Navigating the minefield of corporate America is tough for everyone, even celebrity lifestyle guest bloggers. I realized recently that I’ve gotten neither a promotion nor a raise, not even the customary 1.5% cost of living bump, in three years. Luckily, I figured out what I needed to do. I needed to start dressing like a boss. My boss, to be exact: Boat Havershaw, the chihuahua-pug mix.
When my boss, Miriam Havershaw, died in a tragic duck-taunting incident, she left the majority of her vast estate to her dog, Boat Havershaw. Boat is a very good dog but a somewhat enigmatic boss. It can be difficult to figure out exactly what he’s thinking, so what better way than to step into his adorable rain booties?
Is It A Collar Or A Choker?
Chokers are all the rage right now, and are they that different from dog collars? No! Only you and your dog boss will notice the difference, as long as your boss isn’t distracted by a squirrel.
If your boss does become too distracted by a squirrel to notice your new upgraded boss attire, don’t worry. This is a very common problem for bosses, and it will definitely catch their attention the next time they’re making direct eye contact with you while they poop.
Sometimes, Just A Matching Theme Is Fine
For instance, if your boss dresses like a little hot dog that day, you’re obviously not going to go into a meeting dressed like a little hot dog. That would be ridiculous. You should dress as a condiment to go with the hot dog. I generally prefer ketchup.
Large Dog Sweater Or Small Person Sweater?
Large dog sweaters are just small people sweaters that look weird. Throw on a white tank top underneath to keep it work appropriate, and you’re all set for a business casual lunch. Your boss will impressed that you put forth the effort to show that you appreciate him! Especially if you sneak him a little bit of people food under the table.
Extremely Hairy Sweater, No Pants.
A bold choice for a bold employee! It can be awkward being the only one not wearing pants to work. Support your boss by leaving those discomfort tubes at home! The classiest way to not wear pants at work is to wear a dress, but a super long, fuzzy sweatshirt would be even more considerate of your boss’s inability to find comfortable pants that go around his curly little tail.
Remember: It’s Never Going To Be Easy
Dogs aren’t meant to be bosses. There are going to be awkward moments when you try to dress like your dog boss. Some days, you might agree to wear matching ties, but he comes in wearing a bow tie, and you’re like “I get that you’re a dog, but you’re not an idiot, right?”
Just be patient and keep in mind that your boss is better suited to sniffing strangers’ butts, chasing birds, and sleeping 14 hours a day than running a multinational corporation. Honestly, this is true of most bosses, and it’s not your bosses fault that ducks are dangerous killers who are just allowed to roam about waiting to be taunted by eccentric millionaires.