How To Hack Your Urethra
When early ape arose from the shore of our great ocean womb, no longer could we protect our monkey eggs from the harshness of a dry environment. It was then that our vestigial tail bud tissue formed the pulpy genitalia we so cherish today. For snakes, this process involved unused limb flesh being repurposed into reproductive organs, exchanging sexual interaction for sloppy belly-locomotion.
In other words: once exiting Mother Ocean, our bodies’ evolution began to make unfavorable compromises in the interest of continued procreation. I find this to be a mistake we are now forced to endure, but could take great advantage of.
I can urinate in two different directions.
Now, I know what you are asking: “why would I want to urinate in two different directions?” To that I ask back: why would the Italian painter Giotto draw a perfect circle freehand when he could have just used a compass? Because he wanted to show perfection of his craft, that’s why. And much like Giotto proving himself to the Pope, the act of binary urethral discharge serves as a shorthand method for demonstrating one’s mastering of the anti-vestigial body. When challenged, I can simply prove my methods through my manhood — instantly quelling the room.
Doctors will have you believe this is wrong.
If you ask a doctor about the methods of binary discharge, they will tell you that it’s a clear sign of scar tissue or a sexually transmitted disease. But while this fear-lie is the brilliant cocktail of “authority” mixed with genital threat, there’s very little they can say to back up this claim. Most doctors won’t even extend the lie, opting instead to insist they must “examine your body” before determining the “problem,” and that you shouldn’t attempt every “body lifehack” you read online.
In my book “Whale Healing” I speak on the many methods in which you can cleanse and ingest sand. There is a brief chapter devoted to “non-oral granule insertion” in which the heal-leader gently pushes a single grain of Vestigial-Appraised Church-Sand (sold online or at any of my roadside seminar retail huts) into the urethra, doubling the amount of grains every day for only a month of time.
I know what you’re thinking, “wait, so you want me to jam beach dirt up my peehole?” Don’t worry; that’s not all I want you to do. Science is not without aquatic throat chanting, and “Whale Healing” (also sold online or at any of my roadside seminar retail huts) also comes with a variety of spiritual phrases in which to repeat during each grain delivery session… as well as a cutout, easy-to-assemble Sand-Applicator for maximum efficiency. In one month you will be one step closer to vestigial freedom and oneness with nature.
My urine is the color of tree bark.
It’s time to reclaim what doctors have stolen from us and join me in the light of pure vestigial freedom, beginning with a mastery of your natural bodily discharges.
May your urethra be the silo in which my feed nourishes,
“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially