate in the sexual sense)!

[Editor’s note: Mr. Coleman declined to be interviewed for this distasteful and overly sexual article.]