Transparency is in, and we’re not just talking about John being honest about where he goes after work! Due to a series of unfortunate incidents of gun violence in public spaces and its claim as the most popular American activity of the decade, many large event centers and the Bloomingdale’s makeup counter have since asked women to start carrying clear handbags to prove they’re not concealing any weapons.
While we’re obviously not the ones you see shooting people (hello! We call in our complaints), we’re happy to do our part in preserving public safety. Unfortunately for them, this does mean that men are going to find out how much we spit in our purses. Here are some of our favorite selections of transparent handbags that’ll have everyone saying “Whoa, is that spit?!” and “That’s a shit ton of spit!” and “Holy shit, women spit into their purses?!” Yep, we sure do.
Chanel Hobo Transparent Teardrop
This perfect tote from Chanel is already shaped like the thing it’s about to carry: some delicious spit. Its size is perfect for carrying other female essentials (mace, expired apples, a list of all your exes and their addresses, all those aborted fetuses), graciously topped off with 3 lbs. of spit.
Cotton On Crystal Clear Tote
What we just love about this clear pink tote from Cotton On is the gorgeous hue it gives all that spit you’re carrying. You might be hockin’ some clear fluids in there, but everyone will think you’ve got some kind of illness. Then people will be worried about you and give you more attention! And if you’ve got pink spit floating around in there, who’s going to steal your Kiehl’s cream or iPhone XS? Spitting in purses: Once a secret female act, now a security device.
Sears Beautybuyers Fashion PVC Transparent Bag
A fun take on the vintage schoolgirl satchel, this see-through bag screams “I’ve got lots of homework and lots of spit!” Any man who approaches you thinking you seem like the intellectual type will either be horrified or intimidated, not just by the presence of spit in your bag but by the volume. You hocked enough loogies into that pocketbook to fix the California drought because you’re one damn powerful woman. (We know this one is from Sears, but you can always order it online and request they not put it in a Sears delivery box.)
Topshop Clear Purse Belt
We absolutely love this stylish cross between trendy fanny packs and bags clear enough to showcase your spit from Top Shop. Unlike spitting into a normal purse, you don’t even need to readjust your body. You could literally sit on your favorite brunch spot’s reclaimed wood bench with this belt bag wide open and just let it all fall in like a human waterfall. The only thing we don’t like about this bag is its size. We’d need to wear at least three more to contain an average day’s spit.
Thanks to clear bags, the secret’s out! Women don’t carry large bags because of all their feminine baggage. We’re hoarding spit, and just like everything else about our bodies, you’ll never understand it.