Barney The Dinosaur On Shopping, Sex, And His Healthy Purple Glow
We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]
There Was A Mini Friends Reunion In My Latest Restraining Order
Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.
7 Fun Knives For Severing Your Pinkie After Breaking Your Resolutions
There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.
Make The Most Of Your Dying Days And Multi-Task Your Bucket List
You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.
5 Questions About Spaghetti You Should Never Ask on a Job Interview
The question job applicants dread.
We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!
Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!
Should I Use Nanotechnology To Turn My Stomach Into Several Cow Stomachs?
So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?
I’m Not The Writer Of This Article, I’m Just Burgling Her Apartment
She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!
Why We’ve Moved Our Offices To A Barge On International Waters
It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?
The Best Books To Burn To Keep You Super Cozy This Winter
Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?
The Beginner’s Guide To The Perfect Plantation Wedding
Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.
I’m Totally Okay Being Trapped Under This Weighted Blanket
Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.
Gift Ideas For Santa, Who Is Real, Despite What Liars Say
All level-headed, thoughtful adults know that Santa is totally real and totally in need of some sweet Christmas presents.
Design A Beautiful Backyard For Your Dog To Pinch Out Its Turds In
The backyard is a place just for you and your family. It’s a private outdoor sanctuary in which to reflect and commune with nature.
Amazing Products 100% Not Involved In The Murder I’ve Been Accused Of
Everything must go! As soon as possible!
Serial Killers And More: Weird Stuff To Memorize For Boat Christenings
“Did you know that Austin, Texas had a serial killer that pre-dates Jack The Ripper?”
Tips for Throwing a Great Christmas Party Despite the Ongoing Mass Extinction
Yeah, we are doomed, but at least there is cake!
Diagnosing Your STDs Through Musical Theater: The Music Man Edition
Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.
Festive Seasonal Mugs That Zero People Want From You This Christmas
Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’
Winterize Your Home With The Spellbook You Stole From That Robed Skeleton
Let’s see the guys down at Home Depot do this!
How I Once Used A Bathroom In A Public Park Without Contracting Cholera
I know, it sounds ludicrous, but I assure you this is no joke.
We Asked A Personal Trainer For Workout Tips And Now We’re Fucking
We really meant to get into this whole workout thing, but then we just got carried away with the fucking. You get it, right?
Reminder: Your Neti Pot Is The Best Way To Drown Yourself On Dry Land
Free yourself of sinus infections once and for all (and confound investigators).
Stew’s Corner: Hooking Up At This Wedding And Getting Away With It
The night gave way to passion. But now it’s morning, and you have to get the fuck out of here without everyone at this wedding knowing.
This Instant-Pot Is The Only Thing You’ll Ever Need In Your Life Ever Again Forever
I think you’re afraid to know true enlightenment. I get it, navigating the higher planes of existence can be scary at first.
How I Got SNAP/EBT To Help Fund My First Affordable Yacht Rental
With a little of that sweet, sweet Uncle Sam start-up money and some human ingenuity, you, too, can rent a luxury water vehicle.
5 Books You Totally Know How To Read This Fall
Nothing beats curling up with a good book, flipping through its pages, holding it right side up, and, of course, telling people you’re reading it so they think you’re smart.
The Sun: What It Is And How to Prepare For It Devouring Your Planet
Few have been able to identify what the sun actually is. Until now.
Are Your Crystals Being Tested on Spirit Animals?
We shouldn’t let our thirst for power interfere with our compassion for our spiritual companions.
I, Quarog The World Eater, Must Have Plant Milk
I know there have been a lot of questions since I, Quarog The World Eater, appeared in the space that surrounds your planet.
Can You Believe We Didn’t Make Up Titanic II?
I mean seriously, come on, Titanic II? That has us written all over it.