“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts is a successful leader in the field of Naturopathic Oceanic Archeology and author of the book “The Great Vestigial Lie” and “Whale Healing”. Tickets to his remote seminars or private speaking arrangements are available upon request.
Reach Enlightenment By Providing Feedback On My Talking Hippo Script
Read it and then provide at least several pages of feedback and suggestions. The talking hippo is named Everett and he mostly screams.
Woo Your Future Mate With The Seductive Art Of Whale Screaming
And don’t forget to buy my companion book!
Lose Weight With My Diet Of Artisanal LSD Tabs And Ditch Grains Fed To You Through Our Feed Hole
The Church Of False-Vestigially has implemented a state-of-the-art health program with only a 40% failure* rate. It’s called the “LSD Hole Diet,” and it’s totally shaking up the diet world.
Rid Yourself Of Bad Energy By Putting Your Electrical Appliances On Trial
Negative energy is the most underrated problem affecting your everyday life—and it mostly comes from your nefarious electrical appliances.
10 Futhark Runes That Will Totally Make You Cum
For your next romantic evening in, why not try one (or all!) of the following runes, hand-selected by Church elders, to get those juices flowing?
Chaxing: The Hot New Teen Trend Where You Give My Church One Half Of Your Salary
Parents hate it! Old people fear it! The government technically allows it under the Religious Liberty and Charitable Donation Protection Act of 1998! It seems that teens these days are scrambling to try out the hot new trend of church-taxing, or “chaxing.” It’s a lit craze that involves a 8323 tax form, one signed and […]
How To Use Dreams To Manifest Your True Power And Also Defeat That Blade-Fingered Snarling Boogeyman Who Keeps Stalking You For Some Reason
Rejoice, my sweet followers! While the Church Of False-Vestigially regularly discovers many a miracle that we share in our weekly digital newsletter (purchase your subscription at one of my many web pages), there rarely comes such a powerful gift as what I’ve been bestowed so recently. It happened last Fourth of July as I was […]
Tales From The Afterlife: I Can Stop My Heart Using Only My Will And A Truck Battery
Near death experiences are real, my children. I know this because I have died once a week for the last three years. I stop my heart using only my willpower as a skilled guru and also a 24-volt customized truck battery, with the following practice: Step One: Perform the Kurmasana pose in a shallow prayer […]
The Best Adult Summer Camps Conveniently Located Within The Perimeter Of My Inescapable Arizona Compound
Millennials are reportedly the least likely generation to consider themselves religious. And as the proud leader of my own legally-defined church, I find it greatly disheartening that this new generation appears to worship their Beyoncés and Andrew Garfields over the one true God. And considering the oppression my divine faith has received from the so-called […]
Hot New Summer Robes In Which To Commence The Inviolable Rites Of The Solstice Death Orgy
Heads up, this article contains Amazon Affiliate links. That means if you buy some stuff they’ll give us money. Which helps us pay our writers and stuff. So … maybe click links and buy junk! It’s summertime, and you know what that means! Once again, my Church Of Vestigial Glory will be holding its annual […]
The Psychic Life-Hack That’ll Change How You Go To The Dentist
Sea ancestors, today I’d like to tell you a life-changing story. It happened to me in Phoenix about a month ago after one of my many spiritual seminars to which tickets are available online or at any of my roadside meditation kiosks. After this particular gathering, I was struck in the jaw with a tire […]
It Has Always Been Part Of My Divine Plan For You To Pay My Legal Fees
I’m not oblivious. I know it’s not always easy for my oceanic disciples to follow every single lesson laid out in my expansive collection of self-help literature/chant books/diet charts/underwater ashram chore schedules. We aren’t all millionaires — which is why I will never charge a flat fee for my guidance into the vestigial temple of […]
5 Things Star Trek The Voyage Home Got Wrong About Space Whales
My saltwater sea-children, everyone knows that the 1986 Leonard Nimoy-directed Star Trek film The Voyage Home is undoubtedly the best film about the existence of extraterrestrial whales. This is why our church offers free* screenings of it every Thursday at all of our many seminar huts across the nation. But just how accurate of a […]
How To Actualize Your Healing With Wellness Therapy
Fellow aquatic spawn, the world has never been more complicated. World Wide Webs are threatening our daily serenity as the country is led by Big Vaccine and lab coat hucksters brainwashing kids into throwing away their appendixes. There’s a lot of hustle and bustle even outside of our jazz-infested metropolitan cityscapes, making it not hard […]
How To Hack Your Urethra
When early ape arose from the shore of our great ocean womb, no longer could we protect our monkey eggs from the harshness of a dry environment. It was then that our vestigial tail bud tissue formed the pulpy genitalia we so cherish today. For snakes, this process involved unused limb flesh being repurposed into […]
The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand
The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand By “Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially Don’t be afraid, former sea-creature. We are all children of the ocean, having long ago emerged to walk the earth in the ancient year of 360 BC. Most historians wouldn’t tell you that, but of course, most […]
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…