Build Wealth Even If Your Business Manager Won’t Suck A Dick For You
Like the say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”
Hot Piles Of Garbage: Editor Amanda Mannen’s Morning Routine
Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.
My Son Dialed 1-800-Kars-4-Kids, But They Refused To Give Him A Tesla
Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education for some child “in need.”
Western Medicine Is A Lie: What Are Penises REALLY For?!??!!!!!??!
Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?
This Year, Train Your Body To Tolerate More Pain With Vicodin!
Imagine a world in which knives do not exist. Picture that world, and reach into your aged leather waist satchel for more Vicodin.
Choose Circumcision! We Need To Keep Appeasing The Foreskin Wizard
Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.
We Tried Every Soap On The Market And Are Plagued With Regret
From Goat’s Milk Lavender to Honeysuckle Harmony, they tried them all. Oh God, why?
8 Eclectic Bathroom Designs You Could Totally Bust A Fat Log In
Who says you can’t drop anchor and also be inspired?
Macaulay Culkin’s Wellness Island Festival Has Been Regretfully Cancelled
Turns out crabs are no joke!
Barney The Dinosaur On Shopping, Sex, And His Healthy Purple Glow
We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]
There Was A Mini Friends Reunion In My Latest Restraining Order
Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.
7 Fun Knives For Severing Your Pinkie After Breaking Your Resolutions
There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.
Make The Most Of Your Dying Days And Multi-Task Your Bucket List
You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.
5 Questions About Spaghetti You Should Never Ask on a Job Interview
The question job applicants dread.
We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!
Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!
Should I Use Nanotechnology To Turn My Stomach Into Several Cow Stomachs?
So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?
I’m Not The Writer Of This Article, I’m Just Burgling Her Apartment
She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!
Why We’ve Moved Our Offices To A Barge On International Waters
It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?
The Best Books To Burn To Keep You Super Cozy This Winter
Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?
The Beginner’s Guide To The Perfect Plantation Wedding
Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.
I’m Totally Okay Being Trapped Under This Weighted Blanket
Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.
Gift Ideas For Santa, Who Is Real, Despite What Liars Say
All level-headed, thoughtful adults know that Santa is totally real and totally in need of some sweet Christmas presents.
Design A Beautiful Backyard For Your Dog To Pinch Out Its Turds In
The backyard is a place just for you and your family. It’s a private outdoor sanctuary in which to reflect and commune with nature.
Amazing Products 100% Not Involved In The Murder I’ve Been Accused Of
Everything must go! As soon as possible!
Serial Killers And More: Weird Stuff To Memorize For Boat Christenings
“Did you know that Austin, Texas had a serial killer that pre-dates Jack The Ripper?”
Tips for Throwing a Great Christmas Party Despite the Ongoing Mass Extinction
Yeah, we are doomed, but at least there is cake!
Diagnosing Your STDs Through Musical Theater: The Music Man Edition
Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.
Festive Seasonal Mugs That Zero People Want From You This Christmas
Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’
Winterize Your Home With The Spellbook You Stole From That Robed Skeleton
Let’s see the guys down at Home Depot do this!