I, Quarog The World Eater, Must Have Plant Milk
I know there have been a lot of questions since I, Quarog The World Eater, appeared in the space that surrounds your planet.
Can You Believe We Didn’t Make Up Titanic II?
I mean seriously, come on, Titanic II? That has us written all over it.
How To Talk To Your Kids About Skeletons Trying To Steal Your Treasure
It’s a sad truth that any normal family who keeps a large pile of gold and precious gems in their home is going to attract skeletons. It’s perfectly natural for children to be frightened of skeletons, but they need to understand that skeleton attacks are just a natural part of life. Every skeleton attack can […]
What Your Favorite Celebs Eat Daily (Hint: It’s Mostly Candles)
We all want to eat like celebs. They look so good, but they have access to all sorts of private chefs and expensive ingredients that most of us can’t afford, right? Wrong! Look no further than your local Yankee Candle to find out exactly what you need to do in order to eat like some […]
How To Dress Like A Boss When Your Boss Is A Dog Who Inherited A Fortune
Navigating the minefield of corporate America is tough for everyone, even celebrity lifestyle guest bloggers. I realized recently that I’ve gotten neither a promotion nor a raise, not even the customary 1.5% cost of living bump, in three years. Luckily, I figured out what I needed to do. I needed to start dressing like a boss. My […]
This Cannabis Yoga Class Will Get You So High You’ll Forget You’re Doing Yoga
Now that cannabis is legal in nine of the chillest states in the U.S., a few select gyms are offering cannabis yoga classes. Studies conducted at Dr. Big Dawg’s Dope Research Institute show that getting super high and doing yoga rules. We’re not going to take science’s word for it, though. I went out into […]
Make Your Summer Camp Killing Spree Sex-Positive This Year
This year, as you’re polishing off the ol’ family machete for your traditional summer camp killing spree, keep in mind how the world is changing. Some of your behavior on past killing sprees is now considered unacceptable. That’s always been the case, according to Mother, but if you don’t start making the following changes, you’ll […]
Bunny Ears Essentials: Kidneys
Kidneys, you gotta have em. Some people think just one is acceptable but here at Bunny Ears we highly recommend at least two. MC himself has four on him at all times. We wanted to take a moment today to slow down and dish about the hippest vital organ in everyone’s body. Kidneys Filter Your Blood This […]
This Heirloom Gingerbread Recipe Is Starting To Make Me Think My Grandma Might Be The Witch From Hansel And Gretel
Heirloom recipes are so special. They’re like a time machine that can transport us directly back to our childhood kitchens. I know when I take one bite of this wonderful gingerbread recipe I’m right back next to my grandmother in her warm, homey cottage in the woods. I’m so excited to share this fabulous recipe […]
How To Give A Memorable Wedding Toast Without Mentioning The Bride Ate Her Twin In Utero
It’s such an honor to be asked to speak at your friend’s wedding, but it can also be very stressful. Right now, I’m attempting to put down a few words on paper about my lifelong friend, Jennifer, and of course, I’m having that classic problem: trying not to mention that she ate her twin in […]
Wine Kegs That Will Get Your Book Club Lit AF
Because we all know this is what it’s actually all about.
Color Of The Month: Yellow
I volunteered to write about this month’s chosen color of the month assuming it would be a fun and relatively simple task for me…as long as the chosen color wasn’t yellow. Then Craig the Intern called to say the folks in the office had landed on…you guessed it: yellow (which is so stupid considering we […]
We Held A Gender Reveal Party To Reveal Gender Is A Social Construct But We Still Kept All The Presents
My husband and I decided to throw a gender reveal party to reveal to our unwoke friends and family that gender is just a social construct. At first they were pretty confused when the gender reveal trebuchet flung only hunks of raw chicken instead of the pink or blue confetti they were promised. When I […]
I Used A Babypod And Now My Baby Looks Just Like The Lead Singer Of Smash Mouth And It’s Definitely Because Of The Babypod And For No Other Reason
Dear Babypod, I would like to file a complaint about your product. When I first heard about your speaker, which I could easily insert into my vagina and use to play music for my baby, I was very excited. This device was perfect for introducing my baby to my favorite band, Smash Mouth. At least […]
Philosophical Reasons You HAVE To Bleach Your Asshole
Some dilemmas in life can only be answered by analyzing the words of the great thinkers of humanity. People often turn to religion when pondering the big questions, but as a practical person who finds value in tangible thought structures rather than spiritual reconnaissance, I’m much more likely to turn to philosophy to answer the […]
Our Step By Step Guide To Shoving Your Entire Fist In Your Mouth
For years people have been whispering about the therapeutic properties of sticking your entire first in your mouth. It’s been called Mouth Fisting, and the benefits are both spiritual and physical. It’s a fun and relaxing pastime and it stretches out your jaw so you can fit even more cheeseburgers in there. I’d had a […]
All This Mom Wants For Mother’s Day Is Some Great Dad Dick And For Her Kids To STFU
This time of year most Moms are gearing up to partake in the Mother’s Day tradition of being forced to pretend uncooked pasta is a viable fashion choice. One woman is hoping her kids get the hint that all she wants is for them to shut the fuck up for a few hours and some […]
I Connected With My Deceased Father By Touching His Thermostat
He’s not a crime solving ghost, or a prophetic warning ghost. He’s just a cheap ghost.
How Do You Tell If An Object Sparks Joy Or Just Gave You An Orgasm Once?
No, literally all I have left now are vibrators and cake mix.
Transform Your Body By Getting Into This Machine And Not Asking Any Questions
Have you ever looked at your human body and thought “Ew, this lumbering carcass that encases my intellect is much too large and bothersome”? Well, with my revolutionary three-step method, you’ll see the pounds melt away in just three minutes. Many advertisers promise to give you less body quickly and with minimal effort, but no […]
We Found Carmen Sandiego, She Was Just in the Bathroom for a Really Long Time
Should we slide a magazine under the door or something?
Holiday Party Idea: Pushing Over Children At The Skating Rink
We need a fun and competitive blood sport that combines hockey with a dash of child abuse.
Beautiful Inspirational Quotes That Will Definitely Piss Off The Person You’re Directing Them At
It can be hard to express your true feelings. That’s why inspirational quotes are so great! Why think of something poignant yourself when you could just use Google? When it’s hard for me to find the words I need all I have to do is turn to Instagram where I can find exactly what I […]
Oh, I’ll Tell You How To Make These Vegan Sugar Cookies, But First You’ll Have To Read My Ridiculously Long Sugar Cookie Journey
Hey guys, I’m so glad that you came to check out my fave sugar cookie recipe! I know you probably just want to scroll down to the ingredients and get the recipe, but I’m going to make that as difficult for you as possible. Some might say I’m holding the recipe hostage. But instead of […]
Help! My Spirit Animal Is A Shark And Keeps Biting Me In The Pool
I have a serious medical/spiritual condition that people desperately need to made more aware of. Kids today are going crazy for spirit animals but they are not aware how harmful and dangerous they can be. Everyone thinks finding out your spirit animal will be fun and enlightening, but in reality, it could end with you […]
My Morning Routine: I Lick Everything In The House So It Stays Mine
When you grow up in a house with seven brothers, you learn certain habits that last a lifetime.
Mary-Kate And Ashley Olsen Movies Were Kind Of Insane: WATCH
Wait—they investigated a mystery in the Navy?
We Played ‘Dream Phone’ As Adults, And It Was Weird: WATCH ‘Rewind, Rethink’
It’s another ‘Rewind, Rethink’!
Watch: Our Brand New YouTube Series ‘Rewind, Rethink’
For everyone who loves ’90s nostalgia and weird-as-hell commercials.
Travel The World By Recapturing Those 13 Evil Ghosts You Released
You’ll wish these demon spirits escaped every year!
’90s Toys Ranked By How Long It Took Doctors To Get It Out My Nose
You won’t believe the lasting emotional trauma I got from #4!
Our Exclusive Sneak Peek at the New Frasier-Inspired Makeup Line
If you love taupe you’re going to lose your shit for this.
Build Strong Relationships With Your Coworkers By Predicting Their Deaths
Hey Janice just wanted to let you know that sweater is super cute and also cancer but you’ve got like thirty years.
5 Recipes To Impress No One Because You Don’t Need To, You’re Perfect
Minimum effort with maximum reminders that you’re great and everyone else can suck it.
Brunch, Avenging My Father, And Five Other Things I’m Obsessed With
Wow, it was so sweet of Bunny Ears to let me do this little round-up of all the things I’ve been obsessed with lately! Honestly, I’m totally and completely obsessed with so many things that it was hard to narrow it down to just these seven. From dry-brushing to white nail polish to solving my […]