Make Your Summer Camp Killing Spree Sex-Positive This Year
This year, as you’re polishing off the ol’ family machete for your traditional summer camp killing spree, keep in mind how the world is changing. Some of your behavior on past killing sprees is now considered unacceptable. That’s always been the case, according to Mother, but if you don’t start making the following changes, you’ll really hear about it, from her and everyone else.
Repeatedly Make Sure Your Victims Are Of Age
Since it seems like this killing thing is very much also a sex thing, it’s a good idea to make sure all of your victims are over the age of eighteen or your state’s mandated age of consent. Camp counselors only! Instead of stalking them with silent menace, try yelling “Are you at least eighteen years old?” over and over as you chase them through the woods.
No More Targeting Sexually Active Teens!
When chasing teens around with a machete, focusing solely on sexually active teens is a little bit antiquated. Try and be sex positive when considering which of your fellow campers to take out! Virgins deserve to have their stupid faces chopped off with a machete just as much as the popular kids do (as long as they are of consenting age).
Ask For Consent
Negotiating consent can be tricky, especially when your victim won’t stop screaming. Here is a handy list you can give them instead! They can just put a check mark next to the activities to which they consent. It even includes options for fun things you might want them to do to you!
- I decapitate you with a machete
- I impale you with an arrow
- I axe you in the face
- You axe me in the face
- I stab you in the head with a knitting needle
- You chain me to a cinderblock and drop me in a lake
- I push you through a grate into space
- You pour toxic sludge over me, transforming me into a younger version of myself, which slowly floats away into the sewers
- I bludgeon you with an electric guitar
Listen, Listen, Listen To The Screams Of Your Victims
Listening is very important. Yes, they’re screaming, but what are they saying? Be aware of the environment in which you’re preparing to murder. When you’re approaching them during a sexual encounter, why not wait until it’s over before you impale them with a spear?
Don’t Be Afraid To Be Vocal About What You Want
It can be scary to put yourself out there, but you’ll be surprised how rewarding it is to just say what you want. Camp counselors expect to be chased by masked psychopaths when they attend summer camp. It’s been happening since the dawn of time. Use your words. Say “Hey, I think you’re really great, and I want to freeze your head in liquid nitrogen and then shatter is against a counter. How do you feel about that?”
Appreciate Your Own Body While Murdering Theirs
Get naked while you chase some camp counselors through the woods! Again, it’s important to confirm repeatedly that they are of age as you chase them naked through the woods. As you swing your machete at them, just keep yelling “Are you nineteen? Are you nineteen? I only want to murder you if you are at least eighteen, but nineteen would be even better!” Remember, murdering campers isn’t really about them—it’s about you. Are you having fun? Because that’s what really matters.
Ask Yourself “Why Am I Murdering This Over-Eighteenager?”
It’s all about intent. Are you really murdering this camp counselor because you want to avenge the death of your beloved mother? Or is it because you’re judging them based on their sexual preferences? It’s 2018, so you really need to look deep inside yourself and ask if you’re doing this for the right reasons as you crush them with a door.